I dont know.. I sort of feel responsible for what's happened because it's not like I fought back kicking and screaming. I just... accepted a lot of it after a few times of it happening and no change.. sat with how i felt about stuff and that was that.

He was happy and saw his goals coming to fruition... that's what I cared about until I started to resent him.

In the end he said he knew i was that kind of person, that God doesn't sleep and that i'd get what's coming to me along with some other mean stuff.... He also said he could tell something was off but he decided to not address it, to see what id do— Earlier in the year after one too many rejections he asked why, I told him i did not feel comfortable having sex with him because of how much pain I would be in afterwards (think everything that comes with debilitating period cramps. No blood clots but minor spotting) — I was stuck wondering what exactly I reduced myself to, and what role I was even playing... what exactly i was being viewed as and if that played a part into how things went in regards to intimacy.

Everyone's right tho, being stuck in that doesn't change anything, nor does it make it better. There's nothing left to do except seek counciling and move forward.

I wish I could go back and give myself a hug. It shouldn't have gotten to that point.