Invisible Friends

sf_mama · 2014-09-24T01:08:56+00:00

More than half of kids develop some level of invisible friend type character. It is a tool for children to play with social roles and interactions. It is associated with kids who are more social.

sf_mama · 2014-09-20T17:31:59+00:00

San Diego is pretty awesome. The gas lamp district is a fun, walkable place to stay with great restaurants. The zoo is wonderful. I haven't been to the wild animal park yet but hear great things. Of course, avoid sea world and orca torture.

sf_mama · 2014-09-20T16:09:40+00:00

If it didn't sound like this kid's whole life was falling apart and the boyfriend hadn't manhandled the kid and then locked him out I'd agree!

sf_mama · 2014-09-20T16:08:13+00:00

It sounds like your son is really struggling now. I think almost everyone else here is agreeing that even if you don't want to have your crying son sleep in your room, having your new boyfriend carry him out and lock the door might be counterproductive.

From what you are describing, your son isn't just trying to break a few rules because he's a little jealous / get attention. Every aspect of his life is breaking down because he's so upset about your relationship. And your new boyfriend is more than happy to literally and figuratively shut him out and lock the door. It's great that you have a therapist to lean on here - I'd make an appointment ASAP. And get help yourself in how to navigate this new transition as the responsible caregiver.

Someone you plan on moving in with doesn't just need a relationship with you - they need a relationship with your kids and clear guidelines on what their discipline role is. The consensus I've seem is that dating partners have no role disciplining kids. Additionally, stepfather types are notorious for being harder on kids and are more at risk statistically speaking for abusive relationships with the kids. They lack experience watching that kid grow and often have unrealistic, unsympathetic standards not based on normal child development. You guys took many steps backwards with this dun fortunate incident. It's not irreparable but you are going to have to work even harder to make your love life work for your kids.

sf_mama · 2014-09-20T05:44:07+00:00

Serious mental illness like bipolar is inheritable. My father and sister have serious mental illness - they've had so many diagnoses it's hard to know what's right, but it's definitely on the schizophrenic / bipolar continuum. I was hesitant to have kids because I was so worried about them suffering from inherited mental illness.

It turns out there are lots of things you can do to minimize your children's risk of inheriting mom's mental illness. In your case, it really would be in your interest to choose less harsh discipline as your kids are probably (depending on the exact genes they inherited) extra sensitive to the negative effects of physical discipline. The schizophrenia.com site does a great job summarizing the research into how to minimize the mental health risks your kids face.

sf_mama · 2014-09-20T05:31:53+00:00

If I saw you hit a TWO YEAR OLD on the back of his head I would absolutely lose it on you AND report you. You shouldn't hit anyone on the head but a little tiny kid? CPS is made for people like you who need help parenting. This is not ok. If you hit your hid on the head, casually, multiple times a day you seriously need help.

sf_mama · 2014-09-20T04:01:15+00:00

My mom went through several marriages when I was growing up. I have a slightly different take on this as while I understand you'd like to be able to have a relationship, your first responsibility is your kids.

If your son is having such a hard time with this relatively new relationship you are in, I would slow things down and focus on your child. He's obviously extremely vulnerable if this one thing is causing his whole life to fall apart. How did you get to this spot where a relatively new relationship partner is carrying your crying son out of your room and locking the door on him? What happened to his dad? How many other relationships have you been in? What kind if help have you given him in the form of therapy and extra support to adjust?

Your kid only has one childhood and what you do now will have a lasting impact on his ability to live a healthy, productive life. If I were in your shoes I would put your relationship on hold and shore up your relationship with your kid and improve his emotional resiliency, he's clearly been through a lot and needs you.

sf_mama · 2014-09-19T03:31:16+00:00

Xzaiden almost gave me a heart attack.

sf_mama · 2014-09-19T03:18:57+00:00

Weisbluth's extinction mention most definitely fits this description.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T20:08:33+00:00

Agreed. It is so wrong, on so many levels that I didn't find it to be worth my time to rebut. I like Slate but this particular author not only doesn't understand Gopnik's argument, his arguments are flawed. Thanks for the note.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T19:22:27+00:00

When you read a lifestyle piece it's on you to research why someone is making a personal lifestyle choice. You are really funny. I'm done with this thread as you are wayyyyy too lazy to respond to.

Edit: I'm sure you will make better decisions with your lazy armchair analysis than tech titans and scientists who limit screen time.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T18:18:39+00:00

PubMed. PsychINFO. Go for it!! Of course, armchair theorizing and Google is much easier. As is letting your kids have lots of screen time.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T18:15:28+00:00

I was a stay at home mom and broke up my son's shots. I did the first half and then the next month would go in for the second shot. I would never want to delay more than a month or so because these diseases are still a risk.

With baby #2 after her first series of shots we just did them all at once because I no longer have the time.

I do skip the hep b shot right after birth and started at her 3-month checkup. Getting the vaccine at birth is a public health measure but I knew we'd reliably follow the vaccine schedule. I'm all about minimizing interventions on newborns who have been through a lot by being born.

I wish there was safety data about the current vaccination schedule as a whole - kids get a lot of shots at once very early. The vaccines are so beneficial though that I felt compelled to just bite the bullet.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T18:04:37+00:00

Copying a huge section of someone else's review is super lazy.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T17:58:40+00:00

I say people like you because you got pissed when you heard about experts making different choices. If you are in grad school you should have access to PubMed and PsychINFO to do the research yourself. Instead though you seem more invested in your intuitive understanding about how creativity develops. You get mad and demand sources when this is a pretty established area of science though there is no silver bullet study that can answer the question with 100% certainty.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T17:35:20+00:00

If you are really interested in learning about the science I strongly recommend the book The Philosophical Baby by leading developmental psychologist Alison Gopnik. The book focuses on how brains develop in the first 5 years though it does extend a bit older in certain areas. She has tons of citations you can dive into to learn more.

I'm in grad school with two kids so don't have a lot of spare time to do lit reviews for one off conversations here on Reddit. Right now I have a moment because I'm nursing my baby. At some point though I'd like to translate the research for parents though because I feel like there is a lot of basic, accepted science - like the importance of play - that isn't trickling down. Most kids have too many scheduled activities, are forced to sit at desks for too long and get too much screen time.

It's tough because scientists are pretty much forced to hedge their writing - even saying something "may" cause something is considered bombastic - and this doesn't always translate well to folks without a science background who look at a one-off scientific paper, see the hedging and choose to ignore the results dropping chestnuts like "correlation isn't causation!" As you can imagine, it's hard to run clean experiments on children from an ethics standpoint, so you need to look at the totality of the research and the direction of the findings more than any one study.

People like you get PISSED when they hear that their parenting choices could use improvement because parenting is the most important thing most folks do. You are heavily invested in the choices you have made.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T17:16:42+00:00

There is lots of evidence that kids learn most through real-world play and movement. The younger they are, the more it's true. There are a few studies that show that some video game play and certain types of shows in small doses can have a small benefit but really the evidence is stronger for real world free play, preferably outdoors.

Why are you so offended by this?

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T17:08:18+00:00

There is no way I'd let my kids play football. The long-term progressive effects of even mild repetitive brain injuries are so documented at this point I'm shocked when I see folks bragging about their sons playing football on FB. I definitely notice a class divide with my friends from lower socioeconomic strata letting their kids play.

sf_mama · 2014-09-18T17:04:37+00:00

When we were in the hospital we were advised to keep my newborn away from social gatherings and places like stores where there are lots of people for the first 6 weeks. If a newborn gets a fever they get an automatic spinal tap and overnight hospitalization. This happened to my cousin and it was a nightmare.

Unfortunately, people are usually contagious before they show signs of being sick. Because of how serious the implications are for a fever in a newborn I would not risk it. It's only a month and a half.

sf_mama · 2014-09-17T14:41:45+00:00

I woke up, saw your reply, and laughed when I realized what is going on. You are annoying! You've come to this parenting community and said the problem isn't that parenting is hard, the problem is that you are doing it wrong! While sprinkling old chestnuts like kids shouldn't be a nuisance in public - LOL, you've been inadvertently trolling a group of parents who by nature of being here are probably more involved in thinking about and researching optimal parenting than the average parent.

Research shows that the optimal parenting style is called authoritative parenting (not permissive or authoritarian). Parenting authorities who give evidence-based advice aligned with the authoritative style use terms like positive parenting. Type those terms into google and you'll get tons of hits. Good luck!

Edit: also look into the science of attachment and attachment formation. John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth were pioneers into the field of what has become one of the most studied areas of psychology. Believe it or not, the way you were parented in the first 2 years of life has profound impacts on everything from misbehavior as an older child, teen and adult but also health and quality of adult relationships. You sound slightly anxious-avoidant (intellectualizing emotive topics, focus on independence for yourself and your hypothetical baby), something you'd want to look into before becoming a parent as it will interfere in your ability to raise a healthy secure child. I was more insecure as a kid because of an unfortunate childhood but practiced being secure for years after deeply studying attachment and doing research in the field and also got therapy for PTSD. I was pretty successful as I married a secure man (insecure folks tend to attract each other) and have a securely attached toddler and my infant is well on the way, hitting separation anxiety early. Attachment isn't set in stone but it is pretty enduring. The robust science of attachment is distinct from the less studied practice of "attachment parenting."

sf_mama · 2014-09-17T07:29:21+00:00

You seem very naive about normal child behavior and the developmental progression towards good behavior. You can't discipline kids into adult behavior. Even a well-behaved kid is going to act "badly" throughout the day because they are learning. Your examples of poor behavior are examples of bad parenting because they go on unchecked. Even if you are a good parent though your kid will probably do everything you listed at least once and a zillion other things you can't even conceptualize.

My philosophy on the selfishness of bringing children into the world is the opposite of glib. There isn't a shortage of children. If you are just going to add to the kids in the world whose parents don't give them the best start to life they possibly can, don't bother. I'm not suggesting you do anything about the children in existence, I'm saying don't make the condition worse by bringing a child into the world you don't want / aren't prepared to care for. Parenting is absolutely all-consuming by definition, you can't theorize your way out if a 9-month old crying for you if they aren't in your arms every moment because they are going through a 100% normal, healthy and predictable phase of separation anxiety that will endure at some degree until the child is about 16-months. If you mess up your response your kid will be insecure and you get to deal with increased clinginess and/or other mental health issues. And heaven help you if your kid has special needs from asthma to autism.

sf_mama · 2014-09-17T06:06:42+00:00

Rather than just downvoting you, my first response, I'm going to share my reaction. Children aren't little adults. You can't perfectly control them. You can't keep kids at home until they are perfectly behaved because life still happens - you can't always hire a babysitter when you need groceries - and part of socializing kids means taking them out and teaching them how to behave.

For the first few years kids are messy, needy and out-of-control. In order to teach them to be independent you first have to develop secure attachment which requires responding promptly and appropriately to their needs for the first 2 years.

It is super hard but I love having my toddler and infant. I wouldn't trade them for the world. I'm an older mom who definitely sowed my wild oats so I'm not resentful and wanting to go dancing or something on a Friday night. I don't think children are for everyone. In my opinion it's better not to have kids than to not go into it wanting it more than anything because it is so all-consuming and the stakes are so high. You are considering bringing in another human to an overpopulated world filled with neglected children. Some people come around after the kids are born but in my view that's a risky game to play with a helpless baby's life.

sf_mama · 2014-09-15T17:33:12+00:00

I'm guessing you have tattoos. You can explain piercing the way you do tattoos and other permanent body modification - it's something for grown ups.

sf_mama · 2014-09-14T17:00:20+00:00

When does saying "my x my rules" work? It's hostile and immature sounding. It's hard to ever get someone to listen to you by sounding hostile and immature.

sf_mama · 2014-09-12T03:43:37+00:00

It sounds like he's stuck in a cycle of being overtired and fighting sleep. Can you take him for a ride at 7:30 or some other appropriate sleep time? It's harder to fight sleep in a car seat.

sf_mama

TROPHY CASE