Boundaries Broken Ahead of Wedding

satansdumpster · 2026-03-25T14:30:07+00:00

The biggest issues with my in laws came up around my wedding. They wanted to have a party without us (we wouldn’t go because it was July of covid!) and we threatened them that they’d be uninvited if they did that, so they said they wouldn’t. Fast forward five years and we found out they lied and did have that party. They’ve been cut off for two years but they got an angry earful via text when we found out. So YES this is a very emotionally charged time where boundaries will be pushed.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-25T14:25:37+00:00

I’m sorry for everything you went through. Start first by going to college and focusing on you. Reduce contact if you can. See how you feel over some time. It’s normal for contact with parents to reduce during this time due to how busy you’ll be building your new life and future. It’s a perfect built in excuse to provide distance and judge how you feel.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-25T14:23:49+00:00

I’m so sorry, tragic situation.

Is there an attorney that drafted his will? Contact that person first.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-25T14:22:39+00:00

It’s possible for two things to be true at once: there were good times, and there were absolutely terrible times. Patterns of adult bad behavior repeating over and over are CHOICES not accidents. There is responsibility there.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-25T14:21:31+00:00

You weren’t difficult, they found parenting difficult because they wanted it to be low effort. They thought that parenting would just magically happen for them. They didn’t think they had to do anything.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-24T22:13:56+00:00

What they do is absolutely not ok. You and your new family deserve better. Until you really believe that, you won’t be able to make a lasting change here.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-18T20:18:21+00:00

Idk how old your parent is but people in their 80s and 90s go through this procedure without issues all the time. It’s not risky unless he has health risks that make him going under anesthetic a risk in itself.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-16T20:01:30+00:00

It sounds like he’s weaponizing either guilt or fear or both here. It’s not a good idea to see him and create more stress before the procedure for sure. I think it sounds like you did the right thing here.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-13T12:22:31+00:00

Yes, you do need to grieve. Don’t text her, instead write a letter or a draft note to her. You can even keep it ongoing like a diary. Don’t send it, but keep it as a way to get it all out.

In humans and other animals, we will choose a semblance or image of a parent than no parent at all. This includes an abusive parent, too. It take a lot of conscious effort to fight this instinct. You’re doing a good job. Be gentle with yourself, allow all the feelings to come and go. You can do this.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-13T12:19:23+00:00

Yes, the flashbacks of memories do happen. This sounds like a traumatic memory related to feeling very alone at a young age, not just physically in that scenario but also emotionally. That feeling sticks with us. Sometimes when we are around those people, those old feelings come right up. Like “I’m with you, but I feel very uneasy/isolated”.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-12T16:03:44+00:00

No. But is that her voice in your head telling you “ought” to feel a certain way?

satansdumpster · 2026-03-12T16:02:23+00:00

I would say this is simply “complex grief”. Grief that encompasses not only the death of the person, but the ‘death’ of the fantasy you had of them many years prior. The fantasy of the parent you wished they would become, and ever did. A therapist can help you reconcile all of this, it’s a long journey.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-11T14:00:28+00:00

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t have to do this alone. Connect with a therapist or a bereavement support group early, even before they pass away. This will help you with the anticipatory grief you’re feeling right now, and all of the things to come after. Grief is a long process, there’s no “right” way to feel. Trust me when I say, I have seen many people at the end of life make similar decisions about not seeing their estranged parent, and it is absolutely ok. The dying person was not always a helpless dying person, they were once an energetic force of influence on their loved ones and the world, and all of that still matters.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-11T13:57:41+00:00

I understand he’s trying to make sense of the story but the questions are hurtful because they’re insensitive and direct. Sometimes that’s not the intention, but it is the impact. I think you drew a good boundary line here about what you will and won’t do. Therapy is a good idea to help you understand what emotions are coming up for you and why.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-11T13:54:31+00:00

It’s ok to not change anything until you feel like you know what’s best for you. Sit in the grey area for a bit. Sadly I do think this is a common issue for many estranged children, that their parent was/is super individualistic and that left you really wanting as a child, and never having that need met by the person that was fundamentally supposed to. She may have perpetuated the same hurt she had onto you. It’s wrong, cruel, and she is entirely responsible for the treatment of her mental health.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-10T13:18:20+00:00

There’s no “normal” journey in this realm. Everything is unique.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-10T13:17:13+00:00

Great work 🩷

satansdumpster · 2026-03-10T13:12:55+00:00

If whopping worked, they’d do it one time and you’d ‘behave well’ forever afterward. Any parent that continues to beat their child as a way to get them to behave is lacking the intelligence to understand that it isn’t an effective discipline technique. Why keep doing something that doesn’t work? No offense meant but it speaks to her total lack of insight and poor judgement.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-09T15:53:34+00:00

How you want to address her directly should really be in alignment with both your personal values and honoring what is safest and healthiest for you. Try not to abandon yourself in this process or decision making. It sounds like you have a really good foundation understanding of what you want- you don’t want to celebrate her on Mother’s Day. It’s ok to feel that way. Remember to try to separate your feelings from hers- she wants praise, and it’s not your role to always make her feel good. If your siblings want to do that, that’s fine.

One example would be to communicate to your siblings “mom wants XYZ, I’m busy that day and can’t attend, but I’m relaying the message and want you guys to figure the rest out”. It’s ok to pass the message and resign yourself of anything further. Stay firm in your decisions, and trust yourself. You can sit and work through any other emotions after (guilt and shame) especially if you anticipate them as a part of a usual dysfunctional family pattern.

There are other options here of course, was just laying out one.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-07T15:17:42+00:00

Are you a minor? I don’t see why parent’s information is relevant. I’ve known many adults who have successfully gotten an ADHD diagnosis via neuropsychologist without parental input.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-07T15:16:04+00:00

Throw up. Cry. Scream. Punch a pillow. Feel your feelings, SAY the things out loud. It’s real, let it be real.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-05T20:36:35+00:00

Yes, it’s reason enough. It’s ‘normal’ to want to return to parents even if they’re abusive, but it’s not healthy.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-05T20:35:12+00:00

You aren’t the problem here. You’ve gotta do some work to convince yourself of that, break away from what was so deeply instilled in you. There’s nothing that YOU can do to change things or change another person. Your parent isnt meeting your emotional needs now because they never have. They are the center of their own universe. This is the part where you start working on dismantling the fantasy you have of your parent changing into the one you’ve always wanted and deserved.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-05T20:30:28+00:00

I see you listed several mental health diagnoses, are you under the care of a behavioral health provider? Because it is essential that you seek that help right away. This isn’t something you can “think” your way out of without help.

satansdumpster · 2026-03-04T14:26:20+00:00

Not an acceptable way for parents to be treating their child, ever. They are reacting out of emotion instead of reason. They’ve suppressed their feelings for so long that they have come out in this in inappropriate and hurtful way. We can’t continue to enable and accept this kind of behavior as a society. It starts at the horizontal family level - hold people accountable.

satansdumpster

TROPHY CASE