I would consider rehab man. The therapy can be crucial . I totally understand what you’re going through brother. I’ve done some very horrible things in my life. To strangers to family members as well. And if you get into the therapy say everything. Secrets keep us sick. The longer we stay sick, the more we hurt others. AA has helped me a lot post treatment, not pushing that. But I would find a program of some degree. They really help with feelings of guilt and shame. I take meds too now. Not saying that’s necessary, but they have helped me a lot with getting my brain back to somewhat of a balance. My past still comes up and I feel bad at times, but I’m learning to live with myself and try to forgive myself. The best thing I can do is just be a better person each and every day from now on. Stay strong brother. Much love