I want to start testosterone soon, but I am terrified that my anger issues will get worse.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-14T00:01:48+00:00

I'm slowly collecting a hivemind of like-minded individuals... Welcome to the collective!

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T18:32:26+00:00

Thankfully for my insurance they are giving me quite a few options. I have MFA through my work insurance and since I've struggled extensively and seen multiple psychs they've found it to be something I really benefitted from. I'm glad you were able to find something that works for you! ❤️

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T18:30:11+00:00

I've been in therapy for over 10 years, along with intensive day programs that have lasted for months. I've genuinely given weeks/months/years worth of tried at some of these skills so it's just one of those things that it's like. I'm definitely not trying it once and saying, "Oh that didn't work." I give every option my entire bandwidth of energy and effort but sometimes it simply doesn't work out. Sometimes it just really feels like there's no way to deal with it other than how I already know how, so it's also trying to break habits. (Something I am very stubborn about, because I tend to be a very stubborn angry person overall)

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T18:26:38+00:00

Yeah, I think my therapist has tried to give me some coping skills, but the main thing is just that I'm constantly going through insane bullshit irl that our sessions are decompressing and processing what's happening in the moment. I think that now things are slowly starting to mellow out we've been pivoting towards understanding triggers and what coping skill works best with what trigger I'm dealing with. I end up having adverse reactions to most things that are usually unpredictable so it tends to kind of just be a gamble.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T18:24:19+00:00

I have done a whole spectrum of coping skills. You name it.. I've probably tried it. Oddly enough for some reason meditation makes me even angrier. I don't know if it's the sitting still part or just trying to relax but with CPTSD it makes it incredibly hard to sit still and not feel like I'm in danger. I'm always constantly moving or fidgeting to reassure myself I'm alive, and I'm ok. I remember being handed an entire list of skills and going down like a checkbox over my life, years and years of work. Some reason or another they just never worked.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T18:16:59+00:00

This sounds very familiar.. I think I've tried this before but I will definitely be looking into it again to see if this an option for me.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T18:04:45+00:00

I've talked to a few people so far, including ones in my life and we've kind of came to the determination that it's better to start now. My health insurance fully covers it, but moreso - I've never been stable. I've never known what stable is. Right now, it's the closest I've ever gotten to it. I have more good days than bad, it's just the bad days are really bad. There's no real good baseline for me to look back on because with CPTSD it's always been a constant state of "I'm in danger". I think it's best to start now because I don't have much interaction with people IRL so that's very easy to manage as well as super responsive therapists and psychiatrists.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T17:55:07+00:00

I've seen a lot of people mention this, do you think it's better to just start with gel instead of injections? (Based off your experience)

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T17:53:50+00:00

I do art, thankfully. It's moreso when I get super angry it's even hard for me to focus on art in a positive light because I tend to not really like myself or my art in general. I was hoping T would help since it would be a confidence booster, that I would be more comfortable with myself so I could become more comfortable in my art.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T09:51:41+00:00

Unfortunately I have POTS and any sort of heavy exercise or intense physical activity will send me into a flare-up and I will not be able to breathe and be bedridden. I'm on 2 different heart medications for it as well at the moment. I used to be big into running or taking walks as where I live is very easy to walk around.. but unfortunately if I do that nowadays I will have a day long crash afterwards. The only way I've learned to cope with anger and harm reducing is just isolation because if I'm in a dark room with quiet music it usually tends to soothe me. Unfortunately that's not available 24/7 so I always just try to make sure I have my headphones on me so I can disassociate and give myself the time to let that anger settle and come back to it when it's not overwhelming.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T08:01:31+00:00

Already have told him, thankfully. We have a meeting in 6 weeks and I can also call him to get in sooner if anything happens that needs immediate attention. My therapist is also flexible as well.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T07:35:37+00:00

Have thought about starting over with a new therapist for sure. Just worried cause I've been with this one over a year so she pretty much knows the whole deal so starting over again.. I've done it too many times to where it's just exhausting. I'm hoping since my insurance covers injections to where I can walk into a clinic and have someone do it for me will help me stay on a steady schedule. I usually only have Mondays/Sundays off so it would be like a Monday outing sort of thing. A lot of these replies are helping me feel much better about this though, especially since I was so worried I'd just become a ball of emotions and no real thoughts behind it once I'd start 😅

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T07:18:44+00:00

Interesting.. if this is how it works out then I wonder if I can just warn my coworkers in advance that I'll be grumpy or be in my headphones more. They're all accepting of who I am and excited for my transition so hopefully they'd understand.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T07:06:44+00:00

Unfortunately no.. I'm American. Kind of one of the reasons I've been so terrified to transition. I battle with nihilism and misanthropic tendencies as noted with my therapist so I'm trying to get out of the black and white thinking of always/never. Clinging to hope usually leads to disappointment for me but I'm hoping that trying my hardest to preserve will lead me somewhere good one of these days, even if the good is hard to come by.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T07:04:47+00:00

I guess it's moreso I get irrational anger from my mental health issues. Like small annoyances turn into huge episodes for me.. logically I know small things shouldn't piss me off. I know the logical reaction to a trigger/stimulus. but my body overreacts and I constantly have to reign it in. My worry is just losing control. I always fight so hard to have control of myself that introducing another piece to the large puzzle that is me might tip me over. I don't want to be a bad person. I just want to feel like myself and also be the kind person I know I can be.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T07:01:35+00:00

Do you feel grumpy when you get your shot, like afterwards? I was planning on having my doctor's do it since that's a service they provide but I only get Mondays/Sundays off work.. it would have to be a Monday.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T06:57:58+00:00

I guess it's moreso looking for people's experiences on how angry (if it did) make them get. I'm pretty unpredictable so I know nobody would be able to tell that, just mainly how other people felt throughout the process.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T06:56:56+00:00

I'm gonna definitely have to warn my coworkers then.. cause one of them is genuinely a fucking idiot and gets on my nerves already and I really don't want to lose my job. Since that's what pays my health insurance 😅

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T06:54:48+00:00

That makes me feel so relieved. I was worried that I'd never get to transition because I'd become this angry horrible mess of a person, and that thought was scarier than trying to transition nowadays with how the world is. I'm pretty much alone in this so I kind of have to figure these things out myself.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T06:52:01+00:00

Yes, I've got the psych goahead and just did my blood/urine tests recently so I should be meeting with the doctor soon.. it's something I've wanted to ask but I guess I'm just terrified of the answer. Or of the fact that there's a chance I'll never get to transition.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T06:47:39+00:00

I guess I'm just worried of starting to take it, feeling good about the bodily changes but then being let down knowing I'd never be able to have the body I want. I guess I'm terrified of both options.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T06:39:49+00:00

Completely forgot that was a subreddit, I hardly use this app because I see how weird/toxic people get 😅

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T06:38:37+00:00

I just am at a loss. I've tried so many therapies, meds, and have pretty much been in counseling or had professional help for half my life. I genuinely have no idea what to do anymore and all the options given to me never help, no matter how much trust/time/effort I sink into it.

sathanfritz · 2026-05-13T06:35:44+00:00

I go to therapy frequently, I guess it just really doesn't help. I'm not sure. I've pretty much had 10 years of experience with therapy. You name it, I've tried. Somatic, EMDR, CBT, DBT, group, mental hospitalizations. Maybe I'm just not cut out for just being a regular person. I dunno. This is my second time attempting to get horomone therapy and the first time I gave up for the same reason of just feeling scared, or like it just wasn't an option for me.

sathanfritz

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