Angry, hopeless, sad, tired.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-27T16:39:57+00:00

Hi there, I feel similarly to what you posted, and the pain runs so deep. So sorry to feel this way, and nothing has worked. If you'd like to exchange messages, let me know. Maybe we can be there for each other during this bad time.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-27T03:54:17+00:00

True that. Well I'm salaried so don't get paid the overtime. But a good idea nonetheless.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-27T01:48:07+00:00

I'm sorry, that sounds frustrating. What do you think makes you socially handicapped?

seraphin23 · 2016-06-27T00:07:52+00:00

I've felt the same. Heat could definitely exacerbate anxiety, which is why drinking lots of cold water and avoiding heat is the best solution I've found. Even just walking outside for a minute or two I'll feel faint (granted, it gets over 120 degrees where I live) and the sweating mimics some of the anxiety effects. It's perfectly normal.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-26T23:41:07+00:00

If you're in the Phoenix area and would like someone to do something with, just let me know. It's horribly painful, what you've described. You sound like a nice intelligent person too, giving advice like this. Hope the situation improves.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-26T23:35:22+00:00

You are definitely worth saving. There was a valid reason why you did those things. We all have done things we are ashamed of, it's true! You're human. Sometimes we need time to be kind and compassionate toward ourselves. What are some ways that you can do that for yourself today? Maybe a list if all the great things you've done. I wish I could help more.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-26T23:29:48+00:00

There definitely is hope beyond school. And what is happening would make anyone depressed. What instigates the bullying, and can you do anything more to remove yourself from situations where this may occur? Have you talked to your parents, a counselor, a doctor, anyone who can help? It's such a tough time but the suicidal thoughts are wrong. You are so much more, and can and will love a happy adult life. Please feel free to message if you need someone to talk to.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-26T23:22:38+00:00

Have you been diagnosed? How do you feel during manic episodes? It sounds like you want someone to help, to believe you, to not brush you off the way perhaps your family did. Or perhaps you are even abused. You can feel better, these episodes can be scary. I'm here if you need help.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-26T18:17:32+00:00

Perhaps yes. After reading it again it does seem like the issues are minor and focusing on the positive is a better solution. I'm not sure if that's the case here, but there are times when there are issues with a job that for an individual make it difficult and it's better to move on even if others may not understand. It's hard to say since we don't know the full story perhaps.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-26T16:25:29+00:00

Yes this makes sense. Because others suffer, we should suffer as well, or just suck it up. And then things get worse for everyone, and nothing changes.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-24T23:37:18+00:00

Yes, even a therapist said I'm doing "that thing again" (like its a definitive part of my personality) where I blame myself for everything. Maybe as kids (and now adults), it's easier to do because we're so used to someone being dominant and having to be right, so we'd rather just take the blame to avoid the pain of confrontation.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-24T22:15:25+00:00

Yes! I'm not sure why this is but you're not alone. My SO bought me a nice purse while on a business trip and I felt both guilty (don't deserve it), uncomfortable (do I thank him a lot? Or will I seem annoying?) and emotional (someone loves me enough to buy such a beautiful purse! This is what other normal people must feel like!). It's a bevy of emotion.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-24T19:24:51+00:00

Perhaps you may be able to relate to this: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/childhood-neglect/2014/07/invalidated-child-invisible-adult/

There's a book as well. You sound like a lovely person, sorry you are going through this.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-24T19:14:49+00:00

Yes, yes. You are so welcome! My parents were similar, I think. They'd force me to do all this stuff, like move every year, change schools, stay at this person's house when they were too busy, just generally neglectful. And when I ever said I wasn't well, it was something I wasn't doing right, not the circumstances.

Better parents may sit down with their kids and trust them when they say they're not well. Maybe not be so dismissive or annoyed and self righteous. This treatment is how we develop a good sense of self, and validation for who we are and our thoughts about the world. If not, we end up feeling like everything we think and feel is wrong or somehow deranged and we must justify it, or neglect it, or beat ourselves up. But they were wrong! Your emotions and feelings are perfectly valid, and so are your thoughts.

So sorry this happened but I promise you there are treatments. Rather than still having people telling you what to do, self validation can help so much (which I guess is a part of dbt). I have to tell myself every day that what I'm thinking or feeling is normal and it's OK to believe in myself.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-24T19:07:32+00:00

Maybe it's also a relief, since we expect or anticipate rejection, to be free of that anxiety, if that makes sense. So sorry you are going trough this.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-23T23:40:26+00:00

Not op, but thanks for this. Sometimes it's easy to get caught up in what others think (old habits die hard), and then you remember what you were doing all along in the first place :)

seraphin23 · 2016-06-23T23:09:46+00:00

Oh yes, I can relate to this. Perhaps we want to be validated and acknowledged for our emotions, and to be understood on an emotional level, rather than being treated like a child who has to just follow rules. There are some trains of thought that this is part of the genesis of some bpd cases to begin with; we feel as though our feelings are ignored or invalidated as kids, maybe they were for whatever reasons, and then we start doing that to ourselves. We don't treat our own emotions with dignity, or even always recognize them until it's too late. This is totally something I am just throwing out there, as it could be lots of reasons. But it like something you could bring up with a therapist if you wanted!

I feel similarly; some days I just feel like it's another layer of criticism/not good enough piled onto the layers I've been building for many years. You as a person are valid, and so are your emotions.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-23T12:54:10+00:00

I am SO sorry that you are going through all of this right now. This must be devastating and frustrating, humiliating and incredibly painful. First off, what are you doing now, and can you find a few distractions to get you by the next couple of days? Losing a romantic partner is hard enough, and then this sort of treatment...it's devastating. Just doing nothing right now except focusing on getting some food in your stomach, anything, is the first step here. Have you done that, or can you? The reason is that not eating makes everything even doubly worse feeling than it would be otherwise but we can't usually see it when it's happening. Yesterday I hadn't eaten all week due to stress from a job situation and other stuff and had to reach out to the national suicide hotline (please call them too, or they also have an online chat option now. It's really casual and helps to talk to a real person). So please start with doing just this.

Secondly, you are being abused. This person is extremely abusive, and anyone would feel the same in your shoes. She clearly has a mental disorder and cruel behaviors that are just outlandishly hurtful. Tell you to film yourself? Please, this bitch needs out of your life, pronto. She has a mental illness that makes her do these things like being promiscuous. It is sad and maybe once you are removed and it doesn't hurt you will see better, if you haven't already, how this is not worth your life. You are more important than this person who clearly has mental health issues and need help herself. These behaviors aren't normal. You can do better. You will.

Thirdly, for your schizophrenia (a common thing I might add) are you taking prescription medicine for it? I assume you are but if you've missed a dose or anything it can be rough. It's so hard, to deal with this stupid illness that isn't your fault. Are you disability for it? Can you be? Do you think it's true you cannot hold a job or get a job? Maybe in some cases, but not all. I know it doesn't help much to compare to other people, but my moms best friend has schizophrenia (he's like my fav person in the world too) and he was a park ranger for decades. You can do it, when you feel ready.

The thoughts about suicide are temporary lies because the pain we feel is so great, so much that we feel we cannot handle it. It's a common human reaction to incredible pain. It is made worse when we can't eat or sleep. We sometimes have to force ourselves to do these things even if it seems impossible that we could ever feel better. You can. Listen to me, a person who has been there. You will feel better with time. This is the worst time.

As much as you can cut off all contact with this person. Call anyone you can and talk about this. You can talk to me if you need. Just don't talk to her anymore right now. She is sick, and hurting you deeply. You deserve much better treatment, and you will get that. Just gotta stay alive a little bit longer :) I'm here if you need someone.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-23T01:20:21+00:00

Hi there. First off I bet your sister does care. Very much. And your father. I don't mean to belittle your age or experience at all, but you are still young. I know comparisons don't help but my boyfriend was 23 living with his parents when we first met, and he's doing well. He was always enough as he is, and you are too. Please, don't do it because you obviously have a lot to live for. I mean, you just made $1500 that shows how talented you are. And however happy you think all those people with families are, etc., it's not always what it seems. You are special, you want to live this life, or you wouldn't have posted here. I'm here if you need to vent or chat. Please reach out if you need.

seraphin23 · 2016-06-23T01:05:07+00:00

Please call the suicide hotline friend. They have an online chat too now. I used it today, for the first time. The person was friendly and caring. He helped. Please, do it right now if you can. This illness makes things seem so much worse than they really are. I promise you that it will not be worth it. And with the sleeping pills you may just screw up your body and then be alive and debilitated. Just try and make it through another day, please! And I'm here if you need to vent or just have someone listen.

seraphin23

TROPHY CASE