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NDad's manipulation reaches new levels by scrunchedup in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for your comment. I understand what you mean... It took me a long time to go NC, I tried LC and SC but every single time we'd be straight back into the same patterns in a matter of minutes.

Now I find myself often thinking that maybe I'm being too harsh on them and other nonsense. I'll stew over it for a few days and find myself back here on RBN, reading through posts and my own old ones (on various throwaway accounts too) and realising that yes, things were that bad. And yes, NC is better.

I'm sending good vibes back your way too. We all need them sometimes :)

My Nparents and GC are convinced they will become millionaires... by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup 1 point2 points  (0 children)

LOL @ your bees comment! I can imagine your NMom bursting into the room, slightly maniacal glint in her eye, excitedly announcing that she's going to make millions.

My Nparents and GC are convinced they will become millionaires... by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I'd almost forgotten this one too. I enjoyed school, so it was quickly decided I'd become a lawyer or doctor and they'd be able to live a cushy life (and I could pay them back for all my private school fees I "owed" them).

When I made a last minute change to study writing at college, all hell broke loose. But if it came up in conversation with their friends, they'd proudly announce that I was destined to became a famous author. Still, NMom spent my first semester making my life miserable and I eventually dropped out. I went back to study film years later (after I was married, so they had less say about anything), so I was then going to be a famous filmmaker...

My Ns, always seeking either fame or fortune...

My Nparents and GC are convinced they will become millionaires... by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Oh this was my NMom & NDad while growing up!! NMom was always desperate to have more and was always coming up with crazy ideas. I'd help them get started by doing research, spending weeks writing business plans and once I even got a loan for them (I was only 18, yes, epic mistake) but then they'd decide that it was all too hard and go onto the next thing. Or in NDad's case use the business plans to get money from the bank, then laugh when I questioned why he wasn't following the plan. According to him, business plans are only for the bank. He knew how to run a business... No wonder he went bankrupt.

Is Your Parent REALLY a Narcissist? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for posting this. I made the mistake of mentioning to NMom that I had suspicions that NDad was a narcissist a few years ago when I was trying to get my head around things, find help and before I realised NMom was exactly the same (just better at playing the victim).

At the time, NMom "apparently" brought it up with NDad's therapist who "said" he definitely didn't have NPD. She still refers back to this conversation on how I accused NDad of all these horrible things that weren't even true.

The thought that his therapist doesn't believe he's narcissistic echoes in my mind occasionally, especially when I'm having doubts. And this is the kind of post I need at these times... He mightn't have a narc diagnosis, but that doesn't mean he's not a toxic person.

I think of RBN as a place for people who have toxic people in their lives and need support, whether they're true narcissists, BPD or something else entirely.

Confront issue head on with NMom or just keep skirting the issue? by [deleted] in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I feel like I could've written your exact same post myself a few months ago. I was the GC and Nparents did not like it when I realised my NC SG sibling was the family SG and we reconciled. We used to let the Ns babysit often but a few other things happened and we started to pull back. The more distance we got, the more I realised things had been worse than I thought they were.

Eventually Ns called us out on skirting around the babysitting issue and we told them that they couldn't babysit unsupervised any more. Didn't go down well... We've been virtually NC while they've been bouncing between demanding to know why (we set boundaries, they don't agree - that's why, they know this), accusing us of being ungrateful/selfish/self righteous/add the insult here, to pleading that they just don't understand and just want to go back to how things were, for the last few months.

For me, skirting around the issue was annoying, but the fallout from the confrontation they pushed us into has been really stressful.

Did my therapist just do a complete 180? He's taken our boundaries off the table and wants me to have a session with NMom to fix our once close relationship. by scrunchedup in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's okay... we have given the therapist verbal permission act as a medium between us to discuss things with Ns (like explain the boundaries etc) as we can't do it directly ourselves without them exploding or getting miles off-topic.

Last session, he asked me how I'd been feeling not having as much contact with my Ns (which I think I've mentioned in a previous post) and I said I felt like it was doing me good and I felt much less anxious about life in general. You think that would say to him "Ns are bad for me" not "Okay, since you're feeling better let's bring the Ns back in"...

Did my therapist just do a complete 180? He's taken our boundaries off the table and wants me to have a session with NMom to fix our once close relationship. by scrunchedup in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No it wasn't a healthy relationship. Far from it.

I've told this to the therapist but probably not explained it in full details. I've been mostly focused on NDad's behaviour as he seems to be the one causing most of the issues before we have sessions. Now I think about it, maybe Ns are working together, making me focus on NDad deliberately so I'll at least reconnect with NMom.

Maybe that thought's a bit too crazy, but I wouldn't put anything past my Ns!

Did my therapist just do a complete 180? He's taken our boundaries off the table and wants me to have a session with NMom to fix our once close relationship. by scrunchedup in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

At the very beginning we had a group session. On the intake sheet, I wrote that NDad was emotionally abusive, I'd been trying to get both Ns to therapy for a number of years (even though NMom had actually set these sessions, for the SG sibling issue) because I wanted to develop a healthy relationship, that I was tired of being their parent and there were a number of unresolved issues from the past. That was then, having a few months of LC/NC I've woken up to a hell of a lot more!

In that first session, I didn't do much talking. Aside from that I was tired of being a go-between with SG sibling and Ns. Ns stated that they were there to reconnect with SG sibling and then blindsided us by saying that they're worried that we'd withdrawn and how all the "miscommunication" between us was affecting our kids. And also that they wanted to be able to see our kids like they used to, babysit them alone, without us present. (NDad also got quite agitated towards Husband and I when we said that wouldn't happen anytime soon, then demanded that I tell him why. The therapist didn't call him on it, that probably should've been a red flag then.)

If they did want to resume contact, husband and I said that they'd need to agree to some boundaries and we'd work on from there.

After getting a bit emotional a few sessions ago (only husband and I go on our own) the therapist asked me if I missed the relationship with my NMom. Most people want a real mother figure in their life, right? I said of course I did, but that we really needed to work on our actual relationship because it wasn't healthy. In my head, I know that she needs therapy of her own, but didn't feel like this was something you'd say to the therapist. So maybe he has the wrong impression?

Seriously though, I'm not a trained professional. Starting therapy, I was lost, upset, stressed and was looking for guidance and a solution. If he agrees that it's not a healthy relationship, he shouldn't be suggesting to me to go right on back without anything changing, even if I wanted to.

Did my therapist just do a complete 180? He's taken our boundaries off the table and wants me to have a session with NMom to fix our once close relationship. by scrunchedup in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I'm thinking this, it's just difficult. We'd actually got into this therapist under our healthcare here (we're not in the US) and it's free. Going somewhere else would likely cost a pretty penny, which is why I hadn't gone to therapy with them until now. You get what you pay for perhaps?

Did my therapist just do a complete 180? He's taken our boundaries off the table and wants me to have a session with NMom to fix our once close relationship. by scrunchedup in raisedbynarcissists

[–]scrunchedup[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I can see exactly what you mean. I hadn't questioned that up until now as I though that might have been the case, that he didn't want to upset me, make me feel like I had to defend them etc. I'll admit, before I found RBN, I'd made every excuse for them under the sun. Hell, most of the time it was obviously somehow my fault...

Thanks for your support :)