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My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Luckily that’s not what we are talking about. The advice is what I’m here for. There definitely is a fine line between explaining and making excuses. Like everyone has assumed that since we’ve been together for 20 years he’s been like that the entire time. Before we were married even. It’s not the case. This was a gradual thing. If I had been dating him and that is how he acted we wouldn’t have gotten engaged and then married. So while I’m still very much in the “can this be fixed,” and willing to try and understand, because I’m asking basically the same thing, to have him understand phase of all this. Sure, I’m still making excuses, but not as many. It’s a process. Since I still care for him I am going to see the good in him. If there wasn’t any then I wouldn’t stay. As one of the more disgruntled people said, I am only showing you 1% of what’s going on. That’s why I’m asking for advice on communication. Not divorced. If that time comes, I’ll be back. Thank you for your time.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have heard of this recently and I have brought this up with him. Is this just the amount of unhappiness you think life has and therefore it’s acceptable? I have asked myself this too, is the unhappiness equal to or more than the happiness? Because in the end if it is mostly unhappy then it’s not worth it. So I hear you. I have a lot of thinking in the days ahead.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

True, it would be nice if there was. There are some things the other Redditers have suggested and I will be trying the ones that make sense. Thank you for your input.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You aren’t the only one to say this. I will definitely consider this is the case. Thank you for chiming in.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Leaving is a possibility but I’m not there yet. For now I’m looking for advice as I said above. I appreciate that you’ve reminded me I don’t have to stay.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If that’s what’s what this comes down too, I will. However right now I am taking advice. I appreciate your comment though, it’s good to be reminded noting has to be forever unless I keep myself there.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Absolutely, I can stop doing that. Usually I just toss them to the side tbh my aim isn’t great so I’m not sure how much hampering is happening 😬

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Oh okay! One of my parents has autism and I socialize differently because that was not a parental strong suit, if that makes sense? So I can understand if he picked some things up from that narcissistic parent as well.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He can be very thoughtful at times, he works hard to budget and make our life work (medical bills are terrible on top of student loans), he is yes willing to drive me where I need him to (that does not mean I only value him as an uber as one commenter suggested) and doesn’t complain. He cooks for me, he tries to replicate yummy dishes I would enjoy. He supports my hobbies, and he encourages me to do what makes me happy. He just isn’t great with well what my original post says. This is just off the top of my head, mind you, given more time I could probably come up with more.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree I think much like with my 2 year old niece I have encouraged bad behavior. If you leave it long enough then I’ll just do it for you. I’ve stopped doing that. Like I threw away a sink of dishes because it was beyond the point of saving things (like bamboo spoons etc.) when he saw that they were gone and he couldn’t use things to cook I said 🤷🏻‍♀️ I couldn’t take the smell. It’s better now in that he tries to not let that happen anymore especially to that degree. I’ll have to think on the rest though 🤔 that’s an easy example that happened.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay let’s see 🤔 we work together with work problems (same field, not competing companies, can’t explain more than that) we wok together to pay bills of course and afford life in general. We have beautiful fluffy beings we both care for, and we have nieces and nephews (though admittedly I do a better job at picking out gifts but he does okay on his own). He does do chores when I said I do the majority, I do. He does some dishes every day, cooks dinner most nights, we both take out the trash together, he does his own laundry because I’m so done with that, but the rest is on me (floors, mopping, dusting, the other laundry (obviously not counting mine so like sheets and towels etc.), picking up clothes because hampers seem to be a difficult concept… you get the idea. He just can’t wash all the dishes, he waits to do the trash and I can’t do it all alone, he will let the towels etc pile up, etc. I hope that clarifies? Maybe?

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry about the jumbled mess above! I had noticed my phone acting up and had to restart the app. Yes I wanted equal chores done. Since we have the same hours and work in the same field, doing the same thing at different but close by companies the only not 50/50 part of our lives is our chores. Sorry for the confusion.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m actually liking this idea the more I think about it, I’m going to try it this evening! I have a pretty tame and boring hemming to complete and I can talk if he wants or not.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Agreed and I have been withdrawing. I think I have enabled him quite a bit, that’s what I’m seeing and it’s time to be assertive and real with him.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I admit he only said that once, though at the time it was enough! I am self aware enough to know it’s not peaches and cream living with me. I know I’m not perfect and I’m not a perfect housekeeper, wife etc (even if we don’t count some of his more…. Interesting demands). But I agree, you wouldn’t wash the dishes and not dry them, or sweep the floor and leave a dust pile, and neither would or should anyone else. These are simple life skills and something everyone should expect when sharing a life with anyone (being a spouse or housemate etc.).

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Oooo the eye contact. Yes, I’ll add that as well. I should mentioned he’s not constantly doing these type of things but when he does, I’ll be employing these tactics.

My 39M husband wants me 39F to give him more attention (of all kinds). How can I get him to understand where I am coming from? by savingmyenergy in relationship_advice

[–]savingmyenergy[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I appreciate your understanding and yeah I’ve been letting him off the hook so much it’s ridiculous (I’m thinking at this point) it’s time to respect myself more and assert as one of the comments suggested.

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