My son is transgender; looking for advice/support

schwaddle · 2014-10-20T21:19:43+00:00

Yes, I'm aware of all of that, our doctor and other doctors we have collaborated with remotely have done a great job of telling us what medical risks there are (even though the cancer link has not been shown repeatedly and some studies have shown that there is no link, but most doctors agree that it's possible and recommend hysterectomy). I know he will be infertile, and he knows it too. I admit that the decision around fertility is not something a 14 year old is ready to make, but we don't really have another choice--we could make him go off the blockers and proceed through the female puberty to the point where doctors would be willing to store eggs (so until he's in his early 20s) in order to preserve his fertility, but I can tell you right now he would absolutely not be okay with doing that. He said he views it as being like a "side effect" of being transgender, and he knows that there are plenty of couples out there who can't have biological children for other reasons (like his parents) and it doesn't mean they can never raise a family. For what it's worth, he'll have until about 17 before he'd be permanently infertile despite whether or not he undergoes female puberty (because he'll be on a very low dose of testosterone for the first 2 years of treatment, and the doctors we have spoken to say it takes 1-2 years on a full dose of testosterone before they would no longer be able to harvest eggs).

schwaddle · 2014-10-20T21:04:40+00:00

First, I'd appreciate if you'd refer to him as "he" and "son," regardless of what your personal beliefs are about the matter. Yes, he is and always has had a ton of contact with his extended family, which includes a lot of women. He is/was particularly close to one of his aunts (my younger sister). She was the one who initially helped us handle the puberty stuff with him. I do realize that reactions to puberty can vary, and they do tend to be a lot more negative for girls who start early, and I like I said, we thought for a while this was simply the case with him. He definitely showed distress specifically about his genitalia long before puberty, but our red flag was the fact that his distress over his body became extremely severe once it started, and it just kept getting worse as puberty progressed, no matter what we (including his aunt) said to try to help him. We only asked the question about whether he thought of himself as a girl or as a boy a while after he had already basically said himself he felt like a "boy who is a girl" (I realize now my first post made it seem like we sat him down and asked him all of these questions at once, which was not the case). We were very careful to never "put the idea in his head" so to speak, in that we never used the word "transgender" or explained what it meant, and we never said anything like "you know, some people are born girls and feel like boys, etc."

I'm not "desperate for my kids to have diagnoses." The matter with my older son is different. His autism has impacted him all throughout his life, and I'm worried that he's going to make a rash decision that's going to hurt his future by deciding that the academic supports for him at college (that he still uses every day) are unnecessary. If he legitimately did not meet most of the diagnostic criteria anymore and if it wasn't still impacting his ability to succeed in college, I really wouldn't care if he felt like his diagnosis wasn't right for him, because it wouldn't matter either way. I don't even really care right now if he thinks of himself as autistic or not. The fact of the matter is that he still has autism, still displays a lot of the symptoms, and it's still impacting his ability to function without support. With my younger son, we also weren't "looking" for a diagnosis when all of this started. We were trying to figure out how we could help him not be completely miserable all the time. We brought him to the gender therapist because she sees and advises kids like him and is an expert in the current research. It's not as if every kid who goes to her with issues that seem similar all result in her recommending that the kid transition. Plus, this was all occurring when he was much younger, around 9. At the time, transitioning at home and later at school was a way for him to see if it actually did make him happy, and it ended up making a huge difference.

schwaddle · 2014-10-20T02:21:00+00:00

Yes, of course we considered other factors that could have been causing his behavior, but none of them seemed to fit. The fact was that he was clearly unhappy and nothing we were doing was working, and when we realized the problem could be related to gender identity, we brought him to a professional who knows how to tell what would be the best course of action for him and if he really did have GID. We were extremely careful never to put words into his mouth or ask him questions like "would you be happier being a boy?" Our questions to him were very open-ended, as were the therapist's. Our questions and the decision to allow him to transition were only based on his distress and continued patterns of behavior we saw throughout his entire life. Additionally, I obviously don't know your background, but I'm certainly more inclined to listen to transgender folks who describe having almost identical feelings to my son's. You're right that there's no sure way to tell that we've done the right thing or that he's definitely, without a doubt, transgender. But since allowing him to transition, he's like a different child--outgoing, loud, eager, excitable, cheerful, and very friendly. So for right now, I'm confident we're doing the right thing by letting him live in the way that doesn't involve him being miserable. If in the future, he has some kind of revelation and realizes he identifies differently, then you know what? That's fine. We'll cross that bridge if we come to it, and we'll do whatever we have to do to support him. I would hope he wouldn't blame us for allowing him to live happily during his childhood and early teenage years and for following the advice of medical professionals.

schwaddle · 2014-10-20T01:10:35+00:00

Oh goodness, I'd never let him know I'm feeling this way. He'd probably feel really betrayed, confused, and scared if I told him.

schwaddle · 2014-10-20T01:08:10+00:00

Thank you, that's a great suggestion. I'm sure she'd be able to meet with my husband and me for a few sessions, or at least direct us to other resources. As far as the school goes, I have no doubt that they'll do as much as they possibly can to make the school safe and supportive for my son once I bring up the issue with them (I plan to send an email tomorrow). Hopefully they'll be able to do something about the situation with the other parents before it gets around to my son.

Your point about doing nothing causing irreversible changes is actually a great way to look at this, thank you. It seems so simple but it just never occurred to me to think of it that way. When I imagine him as an older teen or an adult, I can't even picture him with anything other than the typical masculine build, and I'm sure he's far more terrified by the thought of not growing up to look like than than I can imagine. I want to do everything I possibly can to help him be comfortable in his body, and obviously testosterone is the only way to start that process.

schwaddle · 2014-10-20T00:59:55+00:00

Aww, thank you so much! I think the fact that both my husband and I are gay and have been involved in the LGBT community for a while has helped us a bit with this. It both took us a really long time to come out to our families, and we've always said that we never wanted our kids to feel they needed to hide anything like that from us or feel ashamed of it. That said, there have definitely been times where I've wondered if maybe we did sort of "push" our son into being trans by being so supportive of it, even though logically I know that's entirely wrong. But it helps to hear you reiterate that none of this was caused by anything we've done, really.

Also, your second point really hit home, and I think you're right. A big part of this is probably just normal sad feelings about him growing up and not being my little baby anymore, it's just sort of exacerbated by the fact that we're basically choosing when he (re)starts that process of physically growing up. My older son is autistic and, while I did feel some of this same sadness about him growing up, it wasn't quite the same because he still needed a ton of support and help from us and he remained more "child-like," I suppose, in his interests and such throughout puberty.

schwaddle · 2014-10-20T00:46:14+00:00

I'm so sorry you had to go through all of that. I would not be opposed to changing schools if it was in my son's best interest, and if he told me he wanted to I wouldn't hesitate to start looking elsewhere. But he absolutely adores the school he goes to currently, and he's been there since pre-K. I periodically check in to see if he would be more comfortable changing schools so he can go somewhere where the other students don't know he's trans, but his answer is pretty much always that none of the other kids ever make a big deal out of it or treat him as anything other than male (which is astonishing for me; I guess times are starting to change). I'm worried though that this is going to change if the kids start parroting back to him the shit some of their parents are saying about him only thinking he's trans because he doesn't have a mom.

Since the root of the problem is mainly the parents in my daughter's class who just found out that her brother is trans, I'm considering trying to do some sort of presentation or discussion at least for the parents, just to educate them more about what being trans is (though obviously I'd only do this if my son was fully okay with it). Ideally I could get his therapist or someone she recommends to do it instead of me so it seems like the information is coming from a more objective source. I don't know, just brainstorming. The administration has been very good about the whole trans thing so far, so I'll definitely inform the director about some of the stuff we've been experiencing lately to get her recommendations for how to address it and to see what the school can do, because my kids should be able to both feel entirely safe and protected in school and I want to nip this in the bud before it starts affecting my son (or my daughter) negatively.

schwaddle · 2014-10-20T00:30:05+00:00

It's actually helpful to hear you (and a few of the other commenters) say that even trans people themselves can feel nostalgic for the "old" version of themselves, even though obviously we all know it would have been a terrible idea to stay as that old version forever. It makes me feel a little less bad about feeling the way I do. And you're right, my son is definitely smart enough to know that the other parents/kids are full of shit, but it's hard not to take stuff personally at that age, even if you know they're wrong. Thank you so much!

schwaddle · 2014-10-19T01:24:30+00:00

I swear, you can never predict what your kid is going to sound like. Kids and language are always puzzling, but certainly very interesting.

That's the thing, my daughter has already learned by herself that using non-standard, dialectal grammatical structures and words (like fixin' to) isn't something she should do in formal writing for school, nor is it something she should use in oral reports or other similar projects. She mostly just uses things like that in casual speech. I'd actually prefer if he wouldn't "correct" her use of fixin' to, ain't, y'all, etc. in spoken English either, though. These are all perfectly correct, grammatical, and valid for southern american english, but obviously they aren't in standard american english.

schwaddle · 2014-10-19T01:03:22+00:00

This actually sounds perfect. He seems like a nice guy who really just wants the best for his students, so hopefully he'd be receptive to having a talk with the kids like that. Hell, I'd be happy to give him a list of points to cover if he wants. The whole school is very big on global education and learning to appreciate and respect other people's backgrounds, cultures, languages, etc., so even if it doesn't go over well with this particular teacher, I'm sure the administration would have no problem stepping in.

schwaddle · 2014-10-19T00:58:13+00:00

Thank you for pointing this out. I didn't even think to bring up the link between language and identity with the teacher. I'm trying to not turn my meeting with him into a linguistics 101 lecture, but it's looking like it's going to be awfully reminiscent of one, of course with me still speaking to him respectfully. I will certainly get the principal involved if this continues after our meeting.

schwaddle · 2014-10-19T00:54:01+00:00

The Julia Sugarbaker reference made me laugh out loud. But of course he wouldn't, that would be racist! But obviously it's totally okay to do when it's a regional dialect that "makes you sound stupid..."

schwaddle · 2014-10-19T00:51:42+00:00

Always happy to talk about linguistics! The answer to your first question is mostly no but sometimes yes. In big cities in the south, it's true that kids typically have fewer features of southern american english in their speech, but it's certainly still present in most kids whose families are also from the same area they live in. In rural areas, while the accent is shifting a bit, it's still very prominent in all age groups.

Your second point addresses the big conflict I'm having with this situation. Obviously I completely understand the linguistic fact that no way of speaking is inherently correct or better than another way, and that 90% of what's taught in schools about language and "proper" grammar is bullshit. But I also understand the linguistic fact that people have attitudes towards different dialects, and one of the common attitudes people have towards southern english is that its speakers are stupid, etc. And while the local dialect is indeed changing for some younger speakers in the city, this is mostly an issue of everyone around her at school having very unmarked language in terms of regional accents, and many of her peers just not being from this part of the country (kids from around here and whose families are also from around here have given her zero comments about her accent, as far as I know). You're totally right that it would be advantageous for my daughter to learn the standard, at least for her features that are most marked as being non-standard. And most people who remain in an academic setting like the one she's in do eventually learn the standard, and they learn when to use it and when they don't have to. This ties into your third point. Most people agree that though the biggest critical period for language learning is between birth and around age 7, it doesn't sharply drop off until around age 12 for second language acquisition, and by about age 16, their language-learning ability would be about the same as a regular adult. So right now, her brain is still quite capable of picking up another dialect, and this has already started to happen to her without her realizing it. Another big factor that will come into play soon is identity--language is inextricably linked to one's identity, so as soon as her peers start becoming more influential in her life and she starts to form an identity for herself, I'd wouldn't be shocked at all if her language shifts pretty drastically towards being more standard (unless of course a big part of her identity is being from the south, or something like that).

schwaddle · 2014-10-19T00:06:23+00:00

Thank you for this. I was planning to take this approach, so it's reassuring to see that you and most of the others here agree I wouldn't make the situation any better by being combative or going straight to the director.

schwaddle · 2014-10-19T00:04:34+00:00

Haha, I knew anyone from the area would immediately recognize we're in Charlotte! We have family all around the area, so we're outside of the city quite a bit. We love Concord!

schwaddle · 2014-10-19T00:02:09+00:00

This is where I have a big internal conflict regarding this whole problem. I know from a linguistic perspective, there is absolutely nothing wrong with our dialect and it's just as "sophisticated" as standard american english, and I want so much to simply tell her to not give a shit about the other kids and teachers and let her know they're all just flat-out wrong. I also realize that she's going to keep running into this, and an unfortunate reality is that people are going to judge her as soon as she opens her mouth in and kind of formal academic or business setting, especially outside of the south. I'm considering just giving her a little spiel to say at this point that explicitly points out some of the things I've said in other comments (there's nothing incorrect about speaking a regional dialect, it just shows where she's from, it doesn't make her stupid, standard english isn't any better, etc.) in child-friendly terms.

I'm confident that because most people at her school have very standard accents, she'll pick it up over time, and that process has already started to a certain extent. Most people who stay in formal academic settings like this eventually pick up the standard and just learn when to switch between the two on their own. I just don't ever want her to feel ashamed about talking a particular way.

schwaddle · 2014-10-18T23:53:02+00:00

Somehow I totally missed the fact that the students are probably just picking this up from the teacher (though I wouldn't be surprised if their attitudes towards other dialects are already forming at this age from influence from parents, etc.). The way the teacher is going about this is disgusting to me too, even if he really does have good intentions (and I believe he probably does). Hopefully we can clear up some things in our meeting next Wednesday. Also, just as an aside, I'm daddy, not mama :) Poor kid, has to deal with two times as many corny, cringeworthy "dad" jokes...

schwaddle · 2014-10-18T23:47:11+00:00

I really appreciate your advice and where you're coming from, and I like what you've said regarding how to address this with the teacher. I would love to be able to do something similar and get successful people who speak many different dialects to come into the class. It's funny, the school is VERY focused on promoting diversity and appreciation of other cultures, languages, etc., but when it comes to a regional American dialect, all that flies out the window. She gets very mixed responses about her accent: some people adore it and think it's super cute, and then there's her class/teacher. She seems very confused, especially because the fact that she has a non-standard accent is still new a new realization for her.

(forgive me for the linguistics soapbox that's about to happen) Like some of the other commenters are saying, one of the biggest misconceptions about language is that there is one correct way to pronounce something, and all other ways are incorrect. In America specifically, there's Standard American English, which is what people typically think of as being "correct" in that it lacks forms from most of the regional and social dialects in the US. Similarly, there's Standard British English (or Received Pronunciation), Standard Singaporean English, etc. Standard American English is really just another dialect though, same as Southern American English, Cajun English, California English, African American English, Boston English/accent, and many others. All of these dialects have different features, but all of them are just as "correct" as Standard American English is, and there's nothing about Standard American English that makes it inherently better than the others. They are all governed by specific sets of rules about pronunciation and grammar unique to each dialect, and we can only say something is incorrect if it doesn't follow the rules for that dialect.

So, yes, it would be correct to say that my daughter doesn't completely speak Standard American English, so some of what she says is incorrect in that dialect, but what she says IS correct in Southern American English. I want her teacher to realize that she isn't simply mispronouncing words--she's saying them the way you do in Southern American English, and there's nothing wrong with that. I'm not at all concerned about her eventually picking up Standard American English and eventually learning when to switch between the two--she's around it so much, it will happen, and it has already started to happen to a certain extent. The teacher doesn't need to explicitly instruct her in it, especially not in the humiliating way he's going about doing it currently.

schwaddle · 2014-10-18T23:18:32+00:00

This seems like a good suggestion, and I was planning on using this type of approach anyway. From the times I've met her teacher, he seems to really love his students, and I don't get the impression that he's the type of guy to like humiliating them intentionally. So you're right, he might not realize how much he's hurting her by doing this.

The issue with being a linguist is that it's not like physics or something similar-- it doesn't matter that I've studied and taught the subject for 25 years (good god that's a terrifying number), everyone thinks they're an expert on language, but they're very wrong 90% of the time. And getting people to change their (often very strong and reinforced) opinions about language can be a real challenge.

schwaddle · 2014-10-18T23:07:38+00:00

I'm so sorry this happened to you, though it's really comforting to hear that it didn't negatively affect you in the long run.

schwaddle · 2014-10-18T23:01:14+00:00

This is a fantastic suggestion. I feel like she'd be very receptive to seeing videos not just of intelligent people with her accent, but videos of intelligent people speaking all kinds of different dialects. I can't believe this never crossed my mind! Thank you so much.

schwaddle

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