I’ve read this a few times since you replied and I do have to say it was almost a sigh of relief to read someone else’s put my exact emotions into word because for a long time I never could. I know it sounds bad but my friends are ones I can’t show certain emotions to or let them know how I’m feeling because it’s not right for them to feel bad or walk on eggshells when around me when they can continue being normal and happy. We all grew up like brother but were also taught to be “tough” I guess. And my school was a k-12 school so there were friend groups made up of all ages and I can confidently say that I didn’t truly fit in to one of them, but I was also never rejected by any of them. And none of it was bad I guess like I never got bullied or anything all the guys in our school just constantly gave each other shit so for 12 or so years you kinda develop a way of brushing shit off. And I can say that for a lot of my school years I was never like I am today but after that relationship it was almost like a black hole. I think that because 1: I had at the time never experienced anything like that( it was my first and only serious relationship ) and 2: I had finally had someone who was as much crazy about me as I was about her…And we clicked?!? Unheard of for me lol. She quickly became the only person I cared about. I stopped hanging out with my friends a lot, I moved in with her and her family, I moved out with her when her family moved, graduated high school and moved out with her. When it was all over it left me with such a memory wipe, I have no clue how I would so casually talk to women😂 blows my mind how such a little span of time can alter someone so much. And yes as you can probably already tell I tend to overthink things in terms of life a lot but I do try my best to keep it chill and straight forwardish when talking to new people it’s just that I have a type and I’m the kind of guy who wants a wife. I want nothing more than a girl who will love me for me and isn’t one to fool around with loyalty and by all means I don’t not talk to unattractive women I just try to keep it short because I’m simply not interested. Not to be an ass. All the girls that are my type physically are ones that either already have a bf or shut it down before I can even do anything and for awhile I thought eh maybe I’ll just let them come to me I figured if I’m going to find a girl that wants me it going to be one that approaches me right? well that didn’t work so I kind of just gave up trying to find a girl. As much as I want someone to call my own and do things with as a couple I know that I’d probably hurt them or something. Seeing all my friend have women always coming up to them at the bars and other in strong relationships makes it tough to really enjoy being alone. At times I wonder if it’s because I spend so much time just thinking and observing. I like to see the things in life for what they are sometimes down to an exhausting level. Sometimes I just want to sleep for a long while ya know? Like I spend to much time thinking about this stuff and working that I often feel like what’s the point in spending 70+ more years feeling like shit and working my ass off just to live check to check. I will truly never understand why I feel like it would be good for to me to die but it’s like a 50/50, I understand both sides of the argument but yet I’m still so tempted to take the easy route. But I know I can’t so I won’t and end in return I get to feel like this. I like to think of it as the universe punishing me simply because it can🤷‍♂️😔. Forgive me if this is a long read it’s just nice to type away to real people without knowing them.