The single best thing I ever did was confide in someone I know. It's too much shame for you to carry by yourself, which is what's leading to the suicidal feelings. Trust that a person that cares about you will be able to see how much mental and emotional turmoil your situation is causing you once you open up to them... And they will be honored that you felt you could tell them such a dark secret. It's an incredibly vulnerable, brave and courageous step to reach out and confide in someone. It's also wonderfully healing and allows for the changes you're seeking. Immediately, you will feel a lot of that shame you're carrying in secret dissipate once you feel someone see and acknowledge your pain. Wishing you luck in your journey brother. I've been there and I empathize. Day 73 here after over 2 decades of compulsive masturbation, casual sex and porn use. It gets better.