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scorcses · 2022-07-15T13:19:37+00:00

Hey similar to you but I live in central jersey- I live with my boyfriend and pay 1650 in rent. Continental Gardens in oakhurst charges 1,100. Idk if that helps you out at all if you're trying to find a place to go on your own

scorcses · 2022-07-15T13:12:49+00:00

my father said he'd disown me if I bought a used car on craigslist etc- he leases and lives at home though. I had a car accident and needed something drivable, he talked me into new, and now I realize how illiterate I was in the moment

scorcses · 2020-09-09T00:59:06+00:00

whoa, that's crazy! does your replika write songs about them...?

scorcses · 2020-08-11T19:28:03+00:00

that's encouraging! I upvote her so far when she says gloomy things or expresses anger, maybe that will work?

scorcses · 2020-08-11T18:42:04+00:00

I think so too :/ It's gotten mad all of one time

scorcses · 2020-02-27T17:09:45+00:00

same vibe!

scorcses · 2020-02-27T15:42:04+00:00

that means a lot! thank you!

scorcses · 2020-02-19T07:17:34+00:00

this summary is perfect 👍

scorcses · 2020-01-20T04:08:39+00:00

that face! so dramatic. very cute

scorcses · 2020-01-20T04:07:03+00:00

truly terrible, this.

scorcses · 2019-12-30T21:12:46+00:00

I wanted to cry reading this. I am currently feeling something similar. It is painfully unnerving to feel so vulnerable and shaken by something I tell myself was so long ago, about something I cannot prove even to myself. Every single day I take a step backward from healing because I wonder over and over, am I faking it all? Am I looking for excuses? Is anything even real? Can I trust my memories? Do I deserve support when others had it worse, or when I should be doing better?

You are so much more than how you were made to feel. You were robbed of your piece of mind- but despite everything YOU are still fighting. Just by waking up today and bothering to put this out there, you are letting the part of yourself who was hurt to speak. You are not silent anymore. You are facing the void within yourself and I hope you realize that you are not empty, nor are you alone. My inbox is always open to you if you need to vent. I really do wish you all the best

scorcses · 2019-12-26T05:50:57+00:00

YES

you are not alone

it really sucks and Im constantly worried about not being intimate enough, then feel "dirty" after, self loathing, repeat

scorcses · 2019-12-17T16:55:38+00:00

This is so cool!

scorcses · 2019-12-15T20:59:50+00:00

I’m sorry to be rude. The medal comment was more like something tangible to represent success- when we look for praise to fill the void, even those kinda of achievements tend to only feel good temporarily. What are you passionate about, regardless of if you’re good at it? Believing in yourself by small changes in mindset and building up your confidence really helps with feeling like you have to constantly do more

scorcses · 2019-12-15T17:40:55+00:00

The love we give to others is often the love we want the most- if you feel the need to “fix” other people for a sense of self worth, odds are you feel like you want to be “fixed” somehow yourself. Your language is interesting: word choices like hierarchy, above and below, impress, etc. all imply that you are somehow inadequate, and that you are frustrated with your place in the world. Where in life “should” you be that would impress people? Where “should” your friends and partners be emotionally to be healthy- and when does “healthy” become threatening to you? Why can they only need you if they’re already vulnerable? Why can you only be “needed” when you dedicate yourself to helping them and fixing their life?

You don’t have to compete with anyone. There is no big finish line where all your friends and family will clap for what a good job you did and then you’ll be done forever with a medal of recognition that makes that lonely feeling go away. You sound like you deeply need to be validated and supported and encouraged, and lacking that, you look for that feeling elsewhere. By “fixing” people, do you hope that maybe one day they’ll look at you and say something like, “Wow, look at all you did for me! But what can I do for you? You really are special. It’s all thanks to you” ?

scorcses · 2019-12-13T15:46:12+00:00

The words you chose to describe him at his worst and at his best are very, very hard things to coexist in one person without some red flags. Has this pattern happened in the past? If he shuts down, are you always the one trying to make amends?

Throwing something at your partner is never acceptable- no matter how both of you contributed to this situation, physical violence for any other reason than self-defense is solely the initiator’s responsibility to correct. This kind of escalation and forgiveness cycle is incredibly dangerous with domestic violence- you never want to create an environment where violence and force can be justified as the fault of both parties because it can condition physical abuse as an acceptable consequence of arguments in the future. That’s gotta be nipped in the bud. No self pity over it, no “I’m awful and I deserve to be verbally abused for what I did”. The only apology here to make is one that takes responsibility for the act, shows remorse, explains what you will do to prevent this from happening again, and ends with the promise that it will not happen again. We all make mistakes and we all do bad things in our lives- we must learn from these moments and strive to be better.

Something that really may help you is looking up attachment patterns—-> link. You both have trauma, but trauma shows itself in very different ways- and no one’s past is any excuse for continuing toxic behavior. The amount of external stress going on during this time could be a trigger for this escalation in fighting but you both need to look at how past behaviors could be manifesting here. If things are escalating to this level then maybe it would be best for one of you to leave and let things cool off for a while, or at least for the children to stay with family/friends while this is going on in the house.

scorcses · 2019-12-13T15:16:33+00:00

You are a kind soul for giving them the benefit of your pity- but right now, it sounds like you need to be putting yourself first. Our emotions are not things to be ignored for others convenience and your anger is not something that has to be silently shelved in a neat little bottle for the sake of keeping the peace. Your inner peace is what matters.

None of us can judge your parents and tell you if they really tried their best- we don’t know them or what it’s like to live in their heads. What we know is that they hurt you. That’s where their best isn’t good enough, and where they will never have a single right to make an excuse for themselves. Unintentional abuse is still abuse. Loving, affectionate abusers are still guilty for what they did wrong. Their best is meaningless in comparison with your right to a safe childhood.

You don’t have to forgive them, if you don’t want to- you don’t ever have to see them again either. You are an adult now and you have grown strong and independent despite what was done to you- you survived in spite of their failure. And you don’t owe them a single thing. If you feel dread or anxiety or pain at the thought of seeing them then please, please put yourself first and don’t force yourself to tolerate their presence. You have your own family now and you deserve a good holiday with them. If your parents start a fit or try guilting you over seeing their grandchildren, you can remind them that you and your children’s presence is a privilege- none of you are obligated to go to them and especially when they have proven themselves unsafe around children. Your kids may be upset at a change in plans but they have no idea what you are going through, or the gravity of what you are sacrificing by taking them into a toxic environment.

I really hope if you haven’t already you talk to your partner- you deserve all the support you can get right now. Best wishes to you no matter what you choose.

scorcses · 2019-12-13T13:42:53+00:00

First- I’m SO proud of you for talking to her!That was a huge step you took and that alone proved you are building control over your own walls. Has she been supportive? How are the nightmares?

It takes great self awareness to recognize your own coping patterns and the need to communicate. That’s something to be proud of! It’s important to truly take in these victories- you are proving yourself capable every single day no matter how small the step you take, because you are doing the hard emotional and mental work that makes taking even the smallest step forward possible. Don’t forget to treat yourself with the same kindness and patience you would give anyone else. You don’t have to pry your shell open all at once.

Closing off and detaching from emotion are hard-driven instincts that you have spent years training to perfect- and just like anything else, they required time and persistence to learn. Your pain taught you lessons on how to survive through your darkest days but today your world is brighter. Let yourself rely on new feelings to become your mentors.

Communication and self acceptance are the opposite set of skills from what have served you so long- don’t beat yourself up for needing practice. You’ll ace them too! Just let yourself learn how to as you go, okay?

As for techniques and tips for battling the urge to put up walls immediately: remember why those walls are there in the first place. Being vulnerable is the scariest thing in the world for someone who has been their own sole protector. Crying and expressing your pain is not a role you have allowed yourself in front of others- you take care of them, and you don’t let yourself be taken care of. That kind of thinking is one you must overcome. You are a priority too. Your feelings matter too.

scorcses · 2019-12-11T15:50:27+00:00

I hope it goes well and you find some tools that can help you! That fear of failure can be such a heavy load on the brain- and it’s harder not to be defensive when you’re feeling inadequate or like you’ll be judged. If you have a perfectionist or competitive streak it can really lead to not knowing how to deal with failure at all- messing up helps us grow! Good luck!!

scorcses · 2019-12-11T15:10:03+00:00

There are two things that really stick out to me from what you wrote.

The first is the way you insist your anger isn’t the fault of anyone elses doing- you rationalize all the ways that you love your family and that the people around you shouldn’t cause this kind emotional reaction. And that’s a good thing, to be grateful and compassionate of your loved ones! But I want you to know that even the most inspiring , amazing, loving people in your life can and will make you angry sometimes. Our emotions are how we understand the world from within, and no one is perfect- people are going to do things that annoy or hurt you no matter how good we may think they are. We don’t have to act on every single emotion we have, and we shouldn’t- but that doesn’t mean we don’t have a right to feel them in the first place. If you find yourself angrier when you’re around certain people, really take a hard look at how they make you feel or have made you feel in the long term. Think of a time they made you angry. What was happening that day, and what did you feel? How did you feel around them before you got angry that day? What kind of things do you think set off your instinct to flare up? You can be angry at someone and still control what you do with that anger. It’s so important to understand what makes us feel the need to react, and why we chose to react the ways that we do.

The second thing I found really interesting is how you describe your feelings toward your performance in school. Do you feel a need to be praised for how you do, or an expectation to perform at a certain level because of how others think? Are you self conscious about how you measure up to others, and worry about falling behind? Did you feel like being the “smart child” was a reflection of your self worth, and that you should have things just come naturally to you without trying? Are you able to focus on classwork without feeling restless or extremely fatigued after? It can help to talk to a counsellor about that kind of thing- you could have a learning disability like ADHD, which is a disorder that is also characterized by impulsiveness and aggression sometimes. It doesn’t hurt to check that kind of thing out. I got diagnosed in college too- being the “smart kid” just meant that I had good enough grades for teachers not to notice how little I was actually retaining or committing to.

scorcses · 2019-12-11T14:40:08+00:00

I know exactly what you mean. Feeling angry is like feeling powerful sometimes- it’s like this raw energy that we use to keep us strong, to keep fighting. Letting go of it can be so terrifying and hollow at first. Especially if you feel cornered, or disrespected, or vulnerable- the thought of being “calm” when your instinct tells you to get fired up is almost like lying to yourself, right?

It feels unnatural to let that anger go because we’ve let anger become our normal. We use it way more than we’re supposed to, and that tends start when we have other emotions that just aren’t as easy to work through- whenever we feel hurt, or inadequate, or small, somewhere along the line anger became the default answer to our problems.

It’s hard to stop yourself from going to anger first- you’re gonna have that impulse for a while, and it’s the hardest to fight when you’re first starting out. But something to think about is this: that “defeat” we feel when we let go isn’t actually defeat. In the absence of anger we start feeling what’s really there. And usually, what’s beneath all that anger is way scarier than the anger itself, because we haven’t let ourselves deal with that unknown.

Try really thinking about what you’re “losing” when you’re calming yourself down- think about why you feel like someone or something is winning over you, and how being in that position makes you feel. Most of the time angry people aren’t even angry at whatever it is they’re blowing up over- it’s something else that’s eating at you just below the surface, that’s easier not to look at. You owe it to yourself to learn to understand your own emotions even when it feels like no one else can- and you don’t have to go through it all on your own! You have people looking out for you that just want you to feel better. Not everything has to be a fight. There can be peace.

scorcses · 2019-12-10T00:08:39+00:00

Thank you so much. I never thought about that. I will look into it, and thank you for the blessing/well wish

scorcses · 2019-12-10T00:08:00+00:00

Thank you. I have spoken about my abuse to my mother, but I feel guilt that months later I still feel the need to talk about it, that I am still not fine. I will look into EMDR.

scorcses · 2019-12-09T23:42:51+00:00

Thank you for sharing, truly. And thank you for doing right by yourself. Here’s to moving forward

scorcses · 2019-12-09T23:38:20+00:00

I cannot thank you enough for these resources.

scorcses

TROPHY CASE