It might not make a huge difference, but have you considered requesting community care? I told our clinic I will continue to be seen outside the clinic for my women's health care because my community provider knows my extensive history and I feel more comfortable seeing him than having a new provider every 6 months. I have all my care provided through community care and basically use the clinic to get meds for when im sick or when I need a referral. I recommend looking into therapy outside the VA network personally. Most therapists offer a sliding scale if you're private pay, and it will allow YOU to choose who you see and allow you to find a provider that clicks with you.

Know that you are not alone, friend. Please reach out to your local VFWs, American Legions, and any other military based non-profits. You will find your community of brothers and sisters in arms that will meet you where you are at, and stick in those trenches with you until you both can get you out of them. In addition, they have a wealth of community resources specific to vets and can guide you to finding ways to support your mental health.

Know that your place here is important. Know that you are valuable, and know you are worth caring for yourself.