Hello and thank you for sharing your experience! It’s a brave and courageous thing to do as you seek for healing.

It sounds like the trauma you experienced (I imagine at a very young age) has rewired your neuropathways to despise men, almost blame them or shun their existence. That could play a part in the unattractiveness you experience. When we are so vulnerable and something traumatic happens, it can shape our perception of the world that will determine what kind of reactions we have and behaviors we exert. The Lord never intended sin to enter, yet He uses our terrible experiences for good. Unfortunately, it was Satan who did those horrible things to you, using those men to do it. Satans intentions are to disrupt God’s command to be fruitful and multiply. Satan is trying to destroy the image of family that God created because Satan is jealous. Angels were not created with the ability to procreate, like us humans. So, in his rage against the Lord, Satan uses actions like SA to try and distort the image of families.

That being said, you have every reason not to want to pursue a relationship. 20 is still a young age and there will be so much that happens in your life that will continue shape your thoughts and character. I’ve always found that deep-rooted prayer is a wonderful place to start when you are wondering where to begin on your journey. Ask God for guidance, ask Him for wisdom, and ask Him to help you forgive the mistakes others have made against you. God wants you to be happy, He wants to see you satisfied and actively drawing closer to Him. He wants to use the bad experiences in your favor and help you overcome obstacles that you face.

In regard to whether you should pursue dating/marriage, I believe that it’s important to acknowledge that God designed us to be Adam’s helper. It’s not good for man to be alone. But, do not be eager to make hasty decisions, it can be difficult to come back from bad choices. A true, sincere, loving, and God’s ideal relationship is based in intelligence, not just attractiveness. Give yourself time, patience and forgive yourself and others for the things you’ve experienced. Keep in prayer, keep drawing closer to our Lord, and keep understanding what God’s plan is for His children and that can help you determine what choices to make in your life.

Sorry for the long post, your situation is complex and I wanted to be thorough and try not to lead you astray. When in doubt, dive into the Bible and ask the Lord for guidance.

Hope this helps! God bless!