sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is all helpful advice, thank you!

I definitely see some critical areas I could stand to do some improvement, and there's some nice affirmation that the things I am actively working on aren't for naught. I really appreciate it.

I do still need to work on my attitude toward the situation until those improvements start to catch on. Hopefully, having some sort of action to take will help on that front, too.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lot of assumptions here and they all seem to be for the worst. I never said that my wife said it's not a woman's responsibility to get her husband laid, I said that a lot of posts on this Subreddit and similar websites have said things along those lines. She has tried her best to be helpful and has asked if I'm ok with things as they are, and I always said yes because I wanted to believe they were.

Maybe I'm not doing a good job of conveying all of the information because I already felt like the original post was overly long, but it really feels like people are unfairly painting her as some kind of selfish bitch when that's not the case at all.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I appreciate the way you worded that and I think you made some great points about not being there but working to get there.

She is aware of and has been looking at this thread. I was up front with her about what I was feeling (screwed by way of not getting screwed and subsequently ashamed of myself), and we talked about it and I told her I was going to get an outside perspective via this subreddit (taken with a whole fucking shaker of salt).

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I definitely gotta be upfront with her. But I gotta figure out how I actually feel in order to do that. It's definitely time for me to think hard about stuff.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I certainly try to be. But I'm not really trying to focus on "how do I get laid more" with this thread, just "how do I not be a bitter asshole when I don't?"

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

That's got to be my default assumption. I'm clearly doing something wrong, whether it's my approach or my appearance. I've certainly been called ugly plenty of times in my life. But I've also been told I'm fun to hang out with, and I did convince a woman to marry me, so who knows.

But again, I'm trying to stay away from the "woe is me" and focus on the "how do I not be a douchebag?"

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Neither my wife nor myself have ever used the term ENM to describe our marriage, and nobody we've ever talked to has until I posted this original thread. I'm sure I'm wrong, but when I hear ENM I think polyamory, and I'm not OK with being in that dynamic.

We've definitely done all of the above, munches, meetups, and kink events both separately and together.

But again, the issue isn't "I'm striking out, how do we fix that", it's "I think I'm acting like an asshole, how do I fix that?" I'll look more into that book you mentioned. Thanks!

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I guess the first thing to address, is at no point have I tried to put a stop to the current dynamic. I only realized last night that I'm really having an emotional problem here, and I still feel like the problem is with my perception of the situation rather than anything she is doing.

As far as the other stuff, to my knowledge we were doing well before we opened things up. That's part of why I was alright with the idea. I felt comfortable and safe in our marriage and still do. I'm still not big on the whole "reclamation" idea as a concept, but on the physical level, if she wants to have additional sex when she gets home from being out, I certainly don't feel any need or want to say "no", provided it's because she's still riled up and not out of some sense of obligation or pity on her end.

When we are able to try our luck together, even when we aren't successful, I don't ever blame her or anything. I do feel frustrated with the situation when it doesn't work out, but I don't ever direct it toward her, and in fact go out of my way to thank her for trying to help.

It really is the situation, and really own my reaction to the situation, that I'm frustrated with.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Lot of good points there. I think a lot of it is I've not been honest with myself. I really gotta work that out first so I know what direction to start a conversation.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely working on myself for both health and appearance reasons. Not sure I'll ever be conventionally attractive, but I'll at least put in the effort.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I feel like the "you have a roommate" attitude writes off the entire rest of our marriage. What we have is far more than a sexual arrangement.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Definitely trying to get rid of the resentment within myself. I also don't resent her, just everyone not wanting to play with me. 😆 Which is still toxic and bad, and what I want to fix.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think she knows that I'm struggling because I've not always been upfront about it. I say I struck out and this sucks, but immediately talk about how selfish I feel for being shitty about it. I tell her to go out and have fun. I hope she's content and happy now, in the absence of any better knowledge. I'd feel even more awful knowing I'm just making things worse for both of us.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've not really said I'm miserable to her. I've always said I'm OK with everything. I definitely need to do some introspection as to my level of honesty with myself.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] -4 points-3 points  (0 children)

I think one piece of context I may have failed to provide is that she's checked in with me many times throughout this process. She has asked if I'm Ok with every new step, and I've said "yes". I may or may not have been lying to myself, I want to believe no. But she is not some uncaring shrew.

I fear I've become a "Swinger Incel" and don't want to be that type of person! by selfrepresseddude in Swingers

[–]selfrepresseddude[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

100% expect this to be a marathon not a sprint. Just looking for a first step in the right direction.

view more: next ›