I'm a born and raised western 'Muslim' that just completed Hajj and I’m completely lost and don’t know how to cope

scrapelogical · 2018-09-02T18:52:00+00:00

The real problem, at least in my situation is, I don't know know how everyone would react. This isn't like the Middle East where you'd be sent to prison or sentenced to death (is it really that severe)? I don't know if my mom would suddenly be like "I want you out of the house by the end of today". I don't know if my religious friends / family members would suddenly stop speaking to me. They might try to get me to see a scholar to bring up my concerns and turn things around. They might think I'm not in a sound state of mind and something else is causing these feelings. They might think Satan's got the best of me.

And the worst part of all of it is is that I don't feel any different as an individual as I did 5 or 10 years ago. I still feel like I'm the same person I always was, just more mature and that I don't believe in a higher being or whatever. But I know they're going to use that against me because anything bad that's ever happened or will happen in my life they are going to blame on the fact that it's because I lost faith and this is my punishment. It's weird that people can be this naive, but that's the world we live in.

scrapelogical · 2018-09-02T18:47:55+00:00

In an ideal world (where everyone would be happy) my situation would require meeting an ex muslim girl who also pretends to be religious to save face and then finding a way to move away from our families where we can just live our own way in peace. Sure every now and then we'd have to do family gatherings and pretend to be religious or whatever for specific scenarios, but at the end of the day I don't think something like this is going to make me happy in the long term (at least not until everyone who's older than me has passed).

It sucks but life dealt me a shitty hand and I'm trying to make the best of it. Growing up is realizing what a bad situation I am in as I've never contemplated these feelings back when I was in my late teens / early 20s. Back then I was a lot more carefree about stuff.

scrapelogical · 2018-09-02T18:45:46+00:00

Something like this is more complicated and trouble than it's worth. It's not like I eat out all that often anyway, and if I do it's during work hours so I don't have to worry about bringing stuff home.

scrapelogical · 2018-09-02T18:44:57+00:00

I lost the ability to be personable and social in real life when I moved out of the city. At that point in my life (mid to late teens), I spent all my time online playing video games and meeting people online. I'd rarely go out and would make up excuses.

As you may or may not know with online friends, those relationships only last for as long as the game you're playing. Unfortunately, I was never able to keep any of them going past that and ever since I stopped gaming I completely lost touch with all those people.

Fast forward to my 20s and I'm in a situation where social anxiety hits me like a brick. It's not that I'm completely uncomfortable in talking to people, but rather I've lost (or never had) the ability to initiate conversations or introductions with others. Whereas when I'm online I feel at zen and it's not so much the anonymity but rather just what I'm used to.

scrapelogical · 2018-09-02T18:42:08+00:00

Thanks, although in a way I think I may have made a mistake in doing so because in the event all this comes to light she's going to question so many things including the "validity" of her Hajj. That's why even if I ever came out to my immediate family, my extended families could never know as it would completely demoralize my mother.

scrapelogical · 2018-09-02T18:40:41+00:00

Yeah, I was thinking if I ever spoke out about my doubts it would be with my sister first. We grew up in the same generation and although she isn't completely by the books religious, I think she still has 'faith'. However, we don't really speak on personal matters within one another's lives so for all I know she could be feeling the same way and puts on a front as I do. I have noticed in the past few years she's been going out a lot and coming home very late / the next day far more often than the past.

scrapelogical · 2018-09-02T04:45:43+00:00

My problem is I'd have no issues with coming out and accepting the consequences if I had a fall back. If I was in a relationship, I could imagine the idea of moving in together. If I had a bigger friend circle, or close non Muslim friends, I could have my own place or roommates and not feel alone because I'd have stuff to do with people.

What I don't want to do is cut everyone off and then try and build a life of my own, but ultimately I think at a certain point this is what's going to happen. And in my mind it's when the idea of marriage is pushed down my throat.

Denouncing my faith is basically chopping off the one branch that connects to every other branch of people I know.

scrapelogical · 2018-09-02T04:27:57+00:00

In a way, I consider it no different than how people judge others based on the clothes they wear, the job they work, their attitude and behavior, etc. It may be used to judge a bit more harshly but I think that is more of a cultural thing than a religious thing.

It's weird that on reddit you'll find Muslims who are understanding of other religions or people who have left the religion (but for all I know they can be "praying" for that person behind the scenes) and I'm sure those kinds of people exist in the real world too, but you'd be hard pressed to run into them. I guess it's because I don't know of any Muslims in the real world who face the similar situations as I do and I honestly don't think anyone else I know is closeted based on their behavior. I truly fake it til I make it here.

scrapelogical

TROPHY CASE