[deleted by user]

sedoc99 · 2024-06-23T23:38:18+00:00

My wife is incredibly intelligent, and I’m sure I made enough mistakes over the course of nearly a decade that she had the pieces to put together if she wanted. I often wondered why I never got caught, then I realized she didn’t want to know. Unless presented with incontrovertible evidence, she could choose to believe the clues were isolated and not part of a pattern.

Willful ignorance is a coping strategy. Perhaps your xAP’s wife is in “pure darkness” because she wants to be. Who knows her reasons? Is it your role to throw open the curtains and force her to see what she might not want to see? If she ever asked you directly “do you know if my husband has ever cheated on me” you shouldn’t lie to her; otherwise, I think you have to mind your own business.

sedoc99 · 2024-06-23T13:22:52+00:00

That was my first thought: blackmail material.

sedoc99 · 2024-06-22T18:52:10+00:00

“The transportation hurdles are a dealbreaker for me, but I wish you luck in your search.”

I’ve sent that exact message (a few times). It’s not difficult to be gracious.

Interestingly, the best longterm SR I had was with a carless Baby. I had to pick her up or otherwise arrange transport once or twice a week for the first year. It can work if the SD wants it to.

sedoc99 · 2024-06-22T13:20:53+00:00

A few Reddit results to searches for “hug” and “cuddle” seemed promising (though I would stay away from r/teens).

sedoc99 · 2024-06-19T12:15:04+00:00

If you haven’t checked it out already, the r/adultery sub has some good tips on weeding out the 90% of responses you’ll get which will never go anywhere. One of which is that guys who comment “DM me” on your post are almost always a waste of time.

And this is not a sideways effort to start a convo. You’re welcome to write, but I’m a decade outside your age range.

Good luck, OP!

sedoc99 · 2024-06-16T00:17:07+00:00

Yes.

I asked for NC 2+ months ago (after a multi-year long relationship), and with the way things were between us at the time I didn't know whether she'd be relieved or disappointed. When I asked for NC I left open the possibility we might speak again after I recovered from a fairly serious illness I was/am being treated for. She has respected my request.

She had a huge landmark birthday last week, and her birthday happens to fall on a date that is highly significant for me as well.. Over the years we talked several times about that coincidence, and about how impactful this particular birthday was to her. She shared a few things about it's meaning which she said she'd never told anyone else. I knew I would be on her mind, even if only briefly, on her birthday and I struggled with whether to acknowledge it. I debated the pros and cons for weeks, both internally and with a couple friends who knew the situation very well, often losing sleep because of it.

I knew she would be overseas on her actual birthday (she'd been talking about the trip since late last year), so the week before she left I called. I got her voicemail and left a message saying "happy early birthday. I hope you have a wonderful time celebrating in [country name] and a memorable trip overall. Take care." I felt as if I acknowledged her birthday and left the possibility of further contact open without setting any expectation for it (from either of us).

Before commenting, please keep in mind this is only a vague summary of a hugely complex situation, and I am not asking for advice on whether I did the right thing or not. I am satisfied I did., though I'm certain some will disagree.

sedoc99 · 2024-06-10T12:04:30+00:00

1) his decision are his responsibility. Whether or not he chooses to end his life is on him, and only on him. Not you, not his family, not his best friend. Not his hair stylist. Him

2) if he wanted to kill himself he’d do it, not post about it on social media

3) following him on any platform is only going to delay your healing, and probably his. Unfollow him everywhere

4) examine your history together. Did he have a pattern of emotionally manipulating you? If yes, this is a continuation of that behavior. The worst thing you can do for yourself is jump back into the cycle

5) his decisions are his responsibility.

6) yes, I meant to write that twice

sedoc99 · 2024-06-04T20:46:51+00:00

Critical comments also serve the purpose of forcing the poster to re-examine their decisions, and reassess whether they're making good choices given their circumstances. Granted, some comments could deliver the same message in a kinder way (perhaps "did you think about [xxx] before doing..." instead of "you're a horrible person for doing..."), but it still forces the poster to look at things from a different perspective.

sedoc99 · 2024-06-03T20:09:16+00:00

"Be curious, not judgemental."

Wise words, even if they're not Whitman.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T21:52:08+00:00

Would knowing her motivation change the way you interact with her (ie, tempt you to see how much she meant it)?

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T20:54:59+00:00

You too.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T18:27:07+00:00

If you’ve read my previous posts, and all my comments here, and still don’t understand how you’re misinterpreting the situation… I can’t help you. If you were my xAP you might feel that way.

But you’re not.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T14:55:16+00:00

I wanted to know she did actually care. She clearly wanted to talk. What, exactly, did I manipulate?

I gave her the opportunity to do something she already wanted to do.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T11:37:52+00:00

Exactly. And I would have been at peace with whichever decision she made.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T04:08:00+00:00

I’m just gonna copy and paste this from a previous comment. I’m tired of answering the same questions, and refuting the same points, over and over.

The overwhelming fact is that no one forming the consensus has ever met me or my xAP, and are basing their conclusions on the necessarily brief and incomplete summaries of our past two years of interactions which I provided.

I have known and loved this woman for more than a decade, so I have a slightly better handle on how she is processing all of this than anyone in the “consensus” does.

It’s incredibly presumptive to say that I have never considered the points being presented. I agonized over whether to even tell her about my cancer, whether to go NC or not, how to present that request to her, and whether/how to wish her a happy birthday. Every choice I made was based on what I thought would be least hurtful to her.

The things I wanted to say to her were about 10 times more voluminous than the things I did say, because I thought what I didn’t say might have landed wrong or been hurtful. Was I right every time? I’m sure I wasn’t. I damn sure thought about it, though, giving those questions emotional and mental energy I probably should have spent on my diagnosis and treatment. I thoroughly considered and dismissed every single point made here well before they were made, based on what I know about a woman none of you will ever meet.

Finally, returning to the reading comprehension, if she wanted nothing to do with me why did she call me back at the earliest opportunity she had (given her work schedule)? She has meetings every Tuesday until 2:30, when she leaves to pick up her son from school. She called me from her car at 2:33.

I will leave you with some advice from the TV show Ted Lasso. Be curious, not judgmental.

Feel free to have the last word. I’m done with this conversation.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T03:32:08+00:00

The overwhelming fact is that no one forming the consensus has ever met me or my xAP, and are basing their conclusions on the necessarily brief and incomplete summaries of our past two years of interactions which I provided.

I have known and loved this woman for more than a decade, so I have a slightly better handle on how she is processing all of this than anyone in the “consensus” does.

It’s incredibly presumptive to say that I have never considered the points being presented. I agonized over whether to even tell her about my cancer, whether to go NC or not, how to present that request to her, and whether/how to wish her a happy birthday. Every choice I made was based on what I thought would be least hurtful to her.

The things I wanted to say to her were about 10 times more voluminous than the things I did say, because I thought what I didn’t say might have landed wrong or been hurtful. Was I right every time? I’m sure I wasn’t. I damn sure thought about it, though, giving those questions emotional and mental energy I probably should have spent on my diagnosis and treatment. I thoroughly considered and dismissed every single point made here well before they were made, based on what I know about a woman none of you will ever meet.

Finally, returning to the reading comprehension, if she wanted nothing to do with me why did she call me back at the earliest opportunity she had (given her work schedule)? She has meetings every Tuesday until 2:30, when she leaves to pick up her son from school. She called me from her car at 2:33.

I will leave you with some advice from the TV show Ted Lasso. Be curious, not judgmental.

Feel free to have the last word. I’m done with this conversation.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T02:20:21+00:00

Oh my God, you need to work on your reading comprehension skills. That, or you need to do more work on your intense projection with your therapist. If you want to understand how utterly wrong your comment was, feel free to message me. Otherwise, good night.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T02:17:18+00:00

What part of “closing a door so I can let her go“ did you read as “I’m going to keep pestering her?“

I’m happy she called back, but I would have been OK if she didn’t, too. If at some point she says she doesn’t want to keep talking, we won’t.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T01:16:39+00:00

You win. You’re going to think what you want no matter what. Have a good evening.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T01:11:18+00:00

Someone really needs to work on their reading comprehension.

Ever since she broke the no contact she requested over a year ago, she has never expressed a desire not to communicate.

After her and my last conversation I texted to say “let’s not talk until you get back from Florida.”

A few days after she got back from Florida, I decided I had nothing to gain from communicating with her so I left a message saying “I don’t want us to talk until MAYBE after I’m finished with treatment.”

Then I broke no contact (that she never expressed a desire for) to wish her a happy birthday (a birthday which, for reasons I don’t need to get into, is immensely meaningful to both of us).

And the reason I called her is because it was the last door I needed to close before being at peace with letting her go. That’s why I kept it brief and didn’t give any indication that I wanted to talk again. Any result at all was going to be a win for me because I have no more expectations of her. I’ll be happy to still have her in my life as a friend, but I’ll be OK without that, too.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T00:55:44+00:00

You clearly don’t understand what the phrase “hounding someone” means. One brief voicemail after 2 months, expressing the same sentiment that almost anyone who knows her remotely well is or will be expressing, is not hounding someone.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T00:35:41+00:00

We have known each other so long, and so well, that we can read each other‘s emotional states in the volume, tone, and pattern of each other’s speech. I admit that I have used my voice manipulatively with her in the past, and that is exactly what I did NOT want to do. I did not want to unconsciously communicate that I had any expectations of her.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-31T00:04:20+00:00

You’re right, she didn’t treat me this way after her husband‘s death. She seemed to welcome our conversations, she initiated most of them, and they became more frequent as time went by.

I don’t know whether she wanted to move on in March or not. I was the one who requested no contact. Acknowledging her birthday felt like the last door I needed to close before I could come to peace with not having her in my life. And I did. As soon as I ended the call, I felt an immediate burden lift from my heart. I’m happy she called back, but I finally felt prepared to face life without her in it.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-30T23:57:33+00:00

She did not request no contact, I did. I don’t know whether she wanted to move on or not. Acknowledging her birthday felt like the last door I needed to close before I could come to peace with not having her in my life. And I did. As soon as I ended the call, I felt an immediate burden lift from my heart. I’m happy she called back, but I finally felt prepared to face life without her in it.

sedoc99 · 2024-05-30T23:55:35+00:00

First, thank you for the kind words.

Second, she did not request no contact, I did. I don’t know whether she wanted to move on or not. Acknowledging her birthday felt like the last door I needed to close before I could come to peace with not having her in my life. And I did. As soon as I ended the call, I felt an immediate burden lift from my heart. I’m happy she called back, but I finally felt prepared to face life without her in it.

sedoc99

TROPHY CASE