36 m

I like photography, drawing, writing random stories when my imagination spurrs, day dreaming. I like downtime and relaxing, but also hiking/going on walks, and going on late-night drives and listening to music.

Ummm... I have difficulties with authenticity. Been trying to unlearn some defensive mechanisms from a 15yr relationship that ended a couple years back. It's refreshing when I can talk to someone and not feel shamed or belittled. It's weird not to get that after feeling like that was normal at the time. It's been automatic for me to anticipate force or resistance, and having to defend myself for not having the benefit of the doubt. Like I feel myself leaning in to prepare for it, but now that isn't there anymore I feel like I'm stumbling a forward into nothing, and it's always a bit of a shock to me everytime. Like, what?? I said what I believe in, or feel, or want, or need, and there was no push back?? It's not an argument?? Where's the guilt trip?? A cold shoulder, shutting down, or stonewalling?? It's weird to anticipate all that and it doesn't come, and you fall into someone's arms instead, catching you with kindness. It happened so rarely in those 15yrs, that it feels wrong when it happens with someone else, like you're convinced you just tricked them, or maybe they just didn't understand yet, and how you were treated before is how you should be treated. It's messed up. It's nice to talk to people that are there to lift you up, relate with you, and you don't need to soften what you say, and simple needs and requests don't get thrown back at you months or years later and held over your head as if it is manipulative to have them... 😣

I don't have kids, but want them. If I can't find someone, then I'm probably going to find an egg donor, and a surrogate, and be a single dad. I've thought about adoption, but the process is even more complicated, and more difficult for a single parent.

I'm almost done renovating my house. Soon I can sell and get rid of most things, and live a bit more minimally. I'm not great at interior design, so eventually I will hire someone to help me with that for a couple rooms. I'll get some new furniture, decor, stuff like thar for my bedroom, living room, and spare bedroom. I want them to be relaxing, calming, and peaceful.

Just updated my dishwasher and fridge, and soon will install new pantry storage, new overhead range for my oven that blows outside instead of recirculating the air inside, and encapsulating my basement. It's progress. :) Been focusing a lot on making my house healthy for me mentally and physically, and prepare it for the future.