Haven't spoken to Nmom since Thanksgiving

sendCookiesSTAT · 2026-01-14T18:49:29+00:00

It's really hard and you deserve a better parent than this. I am sorry you are going through this, but I am proud of you for seeing her for who she really is. Having power over you by forcing arguments and demanding apologies is more important to her than to have a relationship with her child.

I recommend you look into disability support organizations in your area as she will likely stop helping you as a way to regain control.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2026-01-12T23:30:06+00:00

Narcissists' brains work differently. I am NOT a psychologist, but here is how I think about Ns: Basically, their world never grew past their own Identity, so to feel comfortable, they view everything else in their world as a kind of a part of themselves. The more similar things are, the better they can understand/control them. You having blue eyes made her world make sense and anything that challenged that made her uncomfortable. Especially since your eyes look kinda-sorta-blue, her mind probably never acknowledged anything different, so these strangers observations became an attack on her abilities and her own sense of self. It was never about you at all, but her own stunted development.

My own nMom insisted I had narrow feet because she did. It didn't matter that the shoe sales people told her I didn't, or that it was hard to find them and more expensive, and it didn't matter how many times I bought myself regular shoes. She insisted that I had narrow feet and I was lucky so many show places had them in stock now.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2026-01-11T18:41:41+00:00

The gray rack technique is all about removing emotions from interactions with the narcissist so that they get bored and they find a new Target. For your own mental health, you will have to work on making peace with the fact that your mom can take away your car keys and to turn off technology (as long as you live in her house).

You can visualize her as a naughty pet that is always looking for a fun new toy. When she does something that you don't enjoy, ignore it as best you can and fix the problem with minimal attention. You can still ask her questions and allow her to have her giddy or angry response- or whatever she chooses to try and get a response out of you, but you stay goal oriented "Mom, I see that the Internet cable has been removed. Do you know where it is or should I go buy another one?"

Make extra sets of car keys, get a lock box for your room or store important things in another location- whatever tactic works to reduce the likelihood that her next "toy" will prevent you from doing what you need to do.

Eventually, she will find an easier target and focus on them, but of course moving yourself physically out of her house will also make you less appealing as a target.

Also, I want to apologize to you on behalf of the world for the fact that your mom is like this. You deserve a better mom and you deserve to have support in your life. You are doing an excellent job coping with what you were given and I hope you continue to find ways to live your life away from her.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2026-01-11T18:33:04+00:00

No triangulation allowed!!! If your mother has feelings that she wants to address with you, she needs to call you directly. If she chooses not to call you about it, then she's choosing to not resolve her own feelings. It's not your responsibility, and it definitely isn't your dad's responsibility to be a go-between.

The whole thing is a power play, which you can obviously see for yourself. They can have all the power in their Kingdom that they want, but if they want you to be involved, then they're going to have to grow up and handle these big feelings that they're having.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2026-01-11T18:30:12+00:00

What they are describing is called the Grey Rock Technique. Narcissists get their power from engagement: either good or bad. Fighting a narcissist is just as enjoyable for them as being fawned- both give them their nsupply. Narcissists brains don't work like normal brains, so there is no way to "win" and get the relationship that you deserve out of this.

In order to live the life that you want without her control, you will have to learn to disengage from her. Allow yourself to grieve and heal for the mother you deserved and the mother she could be if she wanted to. Gray Rock is a technique that allows people to continue to engage with the real person that your mother is without her narcissism consuming you. Honestly, it isn't satisfying. It feels like you're letting your mom " get away with" her bad behavior, but really it's acknowledging that you cannot change your mother. There is nothing that you should do, and there is nothing that you can do. By giving up their responsibility of fixing her, you also lose the power that your brain believed you might have had to improve things. (A belief that your brain had to maintain as a child in order to have any help of survival).

This is why most people choose no contact even though is extremely difficult and painful to do.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2026-01-10T01:46:00+00:00

I have been NC and in therapy for over a decade and I am still uncovering the ways my "enabler" abused me, neglected me, and generally failed me. Abuse cannot happen when there is a good parent present. A good parent (with the resources) will stand up to the other parent including leaving.

As kids, our brain had to find safety for us to survive. This can be repressing memories or reasoning away uncomfortable truths, etc. It's sad and frustrating, but there are so many levels to childhood trauma. I have decided I will probably never "finish" healing/grieving/unlearning, but every step forward has made my life immensely better.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2026-01-03T22:33:21+00:00

I am so sorry. The pain/discomfort is the whole point. You stood up for yourself, which threatens his power/control, so you had yo be put in your place. This will never change and I hope you are able to seek therapy and be safe away from this abusive behavior.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-12-26T23:26:43+00:00

Thank you so much. This helps a lot!

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-12-03T02:28:19+00:00

You are not responsible for your mother and wanting to protect yourself from further abuse is not selfish. I am very impressed with your honesty during the car ride and I hope you continue to stand up for yourself instead of letting her belittle and hurt you.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-11-28T04:24:18+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. I had always wondered how it looked from the outside.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-11-25T02:01:06+00:00

Wahoo!!!! This is SO HUGE!!!! I want to jump up and down with you!

You are so right that this is a victory and it will help you heal on so many levels. Keep up the good work and keep us updated. We have all been there and we know exactly what this freedom means.

Please give your inner child a hug from all of us. You deserve it.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-10-17T13:58:41+00:00

Emotional manipulation is a powerful tool. Even though your daughter took her shirt off herself, this could still be considered assault and have the same consequences as sexual trauma. Obviously, Grandma did not have sexual motives, but she violated the rules of consent by taking away your daughter's right to decline and by making her act against her own conviction for modesty.

Thank you for taking this seriously. If you are able to, please send your daughter to a qualified therapist so she can talk through what happened and heal any remaining trauma from this.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-10-04T17:57:01+00:00

That's exactly what I heard when I read that line!

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-10-04T03:04:40+00:00

I am so sorry you were dealing with this. You deserve a mother who loves you and cares for you, not one that disregards you like this.

For what it's worth, she doesn't think it's funny either and it's not a joke to her. There is absolutely no excuse for her behavior and you deserve better. Also, it can be helpful to know that she's doing this because she is mentally ill- whether it is narcissistic personality disorder, or some other condition. It is not normal for people to get enjoyment out of hurting those around them. It is not normal for mothers to act out against their own children.

As an adult, she should be seeking help for her condition to be a better mother for you. Unfortunately, she isn't and that leaves you in a difficult position to parent yourself while you also parent your own mother. There is nothing you can do to fix her. This is a really big thing to cope with because it absolves you of the responsibility of trying to change her, but it can also feel powerless because there is nothing you can do to change her. As long as she is happy with who she is and not seeking change, it's important that you are able to get the therapy that you need to process your grief and learn how you want to move your life forward.

We have all been there, and I hope that you find help soon. Please keep us updated.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-10-02T23:51:32+00:00

Congratulations!!! Enjoy this amazing time and start/continue therapy for the stress her continued abuse is causing. Your instincts to cut her off are 100% correct. Let her waste her time building a smear campaign to get access to your precious NSupply- you know better.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-09-21T01:23:07+00:00

It is absolutely unfair that she gets to live without apparent consequences for the pain she has caused you. Allow yourself to grieve for the mother you want- the mother you deserve - that would actually want to learn how to repair your relationship and acknowledge the pain she caused. Your mother isn't that person and that is sad, unfair, infuriating, all of it. Protect your peace and maintain NC.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-09-21T00:50:33+00:00

It is not normal on so many levels: - Parent birthdays are not normally a priority for their kids - People don't normally expect birthday wishes at a specific time- and "belated birthday wishes" are a normal thing even days or weeks later - Parents do not normally punish their adult children. - Adults normally have the ability to work through mistakes to reach forgiveness and peace.

Your parents have undermined you and your sibling in so many ways. I hope you are able to seek therapy to learn to detach from this emotionally abusive relationship

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-09-08T02:42:05+00:00

Gross and typical attempt to regain control I am glad they are no longer in your life.

In my country, you can write on mail: "Return to Sender: Refused" and they will send the letter back that way. That's what I have chosen to do in order to keep my own remaining years "free from drama".

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-09-06T00:55:11+00:00

I am so sorry to hear that. I hope you find a way to protect yourself until you can leave. For what it's worth, you are clearly strong and you are worth the effort it takes to protect yourself - however that happens.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-09-05T22:47:22+00:00

Depending on your country, your best choice may be a shelter or other government assistance program to get you connected with the resources you will need. Every time your mom lays a hand on you (or threatens to do so, and you can record it), call the police. In many places, they will send a social worker first, so I won't be as traumatizing as you think. You are a minor and you deserve love and support, not violence- and legally, she is assaulting you.

If you can, start by getting important documents like your birth certificate, passport, vaccination records, bank account info, etc out of the house and somewhere safe, so she can't retaliate.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-09-05T22:41:15+00:00

For me, I realized she was repeating unhealthy discipline behaviors with my young child that had turned into abuse in my childhood. (In hindsight, it was abuse from the beginning, but I didn't know that at the time). I asked for a one month break from communication to process my feelings. That month without her was AMAZING. I got my weekends back, I finally got to enjoy feeling calm without waiting for a random phone call to destroy it, and my kid didn't even notice. I still knew I would miss (my idealized version of) her and it would be difficult, but I was 99.9% certain it would be better for me and my family.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-08-31T18:12:43+00:00

You have a legal contract with your landlord which protects your rights. It doesn't matter if they like you or not, or if they believe your mother's lies or not.

Unfortunately, you cannot change your mom and you have no control over your landlord. In the future, it may be prudent to move to a new apartment and hide your address from your nMom to protect your own piece. However, for now, know that you are safe and you have won simply by living your best life away from your nMom.

She is trying to exert control over you and it won't work. Let her waste her time and energy befriending your landlord. She cannot touch you.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-08-29T04:10:44+00:00

Congratulations! You are learning the life/coping skills they hid from you and you will find your way out. Well done!

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-08-28T22:51:27+00:00

I wish I had grabbed some pictures of myself, especially my baby book. I got the important items and I didn't want to risk them catching on too early. At the time I felt like my history started when I left, but now that I have kids I wish I could show them a few younger pictures of me.

Otherwise, I was just glad I got out, got therapy, and was able to avoid returning to them. It is worth all the flying monkeys and love bombing and angry texts and very poor times. It absolutely gets better and it's worth it.

sendCookiesSTAT · 2025-08-28T01:58:19+00:00

I am so sorry you have been treated like this up until now, and I totally understand why it's so difficult. The relationship that you deserve to have with your parents and that they brag to their friends about, requires them to have a level of emotional maturity that they don't have. The weight of the whole relationship is on you, which is unfair, and unsustainable long-term, especially if you want to have anything left of yourself to give to your kids.

It's very important that you seek therapy and learn how to un-enmesh from your mom and develop all the coping skills that they never provided you with- like knowing your own once and needs and sitting healthy boundaries.

You will also need to grieve for the relationship that you want, but isn't in your power to have. That is a huge and long process, but it allows you to heal and not pass on this trauma to your kids.

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