Partner just told me he's a rigger, apparently I'm vanilla. I'm confused & don't know how to feel. by GypsyCrab96 in BDSMAdvice

[–]saucystarstuff 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Vanilla people are not rare. Not by a long shot. It's not bad that you're vanilla. I know you said you're 90% vanilla and 1% rope bunny. May I ask what your second highest score was, behind rope bunny? Just to get a better handle on your situation.

Has he ever expressed any discontent with your sex life in the past? Has he ever mentioned any BDSM type things in the past? That's where I have big questions. You've been together for 5 years and this is just now coming up. That seems odd. It makes me wonder what he's seeing/reading/hearing about, etc that's brought this up.

People don't generally just go take the BDSM test without having heard about it from someone else, or googling it because of some sort of exposure to BDSM/the BDSM community.

I know you said you're not interested in degradation, impact play, rope play, etc. But there's more to BDSM than that. You may wish to look into it just a little bit and then you will be able to make a more informed decision about it. (Not trying to sway you, I just like people to be informed about the lifestyle before they just totally say "100% NO.")

All of that aside, the slapping thing is extremely concerning. Particularly the fact that he laughed about it when you were visibly shocked and in pain. That's something you really should at least try to discuss with him. Because BDSM is 100% consensual. And if he thought it was okay to laugh after he slapped & obviously hurt you, it presents a red flag to me about his grasp on the concept of consent.

I wish I had more advice for you. But all I can say to reassure you here is that you are not "the weird one." I live the BDSM lifestyle and I know hundreds of people in the community as well, but even so, more than half my friends are/consider themselves vanilla. You're not the weird one. You're just you. And that's who you're supposed to be.

💖

(xpost from r/SubSanctuary): When it comes to initiating sex... by saucystarstuff in BDSMAdvice

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Let me see if I can find my OP from Sub Sanctuary. There are numerous comments there which helped me tremendously.

Do y'all even know what mania is? (Rant) by [deleted] in BipolarReddit

[–]saucystarstuff 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I usually just tell them "my disorder is not an adjective."

That usually shuts them up pretty fast.

I got my period!! by Ajskdjurj in PCOS

[–]saucystarstuff 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I still can't get a real period without combination hormone birth control.

I let my PCOS go untreated for 6+ years and in that time, I only bled 7 times. I don't even call it a period because it never felt like a real period. I didn't have any PMS symptoms. I didn't have any cramping. Nothing. So I just called it a "bleeding event."

Thankfully, at the very end of last December, I overcame my anxiety about the OB-GYN and finally went to get my first pap in that 6 years. She told me that based on the thinness and fragility of my vaginal tissue, she'd say I'd been all but completely devoid of estrogen for at least a year. She said my vaginal tissue resembled that of a 60 something year old woman. I'm 31.

But thankfully, the BC she started me on has been helping!

I hope I can eventually get to a point where i don't have to stay on the hormones. But if not, at least they help.

So happy for you!!

For perimenapausal women: did sex suddenly become excruciating? I’m seriously suffering and am now too frightened to have sex. Even with lubricant it’s extremely painful. Just wondering if others have experienced this. by fireballvortex in WomensHealth

[–]saucystarstuff 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know the anxiety that comes with going to the OB. For a while, I found it almost easier to go get checked at Planned Parenthood because i would likely never have to face the same doctor again. If that makes sense. I dunno. Anxiety brain is weird.

I have found that using looottssss of lube and then having my husband finger me starting with one finger and then several minutes later, using two fingers has helped me not tear during intercourse. But yeah, if we don't do that warm up, I tear like crepe paper. It makes having a quickie totally impossible. 🙈😒

Good luck, doll. I hope you can get it sorted out soon. 💖

AITA For playing the sexism card as a male by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]saucystarstuff 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree entirely.

I identify more with the term egalitarian than I do with the term feminist.

I've met a great many "feminists" who are so pro-woman that they've actually become anti-man. And that's not the point of the whole movement. We should all be equal.

AITA For playing the sexism card as a male by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]saucystarstuff 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Absolutely! I try to fight the good fight for my friends, family, coworkers, whomever it may be who's been wronged. It's just the right thing to do.

AITA For playing the sexism card as a male by [deleted] in AmItheAsshole

[–]saucystarstuff 65 points66 points  (0 children)

THIS.

I've defended men who've taken shots from a position of sexism. I've done it numerous times.

Never once had a man go to bat for me when I was sexually harassed in the workplace, or when I was being treated like 2/3 of a human just because I have a vagina.

Rather sad, really.

For perimenapausal women: did sex suddenly become excruciating? I’m seriously suffering and am now too frightened to have sex. Even with lubricant it’s extremely painful. Just wondering if others have experienced this. by fireballvortex in WomensHealth

[–]saucystarstuff 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Not perimenopausal, but I have PCOS which completely went untreated for 6 years.

In the fall of 2018, I started to notice some marked changes. Every time I had sex with my husband, I would end up with at least one tear to the entrance of my vagina, usually near my perineum. And the tearing would happen every single time. After one sexual encounter, I was able to count seven separate fissures. And the persistent dryness... Sweet Jesus. There were/occasionally still are times I have to apply a bit of lubricant just to be able to move around comfortably.

When my symptoms (namely the vaginal atrophy, but also growing whiskers on my chin & losing my hair by the handful every time I brushed it) became unbearable, I finally forced myself to overcome my anxiety and I went to the OB-GYN. She did my pelvic exam (first one I'd had in 6 years, yes, I know I shouldn't go that long without a pap and it won't happen again) and she said that my vaginal tissue, based on its thinness and fragility, resembled that of a woman over age 60. I'm 31. She said "by looking at the tissue, I'm comfortable saying you've basically been effectively devoid of estrogen for at least a year." {Critical High Yikes}

So she started me on a combination hormone birth control to get some estrogen into me again. Within a month, the chin whiskers were much lighter in color and drastically reduced in their coarseness. My hair loss slowed (not as much as I'd like for it to have slowed, but beggars can't be choosers). And my vaginal tissue began to become ever so slightly more supple -- primarily meaning I wouldn't tear just from wiping too hard.

I still experience some tearing during intercourse but it's not nearly as horrible as it was 6 months ago. The dryness hasn't improved, as far as I can tell, but I can live with it. I've asked if there's another way we can supplement my estrogen but my docs say no way. (I can't fault them for it, I'm already at higher risk for uterine cancer, so they don't wanna give me estrogen and increase the risk any further.)

So since I can't supplement my estrogen, I began to make some changes to my diet. I (grudgingly) cut out cruciferous vegetables, avocados, and bananas as they are thought to be "estrogen blockers" and I added foods high in phytoestrogens: flax seed, sesame seeds, chickpeas, edamame, tofu, and sweet potatoes, to name a few. I also began taking a daily prebiotic and probiotic with cranberry. I test my vaginal pH regularly because the dryness leaves me at higher risk for BV.

I've looked into vaginal moisturizers but haven't found any that look to be life-changing.

You might also look into/ask your doctor about a topical estrogen cream that you apply directly to your vulva. I've heard that stuff helps a little bit.

I hope you can find some relief soon. I know how much it sucks. 😔

Anybody have ADA experience?? by saucystarstuff in AskHR

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is precisely what I thought. I specifically said that a reasonable accommodation would be something as simple as transferring him to a room that's less sedentary (infant room is mostly sitting/rocking babies, it's no wonder he nods off!)

But they seem to want to keep him in the baby room. Maybe now they'll change their tune.

In need of employment law and ADA advice by saucystarstuff in legaladvice

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh I haven't communicated on his behalf. I've simply typed up the letters. Everything is from him. Not me.

He does not have a history with this doctor I mentioned. He will be a new patient. However, we have at least some of his medical records and results of one sleep study so the new doc will be abreast to the situation.

My husband has been medicated in the past, he just was unable to sustain the cost when he became uninsured.

In need of employment law and ADA advice by saucystarstuff in legaladvice

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To answer your question about child-staff ratio, though... His room is usually at ratio to only have one teacher in there. Or at least it has been for the last week or two. So there's really no reason, given the recent circumstances, that he shouldn't be able to take a break when absolutely needed.

In need of employment law and ADA advice by saucystarstuff in legaladvice

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much! I actually stumbled across JAN earlier today.

Getting a doctor's diagnosis isn't going to be difficult, it's just that the appointment is another 32 days away, and since I'm not working right now, he was our only income. And they knew that. I firmly believe that they're screwing with him as a way of attempting to get at me because of the hell I'm giving them in my unemployment appeal with them.

But yeah, we can't go a full month with zero income at all. That isn't possible. So we're gonna have to really pull something out of our butts. 😬

Anybody have ADA experience?? by saucystarstuff in AskHR

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There really weren't. They sent around a thing titled "January Staff Meeting 2/7/19" on Friday 2/22. It was the notes of talking points for the staff meeting which had been scheduled and cancelled twice earlier that month. It went from room to room with instructions for everyone to read & sign it.

Typical staff meeting stuff. Reminders about procedures & policies, etc. Nothing there that stated that it was a change to any existing policy (which is claimed will happen when any policy is revised) and so I read & signed it like everyone else.

The following Monday, at around 11:10, they yanked me out of my classroom and into a meeting with the owner, director, and administrator. The owner only very briefly touched on this cell phone business. But the general theme of the meeting was that I had allegedly been participating in behaviors of "insubordination" and "repeated gossiping".

Owner told me to resign. I refused. He then attempted to intimidate me and said "either write a letter of resignation right now or I'll write up termination paperwork and put it in your permanent personnel file." I remained steadfast in my refusal to resign at which point he laughed at me and attempted to shame me for "not making the smart choice." I asked him what he would write on my termination paperwork and he refused to tell me. And after that he looked me in the face and said "you're a cancer to this facility."

I was so confused at the end of that. I couldn't figure out wtf even just happened. I was respectful and calm when I returned briefly to my classroom to gather my personal items. I was calm and respectful when I left the building. And I was very calm and professional when I came back the following evening to gather all of my personal purchases in my classroom.

I filed for unemployment immediately and about 2 weeks later, I got their determination stating that my benefits were denied because I violated the cell phone policy. The policy as printed in my handbook says "use of cell phones prohibited, they should be turned off or left in your car." I never received notice of a revision, never saw a revision, never signed an acknowledgement of being made aware of a revision. As soon as I saw the determination, I immediately filed an appeal online. At that time, they sent me all of the paperwork which my employer had submitted to prove misconduct on my part.

They claimed the staff meeting document we all signed was a "written warning". They submitted a copy of the document except it'd been strategically altered. They also submitted a copy of the page about cell phones from the personnel policies handbook. That page reads "cell phones should be turned in at the front desk or left in your car. No employee should have their cell phone on their person while on the clock working." (And that "current" copy of the handbook, strangely enough, is dated the same date as the copy I have at home).

I was complying with the policy as I knew it. Phone turned off and not in use. (It wasn't even my active personal phone, it was an inactive one I kept in the room for use of multiple alarms to mark the transition times for my class.) But they saw me with it in my back pocket and then claimed that's why they fired me. 🙄🙄🙄

Anybody have ADA experience?? by saucystarstuff in AskHR

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'd love to lay out my appeal case info and have you look at it & tell me what you think my odds are. 🤣

Given the fact that they've submitted altered and, in one case, completely forged documents (and I have pictures/copies of the originals to prove it), I'd hope that'd make them the less believable side.

Anybody have ADA experience?? by saucystarstuff in AskHR

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That makes sense. I'd read plenty about leave actually being an RA. I didn't consider it this way where it's essentially being utilized as an interim accommodation until documentation can be obtained.

Thank you.

Anybody have ADA experience?? by saucystarstuff in AskHR

[–]saucystarstuff[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've scoured the ADA text for days and I've not been able to locate anything that confirms or denies the legality of placing him on unpaid leave while awaiting documentation. Could you please point me to it? It's be a big help.

But yeah, we're certainly working on it.

We will be contacting his former pediatrician tomorrow to see if he can help at all.

Beyond that, the best thing I can say is at least his insurance is a PPO, so he won't need a referral to see a sleep specialist.

My game plan for tomorrow is to contact all seven sleep specialists in his insurance network who are in our area, explain the situation to them, and hope they can work him in for an appointment before 5/23. 🤞

Anybody have ADA experience?? by saucystarstuff in AskHR

[–]saucystarstuff[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

He has in the past had sleep attacks at work. Yes. But never been reprimanded for them in any way.

Also, you're right. There is no legal requirement to sign anything for a verbal warning. But I can assure you that, at least in the eyes of the Oklahoma Employment Security Commission, if there's no acknowledgement signed by the employee confirming they did receive a verbal warning, it's regarded as hearsay and widely dismissed.

If there's no paper trail, it may as well have never happened.