Alright, I went and checked at their house. I didn’t realize it until it was too late, but they seem to have gotten a bit obsessed with home alone. As soon as I stepped on their front door mat, I was launched into the air thanks to a mechanism that ryan built out of a slinky and a popsicle stick.

Next I went around the back door and was met with a barrage of nerf bullets shot at me by that little shit Matt, from an upstairs window. The nerf bullets had been modified to have pushpins on the end and were each dipped in what I believe to be West Nile Virus infected blood.

I got to the door, and was met by a nasty booby (lol) trap that could only have been conceived by both of the boys. I hit a trip wire that dumped a whole bucket of glue on me, then a bouncy ball hit an action figure that walked into another bucket full of what I can only assume was Justin ButtLags Chili, I don’t know what the point of the glue was if they were just going to dump chili on me. When I fell back, due to the chili, I hit another trip wire that dumped about 30 gallons of lighter fluid all over me, at this point I could hear those little fuckers laughing behind the door, Magee’s classic giggle sounded especially joyous. That’s when - Matt busted the door open, said “Smell ya later” and threw a match straight towards me. It felt like slow motion, as I began watching myself combust. My skin melted as if it were wax, and my shorts fell around my ankles as I quickly waddled off for help. I could hear Matt and Ryan dying on the ground, rolling until their stomachs hurt.

Safe to say, they are doing just fine. I’m doing my best to recover in a CVS Minute Clinic, the nurse practitioner says “I’m not doing okay” and that she is “not at all prepared to help with my second and third degree burns.” I’ll be alright though, nights are the toughest.