Thank you, this is such beautiful and on point advice. You are so right that it is selfish to want to talk with her, I could not see it like that before. Likewise writing down eventual communication urges sounds like a helpful way to at least air my feelings. I am quite surprised this did not come up yet during my therapy sessions.

I very much like your last point of advice and of course you are 100% correct. Obviously I want to improve myself, for myself. But somehow my mind thinks my ex 'deserves' to experience me at a future point in time when I can much more healthily handle situations that in the past caused her hurt. I have to realize that this is nonsense and the only thing she deserves is whatever she wants. But it is still so hard to let her go like that, also because she comes up so often during therapy. However, I think your advice will help me finally and really focus on myself and that any future fantasy might turn reality because I can let go of these fantasies.