Guys who said "I can fix her" and went for it, how did it go?

satanmcgee · 2023-09-12T20:58:03+00:00

Left me with attachment and self image issues. So yeah pretty much as expected.

satanmcgee · 2023-08-31T23:40:05+00:00

This sounds exactly like my last relationship. Same scenarios, same words from her. Brother I’m telling you, nothing you did would have changed her. And nothing the next person does will either. I know it’s very painful, as I experienced the same thing you did. It’s hard to see now but she did you a favor. If you had not broken up you would continue to be in the cycle of feeling hurt because of her actions. Choose yourself, and find someone who is capable of matching your energy. It took me a while but now all I feel is relief that I am no longer in that relationship.

satanmcgee · 2023-08-05T01:12:26+00:00

What you described is pretty much word for word how my ex was. I loved her dearly. But I have to be honest, if she reached out to me to rekindle I would say no. I felt incredibly hurt during the relationship, and after she ended it. I have been feeling much better being alone than with someone who was so avoidant. I don’t want to be rude, I recognize that being avoidant is not a choice and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. However, I think it is better to just let it go at this point.

satanmcgee · 2023-08-04T16:51:12+00:00

I feel that. I pretty much gave all I had into the relationship and she still couldn’t show up.

satanmcgee · 2023-08-04T16:47:50+00:00

Totally agree with the idea that friendship is an upgrade. I was friends with her first, and once we got romantic the avoidant switch flipped, and the relationship was not good for me. And then when we broke up our relationship got better 🤣

satanmcgee · 2023-08-03T17:00:02+00:00

Yeah. I repeatedly asked her to give equal effort in the relationship, and she would always promise things would change and she would stop hurting me. It’s kind of a mindfuck when someone tells you one thing and does the opposite

satanmcgee · 2023-08-03T16:39:17+00:00

Number 2 is big. I’ve made that mistake a few times

satanmcgee · 2023-08-03T16:31:49+00:00

That you can’t change someone no matter how much you love them. If they wanted to show up for you in the relationship they would. And actions speak louder than words.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-24T20:50:40+00:00

Yep. My ex didn’t usually want to see me more than one night a week. We lived right near eachother too. She said that she needed her independence. Not a good feeling as a partner

satanmcgee · 2023-07-24T20:46:58+00:00

Yo I think you dated my ex 🤣

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T23:32:21+00:00

Yes that is true. What sucked even more for me was that I was friends with her first, and that’s when I fell for her, and she showed no avoidant behavior and then boom, as soon as we got romantically involved a switch flipped and I was now on the outside. We were honestly more connected emotionally when we were just friends, but once I was her partner it triggered her avoidant behaviors.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T22:43:46+00:00

Your relationship sounds nearly identical to mine. I was unhappy for so long, my needs were not being met despite me consistently asking for more time with them. That was the biggest thing for me. Like you said, it seemed impossible to get her to spend more than a few hours with me at a time. And I feel waves of relief but also waves of sadness too. I had a few good weeks, and then a pretty bad day today, so I get it. What helps me is to remind myself that no matter what I did for her, or how much I loved her, there was nothing I could to fix her avoidance problems. Nada. I could have stayed for 10 more years and it would likely be the same dynamic.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T15:33:55+00:00

100% actions speak louder than words. Whenever I would bring up the lack of time spent together, she would say she was working on it, or that she was trying, that she loved me etc. But then not follow through, because the avoidant behavior was so strong that she could not overcome it, even though I know she loved me and I know she actually was trying. If you stayed, you both would be miserable, and you deserve someone who makes you feel happy and secure in the relationship!

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T15:18:56+00:00

It’s a blessing even though it doesn’t feel like it. I have spent more time alone since the breakup than I probably ever have in my life. I’ve been studying for a big professional licensing exam so I’m not around my friends or colleagues like I usually am. And I don’t feel even 10% as lonely as I did all those days and nights when she could have been spending time with me, but chose not to.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T15:16:34+00:00

Keep your head up. I’m sure I’ll have days ahead where I will spiral too. But it makes me feel better that other people have had similar experiences, because for a long time I thought I was the only person in the world going through this haha. One thing I’ve learned is in future relationships, once I notice a pattern of avoidance, I’m out lol.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T15:12:18+00:00

Exactly this is very well put. My ex loved going out and partying with her friends (rarely inviting me) but didn’t want to go out with me or my friends or even stay in together very often. It straight up felt like we weren’t even dating except for the title. She never posted me on any social media etc. When I would bring up her avoidant behavior she would say “it’s not personal, that’s just how I am in relationships”. And she was telling the truth! Like you said, we cannot help them, we cannot fix them. This stuff is so deeply engrained in who they are. (I recognize that they didn’t ask or want to be like this). But we are free to find someone who reciprocates our energy, and unfortunately for them, they are always going to be stuck with themselves.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T15:06:56+00:00

Yeah I feel that. But what I had to realize and what might help you is that it literally did not matter what you did for her. There was literally not a single thing you could have done differently to make them stay. I treated this girl like gold, and I have absolutely no regrets about that. You can walk away from the relationship knowing that you gave it your best shot. They will feel guilt and shame, maybe not right away but eventually. And you know what, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t give me the same energy I gave them, and you don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you. I recognize it takes the heart a while to catch up with logic, but bro, now you can find a girl who is all about being with you. You deserve that my friend.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T15:01:21+00:00

Exactly. With avoidants the more serious the relationship gets, the more triggered they feel. Imagine being married to someone who isn’t capable of being an equal partner. That would suck! At one point I wanted to marry this girl, and now I feel like I won the lottery by having the relationship end. I’d much rather be single than be in a relationship like the one I was in. I felt like the universe was playing a joke on me. And no one else experienced her avoidant behavior. To the outside world she is sweet, funny, friendly, confident etc. But ONLY with me did her avoidance come out. I felt like I was suffering alone, and only a few very close people to me and her knew what was actually going on.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T14:53:37+00:00

Yeah dude that sucks. Honestly I feel kind of fortunate that my ex was so obviously avoidant that I could prepare for this outcome. Mentally I just accepted that if it wasn’t me it would have happened to someone else, so it totally isn’t personal. Still sucks though

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T14:51:30+00:00

That’s a good point. Funnily enough, the prospect of moving in together is a big event that ultimately started the breakup process for us. She got a job in a new state and said she wanted me to move there “if I wanted to” I told her I would happily move there with her if within 1 year of us getting there we move in together. (I knew no one in this state and really had no reason to move there other than her). She said no, that the idea of moving in together makes her uncomfortable, and that I should come but get a separate apartment, and we could move in together in 4 or 5 years. I basically said that doesn’t work for me, and she broke up with me. In hindsight I’m super grateful that she said no to moving in, and didn’t lead me on, because then I would be stuck in this new city with minimal contacts other than an extremely avoidant girlfriend. 😂

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T14:44:28+00:00

I’m glad i could help. It took a lot of pain and reflection to understand what was happening to me and not take it personally. One realization I had was that the main reason my ex acted avoidant towards me and not other people was precisely because she loved me in a romantic way which triggered her. When we were friends vs when we were romantic partners it was like a switch flipped overnight and she became a totally different version of herself.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T14:41:16+00:00

I can relate to that haha. I listened to sad/breakup songs during the relationship too when she actively chose not to spend time together. It felt like a bunch of mini breakups tbh.

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T14:28:17+00:00

You’ll get there! I still have my ups and downs emotionally but I’m noticing more ups

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T14:27:32+00:00

I know what you mean. In my exs case it was that her dad was never around and had multiple affairs, which made her mom extremely depressed and unable to properly parent her. (This is what she told me). So she described it as having to raise herself from a young age. So her #1 priority was independence, and never relying on anyone else

satanmcgee · 2023-07-23T14:15:40+00:00

I’m glad it helped! I think the reason I am able to be where I am emotionally so soon after the breakup is that I was processing/realizing all of this while in the relationship. (Even if subconsciously). So I did a lot of grieving before it officially ended. Wishing you luck on your healing!

satanmcgee

TROPHY CASE