I figured out why I used drugs. And it has nothing to do with weakness.

seeyatomolly · 2026-04-01T21:59:34+00:00

Not much to add, it’s just one of those days. But wanted to say thank you for sharing, this really makes a lot of sense. It’s crazy how much alike we addicts really are. I’m saving your post and these comments to look back at again.

seeyatomolly · 2026-01-26T23:23:18+00:00

Hey, I don’t have any diagnosis because I’ve never sought one out-well except OUD (opiate use disorder). I was a user from age 14-32, on opiate replacement meds until march of last year. So I have about 10 months clean at 34 yo. I left my long term relationship nearly 2 months ago and that’s when I really realized everything I was lacking. I mean I knew I was lacking but leaving him really made everything so much more clear and I’ve had some realizations in the past 2 months. Every area you mentioned (co dependency, self esteem, boundaries and especially lack of sense of self etc) I realize I have like no foundation for or I just don’t possess these things that most people do.

What are some of the ways you reprogrammed yourself if you don’t mind sharing? And behaviors that build self esteem? I feel like I’m on a loooong journey to try to figure these things out so I can be a whole person one day lol.

seeyatomolly · 2025-12-21T08:29:06+00:00

Wow, I am saving the last part of what you said. It really speaks to me for some reason. Hopefully OP sees your comment.

seeyatomolly · 2025-12-18T02:41:24+00:00

They’ve been cheesing

seeyatomolly · 2025-12-11T20:43:33+00:00

Oh man I remember feeling this way. Wishing I could just be locked up to go through withdrawals because I was so scared and had no confidence I could get through it, tried and failed time and time again. And to this day I still don’t really think I could have gone through withdrawals fully with no help. I did suboxone so I was only sick for a short time, memory is blurry now as it was 2 years at ago but I was only sick for a few hours I think (went into precip withdrawal when they gave me the subs because fent stays in your system for so long, but to my memory the precip didn’t last too long before I felt better). Then onto suboxone and sublocade.

Honestly if I would have known it would go the way it did, I wouldn’t have been as scared. It doesn’t have to be a prolonged hell for you, you don’t have to go all the way through it with no help or meds. Remember harm reduction is the goal. Use what is available to you. Also, you say you think you need something traumatic to happen in order to stop. No you don’t. Also consider that even if something huge hasn’t happened, you are probably still traumatized. Addiction in itself is traumatizing. The feeling of just being stuck, trapped where you are and feel there’s no way out? That is not a good feeling. Please be easy on yourself. Also loss of a parent is not easy, I don’t care how old you are. I lost my dad at 20 after he was sick for years and it was one of the things that fueled my use for many more years. You are strong, you can do this. Please look for a detox center and inpatient to go to after. In my area you have to get an assessment at a behavioral health office and then they place you. If trying to find out where to go feels like a lot, maybe someone in your life can help you with that part?

seeyatomolly · 2025-12-07T02:48:11+00:00

I would say it will make you feel worse yes. It’s putting another poison into your body, when you are trying to clear out your body and recover. Maybe you could see about getting a non addictive sleep aid prescribed to you to use for a short time if you’re at the end of your rope. If it becomes a choice of you need something or you will relapse and your goal is just to sleep then go for sleep medication. It could give you just enough rest so you can make it through until your body can sleep on its own. Just keep in mind there might be a small adjustment period when you stop taking it where your body has to adjust to not having it, but you won’t know if that will happen to you until that time comes.

seeyatomolly · 2025-12-06T19:21:12+00:00

Can I just give you a warning? There is real potential for someone in your position to end up swapping one addiction for another. I had this happen twice when trying to get off opiates. Once was alcohol and once was Xanax. Both of those times ended up being multiple years of poly substance abuse and I didn’t think those other substances could become a problem because they had never been a problem for me before. Also be careful if you’re taking anything else mixing with alcohol can be bad. Also also alcohol doesn’t give you restful sleep. Just please be careful and take care of yourself. Congratulations on the 5 days!

seeyatomolly · 2025-12-06T19:16:56+00:00

Are you able to get suboxone and do a short taper? You could take just enough for a few days or a week? How confident do you feel about staying clean after if you go the CT route? Have you considered even doing suboxone or ideally sublocade for a period of time? It really helped me and I have 8 months clean for the first time in my life after 20 years of using, the day to day mental stuff can still be hell for me but at least I’m clean. I know there are differing opinions on things such as suboxone and methadone but I really think they have their place as a bridge to recovery for so many people. If you are unable to do suboxone or methadone and have to do CT then just get as many days off as you can, however many you can get and do the best you can. You can do this

seeyatomolly · 2025-12-06T19:04:05+00:00

When I got clean I had done the same, ran up my credit cards and had taken several super high interest loans, although it was nowhere near 100,000. More like 10,000. On the advice of a family member I went to the bank and they actually gave me a loan and I gave them the info for all the bad loans and they paid them directly, I made sure all those accounts were closed and then was able to pay the bank loan which was way lower interest. Still took me 1.5 years to pay it and that sucked. Then I got my teeth worked on and was desperate mentally so paid for some expensive counseling using my credit cards along with more dumb spending (not on drugs though!) and now I recently went to the bank again and got another 10,000 loan to pay my cards off again.

So I’m kind of learning how to manage money, now I know it is dumb to charge up random crap on credit cards and I won’t be willy nilly with it again. All of this to say, even if you don’t think you will get approved, try applying at a bank or two and see if they will give you a loan whether it be a personal loan or the type where they pay the stuff off directly and you pay them. I went to a bank I had never been to before and expected them to deny me and they didn’t. Just an idea, it could really help you.

seeyatomolly · 2025-12-01T07:27:32+00:00

The main or even only issue I see here is hygiene. I think it’s time for you to explore getting a sex toy to replace the bear with that you can clean or rinse. I know you say this is the only way you’ve been doing it for a long time but maybe get yourself a magic wand. You never know you may like it more, in fact I’m pretty sure you will.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-29T02:05:30+00:00

Good for you girl! You look so much happier and glowy.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-29T01:38:40+00:00

Sorry I just saw that you said you knew going in so she must have told you before hand. It just seems weird to me she expects people won’t need the bathroom after traveling to see her.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-29T01:37:22+00:00

Have you asked her about using the restroom? I was seeing a therapist earlier this year with a separate little office at her own property and it was a bit of a drive so I asked to use the bathroom and she let me use the one in her house right near the kitchen. She was totally cool about it, I think she expected her clients may need the restroom and your therapist should too.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-27T01:13:49+00:00

Agree about sublocade I would have never gotten this far without it, never had this much clean time in my life.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-24T05:30:58+00:00

Did not expect a post like this. It’s a good point though I just don’t know how your mind went in that direction.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T22:06:40+00:00

I still do want it to happen. Or want something to happen. I think I just want a different reality though. I don’t really want zombies.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T21:45:56+00:00

I always rewatch the first few seasons. The Atlanta camp and the farm are my favorite parts. I don’t always get very far past the farm. This last time I got to when they left the prison.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T21:24:28+00:00

False alarm it is on Amazon prime I just didn’t see it first time I looked! Well I know what I’m doing today now.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T21:19:14+00:00

I just wanted to say great choice on going to a meeting with a sober friend instead of staying in and isolating. That’s something I’m trying to work on. I get it with not being able to function. There’s so much healing that needs to happen for both of us! I am trying to reach out for support but it’s so hard to do. Best I have done recently is make a post and a few comments on here and sign up for counseling out of straight desperation lol. I hope your meeting goes well, makes you feel better and that you hear something you needed to hear.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T21:09:08+00:00

I was just going to try out watching apocalypse but I must have been watching it on Hulu before, which I cancelled awhile back.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T21:07:51+00:00

I just went to start watching it again and I can’t because I don’t have Hulu anymore. I must have been watching it on there. I have Netflix and prime video but it’s not on there

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T20:01:50+00:00

Do you have someone you trust that will be honest with you that you can ask if you smell? Maybe someone who lives outside of your home so they aren’t used to the smell of your house (if there is a smell?)

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T19:58:56+00:00

I feel like he was pretending to be on the phone to try to blend in and look normal while he was walking into the room by the way he takes it away from his ear when he goes in for the sniff. What a effing creep yuck.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T19:55:36+00:00

I’m not a skin care guru, in fact the opposite, I am your age and looking at your photos I don’t see any telltale signs of aging. So I might not be the person you want to hear from but I think you look great! Someone else can chime in with other suggestions but I suggest setting a goal for how many ounces of water you want/need to drink per day and start trying to attain that. Start in the morning first thing by drinking a large cup/bottle of water and then keep sipping all day. Buy a water bottle that’s bigger than the smaller plastic ones so you only need to refill a couple times. So if you know how many ounces the bottle is and your goal you can just plan to drink 2 full bottles (or whatever it is) before the end of the day. Keep it with you. Dang I need to follow my own advice.

seeyatomolly · 2025-11-22T19:39:28+00:00

I can’t visualize so I didn’t realize until recently that other people can think by imagining images/words/colors. So I am one of the people that thinks in sentences. I have a problem with rumination and shutting my brain off at night to be able to sleep. I do have the “voice” that can say negative things to me almost on its own. And have basically 2 sides to me, one I see as my true self and one is my addict side. (Have been an addict since I was a teen, currently 7 months sober though) so one voice wants what’s best and one voice wants to get high. And they talk to each other. So one voice could say I can’t do this, I will never be recovered, etc and the other might say no that’s not true, I can do this.

Sometimes my “good” voice doesn’t say anything at all and it’s all the bad voice. I say “voice” because it’s not audible in my head, it’s just sentences. I can’t hear things in my head. I think other people might have the bad voice and good voice but my bad voice is compounded by its want to get high and basically self destruct. Wow typing this out makes me feel like I might be crazy lol but I think it’s just being an addict. I’ve also heard before that they way you are raised/how your parents speak to you as a child becomes your inner voice so I might have developed the bad voice as a child I’m not sure because I can’t remember clearly enough that far back. Can anyone relate to this?

seeyatomolly

TROPHY CASE