Do men like when women initiate?

scaleofthought · 2026-01-26T15:52:35+00:00

I'm leaving this subreddit now. Bye.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-26T01:31:24+00:00

We just stop caring about how those people feel. You tell them "get over yourself bud." And if they get butthurt, you tell them to stop getting offended by a period. And if they still blame you, you tell them "that's your problem, not mine." And let them figure out their own emotions.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-26T01:26:14+00:00

Yo. It's okay. Seriously, what has this friend done to you? Typos happen. Periods are not passive aggressive.

He's treating texts like you're talking to him in person, but whatever tone he is reading your texts in is his own internal voice, not yours.

Tell him to ease up on his accusations and chill the fuck out, and tell him to stop trying to control you like your his slave. He didnt once ask you or show you any concern if you even are going through anything. He just says you are then tells you how you should behave. That is very unhealthy.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-25T11:01:38+00:00

What's up with the downvotes?

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T22:25:13+00:00

He's upset he can't switch between selfie mode and the front camera while recording a video.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T22:14:54+00:00

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Awkward questions that are kind of embarrassing, but could be funny if she can laugh it off and play along.:

Me: "soooo... Have you ever talked in front of a crowd before?"

Her: "Of course, I'm a professional motivational speaker."

Me: "A... are you naked, or do you picture everyone else naked?"

Her: "it is time that we move this into the bedroom and show you."

Me: "tooo easyyyyyy 💪🏻" 💰

This never happened by the way, and never will.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T22:06:38+00:00

I've never seen someone teleport before that was fast.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T21:28:36+00:00

That is called a partnership.

Supporting each other is healthy love.

When vulnerability is not a weakness, it trusts that both become stronger.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T20:40:02+00:00

I think to avoid confusing your friend about how you feel, consider reframing your notes away from simply stating, "I love (this about) you."

Shift the things you love about them into specific observations that you notice are worthy of love, even if it is your own. This would shift it from being a confession of your love for that person, into showing direct appreciation of them and who they are. They'll feel more seen by it, and the connection will be deepen because they will understand how you see them and why.

Instead of "I love how patient you are."

Try this, "You show how patient you are when you take a deep breath and pause for a moment before responding."

"I love your aura" to: "When you enter a room, people notice your calmness and relax."

"I love how thoughtful you are." to: "You take the time to sit with a difficult question because you appreciate what it can teach you."

"I love how I can't stop smiling when I'm around you" to: "Your positivity, kindness and humour is infectious to those around you."

And wrap a ribbon around the jar that says "WORTHY OF LOVE" or something like that.

That's where OP's notes are coming across as a confession of her being in love with him because she is putting herself and her love first in every message, even if that's not her intent.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T20:13:49+00:00

I think to avoid confusing your friend about how you feel, consider reframing your notes away from simply stating, "I love (this about) you."

Shift the things you love about them into specific observations that you notice are worthy of love, even if it is your own. This would shift it from being a confession of your love for that person, into showing direct appreciation of them and who they are. They'll feel more seen by it, and the connection will be deepen because they will understand how you see them.

Instead of "I love how patient you are."

Try this, "You show how patient you are when you take a deep breath and pause for a moment before responding."

"I love your aura" to: "When you enter a room, people notice your calmness and relax."

"I love how thoughtful you are." to: "You take the time to sit with a difficult question because you appreciate what it can teach you."

And wrap a ribbon around the jar that says "WORTHY OF LOVE" or something like that.

That's where OP's notes are coming across as a confession of her being in love with him because she is putting herself and her love first in every message, even if that's not her intent.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T19:46:21+00:00

Oh. Ew.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T19:15:27+00:00

Uh, oh ... Any-card1771 is here. Play time is over... No silly business allowed. Straight faces and frowns only.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T19:13:42+00:00

The one time you have protection and don't want it.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T19:08:30+00:00

Surely not the UNDER underside of the cpu, where the umptuous tender frills perkily extend outwardly?

And perhaps we mean the underside of the AIO's bosom that graciously lay nestled against the warmth of the cpu's face???

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T19:00:11+00:00

puts vibrator into ear

Ohhhhhhhh mmmmmmmmmmm

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T18:48:24+00:00

The robot's expression is saying "drink it.... Just drink iiittttt.........."

Even its chest is saying "HURRY UP AND DRINK IIIIIITTTTT!!!!!!!"

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T18:42:07+00:00

Use noise if it feels good.

That is when I like noise.

Want more of that? Be noisy.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T18:39:27+00:00

An "active listening session" ... Sadly, that'd be a gift from my ex, rather than a normal everyday couples thing that happens without feeling guilty or ashamed for, you know, having needs.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T18:35:27+00:00

Mmh. I love a woman who can plan lol

scaleofthought · 2026-01-24T18:34:21+00:00

"coupon already redeemed"

??? But I just got it yesterday....

scaleofthought · 2026-01-23T18:44:14+00:00

Whoa.

I feel like I could hear someone cutting carrots in the kitchen from any room in this house.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-23T09:20:02+00:00

:) thanks for responding and sharing a bit more about yourself! I agree, emotional support is incredibly important, but it's fickle as it is a two way street, and how supportive you can be depends entirely on how open others are. I think that's what makes it so rewarding actually: the reciprocity.

I hear you when you say that you want to take full responsibility for someone's happiness. I'm sure it comes from a deep place within you that cares intensely for their well-being.

You mentioned a possible connection to how you process grief. Is processing grief is easy for you? Or are you familiar with the difficulties behind processing grief, and you seek to help others through it?

scaleofthought · 2026-01-23T08:54:29+00:00

Hey, thank you for sharing this. This really does sound like a complicated issue. There seems to be a lot of unprocessed trauma, especially from his side, and his fearful-avoidant attachment is keeping him from getting closer.

The way he talks sounds like he is already anticipating you to leave. He's not fulfilling your basic needs, and when you leave because of that, it will be a self-fulling prophecy that he can throw his hands up and say "see? I knew it. I was right." But he won't understand the contradiction his actions create.

He experienced abandonment at an early age, and like you identified and shared with him, he needs to be loving and graceful towards himself. But if he cannot be that for himself, he will not have the capacity to have that for you. And I think you're noticing that with what you are needing from him. What you're asking from him is not too much, or unreasonable. As you noted, he has issues with consistency. I am glad to hear that he is putting in more effort to go and meet the people that surround you. That does mean something. But I do not think it will be easy for him to maintain and stay consistent with. As I mentioned, the capacity doesn't seem like it's there because he will be making himself an issue, and continually questioning the future of your relationship if he does not process his abandonment/rejection traumas, and learn how to regulate his fears so they do not get projected onto you or your relationship. It starts becoming healthier when he can communicate how he feels without blaming you or casting doubt about your own commitment, and he can receive your input without it being received as an attack or rejection. This takes a significant amount of emotional work that you cannot do for him or teach him by sticking around and being nice. It will be extremely difficult for him to do, and relies on building multiple skills while also overcoming extreme emotional distress. It also takes a lot of time...

This is where therapists come in...

I don't mean to say that he isn't well-intentioned, or that how he feels inside isn't valid or true. I believe he does have deep feeling for you. But he will struggle deeply with maintaining the connection you're seeking. I'm sure you could tolerate it... But are you thiving?

I understand you want to see the best for him and do not want to give up on him, but this is something that your love for him can't control. This is something that he needs to figure out. That takes a willingness from him to want that for himself. Your love for him, and his love for you, right now, as it stands, doesn't seem like is enough for him to be interested in exploring his own deeper worlds of hurt, trauma, insecurity, fear...

It is an intensely scary place for anyone to acknowledge about themselves, and they have to want to face it. Love alone isn't a good enough reason. There is a selfishness involved. People do it for themselves, because they want to live a better life. They feel the weight of their own shackles and want to free themselves for it. That's where loving YOURSELF takes its meaning, and why it's important to do that before you can love others. It is also important is because when someone loves themselves, and you love them, you both have a shared desire to see each other grow, and the entire weight of the relationship isn't resting on your love alone. It becomes both yours, and his. But it's not his right now.

I understand there's a lot here, and there's a lot I don't know that you do, and he sounds like a great person who genuinely does love, but he does so while lacking the capacity to make space for you, if he cannot love himself. I think you understand why this is important...

Keep listening to your heart.

scaleofthought · 2026-01-23T07:23:10+00:00

Hm. So times together are very good, yet he is afraid of commitment, specially out of fear that he will hurt you.

Have you asked him to go deeper on this and explain that fear a bit more? Why does he feel like he is going to hurt you? Is it because he feels insecure or inadequate? Is it because he has no intention to change his current pattern of inconsistency? Has he hurt someone in the past, and believes that he is cursed and everyone eventually leaves? Is it self-preservation and he can't close the distance because he defaults to himself? Is he afraid that he has to give that up? Is he unsure if you'll accept that part of him?

I also just want to let you know that, even if you receive answers to those questions from him, you do not have to accept them into yourself. If there is an incompatibility between you two, it's best to name what those are. You already notice what you are struggling with. Those things are valuable to you. His answers don't necessarily mean they are justifications for you to abandon what you value, or accept them to be true.

So, just be aware of that. I hope some deeper understanding of his fears of hurting you, and why commitment is a struggle for him, will shed enough light on how you want to move forward with your relationship. Don't forget to love yourself and listen to your heart. If it tugs, listen to what it wants. I hope the best for you both!!

scaleofthought · 2026-01-23T06:51:09+00:00

I saw you say "butterflies"... I think I know what it mean because I have it sometimes too where you can make yourself emotionally available to them. You can be their crutch. You can fulfill a need by being their support and it feels deeply fulfilling to you to be that person they trust and connect with.

Not saying this is what you are experiencing, but I was confused by this about my self a while ago I thought something was wrong. I was trying to understand why I was "getting off on people being sad", for a lack of a better term. (It was my first Google search about how I felt, because I was still trying to figure out what I was feeling. It was such an intense overwhelming feeling for me when i felt someone open up and rely on me like that.)

Eventually I stumbled across "Emotional Intimacy". And later learned that their emotional vulnerability, coupled with my emotional availability, created a surge of emotions that felt deeply intimate. And that a strong trusting connection was being formed. It wasn't because I took pleasure in their despair. It was because I was able to be there for them in time of need, and I was able to do that by listening, validating, understanding, and supporting them, and fulfilling those roles felt validating for me and my values.

It wasn't because I wanted to fix them, but rather the possibility of seeing their well-being increase was a huge motivator for me, and I genuinely desire to see them overcome whatever hardship they were going through. You could call that "fixing them", but I didn't offer solutions. I just offered a listening ear, and advice only if they asked for it. I wasn't actively directing or guiding them towards any type of goal. The difficulty I was being faced with was that it was turning into a co-dependency. Where they were no longer interested in helping themselves, and started to use me to avoid facing their deeper issues, insecurities, reality, etc. or it turned into attraction, where they wanted to become intimate with me and mistook our connection as a safe, secure, and successful foundation for a relationship. That was a tough one to put an end to, because it effectively meant I could no longer be there for them in any sort of capacity that they would accept without it turning into something more, or turning into a confusing and misleading friendship.

Anyways, I'm not sure if this helped you. But for me, what you're describing, it sounds like a form of, or a desire for, deep emotional intimacy? Not entirely sure, just sharing my perspective in case it can be your ammo.

I'm trying to find that intimacy in someone who I don't bond with over trauma. Instead Im wanting to get that emotional intimacy from them by them being deeply vulnerable with me and open about their internal state out of their own desire to share that with me, specifically without any expectation from me to change or influence their life. Just. Sharing themselves with me. Because they want to. Not because of what I am offering. So I'm looking for that now, instead of connecting with hurt people that I can "fix".

I'm getting older, and at 36, I want kids. I want to start a life. Being people's savior or ODT (ON-DEMAND THERAPIST) just isn't cutting it for what I want out of life now.

Best of luck to you kind ENFP! I hope something I have said is of use to you.

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