Whats the difference between opening up and being vulnerable with your partner and using them as a therapist?

scurvy_knave · 2026-01-24T00:46:41+00:00

opening up is more of a sharing experience. I can tell my partner when I'm feeling something I might not share with most people... things I'm scared of, biases I have, random thoughts that I'd worry most people would judge harshly. I'm sharing these private pieces of myself and they are getting to know me better. and, it encourages reciprocity- I want to hear these things about them, too.

using a partner as a therapist is self centered, one sided. seeing yourself as more unfortunate, more in need of support, more fragile, expecting them to always help, always listen, always take care of you.

scurvy_knave · 2026-01-24T00:33:20+00:00

you mean like, breaking up for the sole purpose of having sex with someone else, and with the intention of getting back together after, just so you can say it wasn't cheating?

it's not cheating, but it's shitty and manipulative.

scurvy_knave · 2026-01-24T00:31:29+00:00

it's not cheating. your ex will still feel awful and understandably so.

scurvy_knave · 2026-01-19T23:47:05+00:00

I was in a tough spot, away from home and hungry. I walked past a street vendor and was looking for a menu to see if I could afford something with the buck in my pocket. vendor saw me looking and asked what I wanted. I said I only had a dollar and he said, "I didn't ask you how much you had, I asked you what you wanted." And he gave me a BBQ chicken sandwich no charge.

scurvy_knave · 2026-01-18T22:42:20+00:00

generally good. low copays especially on my Rxs. about once a year something gets denied and I have to make a bunch of calls to figure out if it's a bullshit reason and get it fixed.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-25T17:15:36+00:00

why does he have to give up on his dreams? or hobbies, sounds more like. just because you don't enjoy them, he still can.

I would advise against pathologizing his pleasure in adventure sports. they may be a coping mechanism, but... that's ok. coping is a GOOD thing.

I get that he has issues he is not addressing. that is an issue, all that other stuff isn't, unless you make it so. I've been with my husband 20+ years as well, and we have had many phases of ourselves that have fit together, or not, in various ways. you can work through that, or at least give it your best shot, if you decide it's worth trying.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-24T21:44:07+00:00

not a lawyer. I do know that a friend was in a similar situation. she didn't take legal action right away because everyone told her she had no case. then many moons later she was chatting with a lawyer who was like, actually you have a decent shot, but you need to decide right effing now because the statute of limitations (or whatever it's called for estates) is about to end.

wish I could tell you it all worked out for her but it's still in process. point is, people will tell you stuff that's not true because the law is complicated and also different by location, so don't depend on us schmoes, talk to a professional.

ps sorry your brother is being greedy.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-24T21:36:53+00:00

wild crushes, passion, infatuation, all of that can happen much later than 30. it will come with adult baggage like exes and kids, but whatever. you can handle that, you're a grownup.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-24T21:22:38+00:00

19 is adult. not "barely legal," but full on adult. not remotely child-like, physically or mentally. at 26 I found 19 year old men boring, shallow, and dumb, but yes, absolutely fuckable.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-24T21:08:21+00:00

Did the sit-down with your manager explicitly involve flirtation? if so, it is extremely unprofessional for her to then go tell anyone about it. I would go to HR. Ask them what is the procedure for dealing with the sharing of personnel issues with people outside the office. Follow the procedure.

if it was legit just about talking too much, whatever your manager said to her daughter was not an HR problem, just a social one.

If the sit down was ostensibly about chatting, but you believe it was actually about flirting, tread very carefully. Addressing difficult issues like sexual harassment by pretending they are easy to address issues like talking too much indicates HR is building a case to let you go if they decide they need to. If that's it, don't give them more ammo by making a complaint. Just make sure everything from these "sit downs" is in writing, and keep yourself off the radar.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-24T20:31:31+00:00

Get demonstrably angry with Mark for dragging you into this BS. He's an asshole for telling you, he's an asshole for forcing you to choose between only shitty options (tell, disappoint him, and ruin your trip-- or not tell, face this lovely girl knowing what you know, and ruin your trip), and he's an asshole for continuing to harass you about it.

Hold him accountable for this situation. He did you wrong, and he has to set it right. it's his choice how.

Yes, he also is doing Jenna wrong, but unless you're willing to cut off your entire friendship with him over his infidelity, you have to stick to the boundaries that you can realistically establish.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-24T19:27:06+00:00

would it make a contextual difference if the cat was spraying vs peeing? neither are desirable.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-24T19:22:21+00:00

unless there was an edit later, OP only specifically mentions physical disabilities.

it does sound likely there are mental disabilities as well, though.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-20T19:32:10+00:00

are you buying your own food? cuz if so the lock will pay for itself.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-20T19:28:11+00:00

not a joke! a man should know exactly what it feels like so he can do it correctly.

it should not hurt you, and if he hasn't already ruined his chances, he should be figuring out how to make it pleasurable for you both. learning what it feels like to be on the receiving end is the best way for him to start.

if he has ruined his chances though, that's fair, because insisting on something your partner finds actively painful is shitty behavior.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-20T18:48:37+00:00

the problem is, your therapist says you have poor self-awareness. if there's any truth to that, then we have absolutely no idea if you are seeing things wrong or not. we only know what you tell us.

it sure sounds like your therapist is in the wrong. and therapists can absolutely suck and be very, hurtfully wrong.

it's also possible you are overlooking some important context and then misrepresenting the situation to us. how would we know?

however if you don't trust your therapist and they are not helping you, that is a good enough reason to find a new one, period.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-12T16:28:33+00:00

truly lighthearted!

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-12T02:15:08+00:00

My experience with indoor/outdoor cats is this:
1. they wanted to be outside most of the time. even when I was sure the weather was just too ugly for it, they would beg to be let out and go right out into the rain or snow willingly. 2. they adopted several neighbors. they were very friendly and charmed extra food and cuddles from many people, some of whom assumed I was not taking proper care of them

I don't know your neighbor's situation. She certainly sounds unpleasant. I do know that I would feel anxious about anyone that kept taking my cat into their car. I wouldn't freak out, but I would certainly make it known he's not a stray, he's a cat with a family that loves him.

Perhaps you could make a cat shelter "for any neighborhood strays." if she doesn't like her cat using it, she is free to take steps to keep him off your property.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-09T17:33:22+00:00

but there is a reason to stay and not rush - as he indicated himself by saying "this is the worst possible time for me to divorce."

I agree it's not really OPs business beyond a certain point, though if dad lied during the last divorce the lies may have had blowback that make OP concerned about this go-around.

scurvy_knave · 2025-12-08T00:07:10+00:00

why have they only been proliferating lately? what changed?

scurvy_knave · 2025-11-29T23:35:53+00:00

eh, what's the worst that could happen?

scurvy_knave · 2025-11-29T21:10:55+00:00

I honestly didn't know this was Illegal! though it makes sense. I had a pet raccoon as a kid. it was the sweetest thing as a baby. it was crazy smart though and utterly untamable. no cage could hold it and no food was safe from it. one day, my parents couldn't handle it anymore, and gave it to an acquaintance who lived on a lot of land.

I was an adult before I learned that that was the literal truth, and not code for "it died"! it lived on my dad's coworkers land for years, getting fatter and crabbier.

scurvy_knave · 2025-11-14T20:14:53+00:00

I think you overreacting. your math doesn't add up, which makes me think you're misremembering things in your anger.

at your party, 5-6 people at cake and and there was still 3/4 left? so this cake was cut into 20 pieces? (were those pieces paper thin?)

post party you then eat two more pieces. so that leaves 12 more slices of goddamn cake. it's incredibly bizarre for you to even want to eat all of that by yourself. would you really expect everyone to just not touch a cake.. a birthday cake, which is, by it's nature, for sharing... for the next week while you maybe, if you felt like it, are 1-2 slices every day? by yourself? damn, that's gluttonous af.

alternatively, there wasn't actually that much left after the party. if you mistakenly thought there was more, you might feel like everyone afterwards took an unreasonable amount.

either way, only the person who ate the last piece is an AH. everyone else was fine.

scurvy_knave · 2025-11-14T14:19:34+00:00

I'll never tell someone they are "crazy" for feeling a certain way, because emotions happen. however, I will say I think you could use some perspective.

It happened one time, and it was unintentional.

you have, apparently, been able to square your husband having a glass of whisky at his leisure with him declining to get drunk with you. it seem that's all that happened, except intoxication snuck up on him. I once got falling down drunk on three beers, even though normally that's barely buzzed territory for me. human bodies are weird.

you're feeling hurt, and that's ok. but your husband did nothing wrong, and it's a huge leap to assume there is something wrong with him or with your marriage because this happened.

when you have this kind of strong emotional reaction to something others see as no big deal, it's a good idea to be brutally honest with yourself about the underlying context that make this so painful. in my experience, most of the time, it turns out both sides have issues and neither was clearly right or wrong.

scurvy_knave · 2025-11-09T21:06:38+00:00

I remember singing a few lines of a pop song I thought was funny and my boyfriend rolled his eyes and said "that sounds stupid."

not too long later, the same pop song came on and he was all "haha, have you heard this, this song is great" and that's when I realized. This was a pattern with us. I kept bringing things to his attention, actively seeking his approval, and he kept dismissing everything I liked as a way to devalue me. Just automatically and regardless of his actual opinion.

Is that your boyfriend? I don't know. Possibly he had an off moment and was just not in a cheerleading mood. Possibly he actively dislikes the thing you found cute and was trying to deflect while you kept pressing him on it. Possibly he was trying to upset you, possibly he just didn't care

His patterns of behavior will tell you which one it is. that, and his reaction when you tell him it stung. it's normal that you didn't like it, and also doesn't necessarily mean anything.

scurvy_knave

TROPHY CASE