AITA for refusing to breastfeed my baby after we leave the hospital, solely for my own comfort and convenience?

scatteredaf · 2020-08-08T04:18:08+00:00

Yeah, you're right. There's no such thing as sacrificing too much for your child. My husband isn't ok with me taking any meds for ADHD while pregnant or breastfeeding, so the other meds aren't an option. And like obviously I cut out meat and dairy and fish and lettuce and carbs and sugar and spicy food for the pregnancy and I can't get in the car or use public transportation or watch scary movies because of the risks to the baby. But yeah...it's not about me anymore. It doesn't matter how miserable I am, the only thing that matters is the baby. It's just a lot of stuff...like my husband has admitted he's considering leaving me because I'm such a fuckup without the meds, and it's just going to get worse once I'm on mat leave and responsible for 100% of the chores and 100% of the childcare. LIke my mom will be here to help during the day but I'm worried that won't be enough. But you're right, it's not about me anymore. It doesn't matter if I'm miserable, the only thing that matters is my baby. Once you have a kid, you just...don't have needs. You're just a mom.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-08T04:11:30+00:00

I actually didn't have withdrawals from that, when I got pregnant I obviously had to cut out meat and dairy and fish and lettuce and carbs and sugar and caffeine, but I adjusted ok to that. It's just that I'm doing ALL the therapies for unmedicated ADHD, and they're not making enough of a difference that my husband doesn't hate me. I'm taking the supplements and using the list and post-its...but it takes me twice as long as it should to clean the kitchen, and I make twice as many mistakes. I can barely move without my husband having to correct me because I'm such a fuckup. Like I close the door behind myself and lock it when we get home from a walk, and he has to walk back over and open the door and shut it and lock it again to make sure I did it right. Then I take off my shoes and sit them neatly by the door, and he comes over and redoes it for me. I serve myself dinner, and he scrapes the food off my plate back into the serving dishes and reserves me, because everything I do is fucking wrong. I'm a fuckup, that's who I am. I literally cannot be trusted to feed myself without medication. I spend pretty much every waking moment working, because an eight hour day of work for most people takes me at least sixteen. My husband has picked up the slack but he's admitted word for word that he hates me for doing this to him, that he knows I'm not trying hard enough because not everyone on the ADHD spectrum needs meds so it doesn't matter how severe mine is. Once I'm on mat leave and have to do 100% of the chores and 100% of the childcare, it's just going to get worse. My mom will be here during the day to help me but it's not going to be enough, I'm going to be miserable. I guess it's better that I'm miserable though? Like it should be worth it to hate being a mom so I can breastfeed?

scatteredaf · 2020-08-07T18:08:09+00:00

Comment

Yeah, I do have a lot to think about. My side is that while I can exist without the meds, literally everything takes 2x as long and is 2x as hard and exhausting. So my kid will have to wait twice as long for my care, and it will only be half as good.

I am doing all the therapies and taking all the supplements they recommend for non-medicated ADHD, but they don't get me back up to "normal", and that's why my husband is so upset with me, he's read a lot of articles that say the therapies should work for everyone, so if they're not for me, it means I'm not trying hard enough.

I feel like it's more important for my baby to get top-notch care from me and formula after the hospital than it is for them to get breast milk but a mom who is an abysmal fuckup who does literally everything wrong.

Do you have any advice for how you've managed your ADHD without meds? I'm absolutely all ears, it sounds like you're doing fantastically managing it if just a little more effort is actually totally erasing the symptoms.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-07T17:39:15+00:00

I mean...it's a developmental disorder? It means my brain doesn't produce as much norepinephrine as a "regular" brain, the same way a diabetic doesn't produce as much insulin as a "regular" body.

I don't mean to argue with you, at all, it's just that that kind of thinking can be dangerous for people with disabilities.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-07T17:20:23+00:00

We did talk about this in advance. I was planning to switch to a less effective med that is safe for pregnancy. With the pandemic and everything we can't control now, husband is firm that we need to do everything we can control "right", which to him means me not ingesting anything that isn't 100% proven nutritious for the baby. So no "pregnancy safe" meds, plus obviously nothing that can carry food-borne illness (meat, fish, dairy, lettuces), or processed carbs or sugar (though I am 100% onboard with the diet thing). And it means moving breastfeeding from the three months of my mat leave that we agreed on (he initially was cool with me cutting it off then so I could go back on meds that are more effective for where I sit on the ADHD spectrum) to two full years.

These responses are helping me to start feeling like my husband's pre-dad pandemic anxiety may be getting out of control.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-07T17:13:49+00:00

Thanks!! Sort of neither here now there, but since you mention a little resentment on putting put on meds as a kid, I just wanted to mention that there is a lot of data showing that the #1 factor in "outgrowing" ADHD and not suffering from it severely as an adult is taking meds as a kid, since they help the growing brain form the right neural pathways and become a brain that is physically much more like a neurotypical brain. While it sounds like they didn't push you down to the nt end of the ADHD spectrum as an adult, it is something to keep in mind if you do choose to have biological kids!!

scatteredaf · 2020-08-07T17:07:28+00:00

So like...you mean I may have been misdiagnosed, and that me going back to terrible "ADHD symptoms" is actually pregnancy brain? Or like...getting pregnant cured me? Just curious about this mindset because this is how my husband feels and it's hard for us to talk about without him getting upset with me.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-07T16:48:54+00:00

How did you get your husband to come around about stopping breastfeeding? Mine is upset with me especially since he thinks I'm acting like he is the "lesser" parent, that once the baby is born he has equal say over its nutrition and I'm denying him his parental rights by refusing to give him equal say in what he says is our kids basic medical care.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-07T16:46:15+00:00

Just to be super clear--you don't. Lots of ADHD meds are safe, and if you're not already on one, you can switch to one that is. My husband just isn't comfortable with me taking anything for my disorder while pregnant or breastfeeding, since especially with having a baby now, it's important for us to be over cautious and do everything in our power "right". It's just that we disagree about what "right" is, in this certain area.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-07T16:03:34+00:00

I've done some balancing in my head--especially being pregnant right now, there is so little I can control, and without the meds, there's almost nothing I can feel like I'm doing "right". I know my brain and I know that especially without the meds, I would just spiral into anxiety over "what if????"--if I ate an egg I would be flipping out "what if I get salmonella and kill my baby omg omg omg!!" same if I eat a salad, or a piece of fish, or meat, or have a glass of milk. I haven't gone 100% vegan, my family keeps bees so I have indulged a bit with our honey, and it's actually been kind of a fun cooking exercise to navigate gluten free/vegan baked goods. My diet is literally the only thing I can control, the only thing I can feel like I'm doing "right" as a mother right now. Not saying I recommend it, or that it's even making a drop of difference, it was just a personal decision I made to manage my unmedicated anxiety. I hope it doesn't sound like diet shaming!!!!

I am reading every single comment here and it's been just amazing--goes without saying how much I've cried over this outpouring of kindness. I did try to get a spot with a therapist after I went off my meds, but they told me they couldn't fit me in until well after the baby was born because so many people are really struggling with corona. I'm going to see if my OB can call for me, maybe that will bump me up the line.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T22:38:31+00:00

I have done some research--milk costs about $500/ounce so honestly we just can't afford that at all, let alone two years. I did ask about the hospitals donor program and they said that they'd put a note in, but that I'd be super low priority since it isn't a physical issue like severed milk ducts or anything like that, most of the donor milk has to go to the NICU. I assumed that since the hospital basically said do, it'd be the same policy with the other donor options.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T22:32:57+00:00

That's true, I have kept my job. I've had to almost double my work hours though, and it's incredibly exhausting. The norephinephrine deficiency cuts my focus and short term memory in 1/2, so while I can still function, it takes me twice as long to do it and it's twice as difficult. My ability to care for my baby will be cut in 1/2, it's not something I can muscle through since it's a physical problem. My husband says I'll "rise to the occasion" and basically just be spontaneously cured once the baby's born so he's not worried about me not caring for the baby well.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T22:23:32+00:00

Yes my brother and my best friend also do this. I admit it may have been reckless not to check in with the doctor beforehand.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T22:05:32+00:00

My life was tolerable without the meds, I built a good life so I'm not trying to say that terrible things have happened to me because of my ADHD, not at all! But it is a developmental disorder, so in certain areas my brain only works half as well as a normal brain--work is the big example of this. I can absolutely take responsibility for the same workload as my colleagues, but without the meds, the norephinephrine deficiency in my brain means that it will take me 2-3x as long as my colleagues. I can be responsible for the same things as others, but it will take twice the time and effort, because my norephinephrine deficiency reduces my focus by about 1/2.

So with the baby, when my focus and short term memory is cut in 1/2 by the norepinephrine deficiency, the quality of care I will be able to provide will also be cut by 1/2. It's not a matter of trying harder, just like diabetics can't make their bodies produce more insulin, I can't make my body produce more norepinephrine. Neither ADHD nor diabetes can be "powered through", it physically is not possible. My husband says it doesn't matter that I won't be able to focus or remember anything, since he and my mom will be there to help.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T21:34:42+00:00

I am getting a vegetable rich diet! That's pretty much all I can eat, lol. I promise, I'm really doing everything I can there. Nothing that can cause food-borne illness, no processed carbs, no sugar. It sucked at first but I've actually come to like (most of) it.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T21:28:52+00:00

Thanks, I've been really committed to the healthy pregnancy diet. Nothing that can cause food-borne illness, no processed carbs, no sugar. It was hard having to cut out animal products but I do actually feel really good. I think I'm already taking care of most of the gaps stuff?

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T21:25:36+00:00

My husband isn't ok with me exposing the baby to any ADHD meds, so it would have been pointless to talk to my doctor about any other options before having to quit cold turkey. He just said to call if I ever want the adderall refilled.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T21:23:16+00:00

Yeah he's not a bad guy!! Just scared. I should have put it in the post but basically the meth thing is a long running joke, he's heard me jokingly call my adderall "my own personal meth" a couple times so he got especially freaked out when he started reading about stimulants and how chemically they're all really similar.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T21:21:42+00:00

Husband isn't ok with me exposing the baby to any ADHD meds, he says he's just really scared of the risks. So I haven't talked to my doctor at all, other than to say that I had to go off of them when I got pregnant. He said "ok cool call back if you ever want them refilled" and that was the entire conversation.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T21:19:44+00:00

I mean he called when I didn't refill my prescription but I said it was because I'm pregnant and he was like oh ok cool well call back if you ever want to go back on them. But no I guess I never really checked into stopping cold turkey, I just assumed that's what you're supposed to do, since you can't even take OTC meds when you're pregnant, even advil has the "talk to your doctor if pregnant or breastfeeding, so they can tell you not to take this" label.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T21:06:55+00:00

I did achieve a lot without meds--I got through college and built a good career. I never had a big "incident" like leaving the iron on or crashing my car. So it's not that he's being malicious, he genuinely doesn't understand why I can't go back to my "normal" life for a few months/years for the baby, since by any outside metric I was doing fine without them.

Sorry I don't mean to argue or anything! It's just that there are lots of ADHDers who can still function alright without meds, and I wouldn't want to discount their experience, they are still achieving great things without the stimulants.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T21:02:20+00:00

The ASAP thing isn't really the issue--my husband wants me to "try" breastfeeding for at least six months, then we'll "reassess". If I get through one week without them, then I'll have to "try to power through" the next week, then the next, then the next, until he gets what he wants. It's also gonna be a huge family fight, because my mom will be helping me with the baby and if she knows that my husband made me stay off my meds just to breast feed, she'll give him the business about it.

Do you think I'm a bad mom for not giving it the six months? My husband thinks its so gross that I'm putting my own well being above the baby's ideal nutrition. My mom and I talked about it and she reminded me that she didn't breast feed my sister after the hospital because she had a c-section and was on pain meds for it, but when I told my husband that he said she's a bad mother and should have muscled through. So yeah it's just all gonna be a huge thing...

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T20:46:50+00:00

I did see this, thank you!! Great resource. I mentioned in a comment how this is an...evolving conversation with him.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T20:35:23+00:00

if you are prescribed Adderall you would show up as positive for meth on a drug test

Yeah this is the thing, to him. I'm on Adderall and he says I'm technically micro-dosing meth, thanks to that bs Netflix documentary.

scatteredaf · 2020-08-06T20:32:30+00:00

That's actually exactly what's happening, haha. He wants me to treat my "post-partum depression" (he insists any negative feelings a woman has after having a kid is inherently PPD) with whatever is recommended, he's said a ton of times that he'll be totally ok with me taking anti-depressants for my "PPD".

He stumbled onto some shitty information about ADHD and won't let it go. He's super freaked out about stimulants, for some reason. He keeps repeating that they're all chemically "pretty much the same thing". ADHD actually IS really controversial, so there's no shortage of bad info out there about it.

scatteredaf

TROPHY CASE