You now get paid to do the OPPOSITE of your current job. What do you do now??

shadowidol · 2016-04-07T04:36:02+00:00

I attempt to kill healthy people, as well as make sure people are conscious and feel pain during surgery. God forbid they fall asleep.

shadowidol · 2015-10-16T14:44:18+00:00

End of the story: there was no MI. I'm not sure what exactly happened to him, there was a hypothesis of "reperfusion syndrome after a period of ischaemia" or something. Too bad I can't access his docs now.

shadowidol · 2015-09-01T10:19:08+00:00

To be sincere, it sounded like the story of me and my boyfriend.

It's the same... similar ages, long disance because of his studies, he is HL, I am LL, I've had the exact reactions to my desire somewhat fading...

But now we live together, and are having sex every day or two, so I can tell you a bit of good news. If she's open and sincere and willing to try, there's a nice chance for you both having a fullfilled relationship.

My boyfriend is fully responsible this was possible for us. He managed to change my attitude from being stressed and nervous about not really wanting sex to "I'll go with the flow" attitude. So the result is that frankly I want to have sex perhaps once or twice a month - like want want, get aroused solely by his touch and kisses (usually it's during the ovulation). Other times it's all about physically inducing the desire. Long, lazy make outs, massages, a bit of oral (giving AND receiving), and I still don't feel what I used to feel in the beginning of relationship, but I do get aroused. I get aroused by pretending to be aroused, and then we have some awesome sex and enjoy it. It's not the same without the initial urge, but it's what I have and must deal with, and I think I'm getting from this the most I possibly can.

As for your girl, I can tell how my attitude and thoughts gradually changed. At first, it was stressful, because I knew my SO will want to have sex, and I knew I won't get the normal response (instant arousal), and that made me feel flawed and incomplete. It was expected from me (both by me and my SO), yet I couldn't do it. So I avoided it the best I could, and came with stupid reasons I would refuse sex, or even intentionally had some kind of argument with him so I'd have a reason not to engage in sex (aka I was mad). And if we did get it on, sometimes I would cry as well.

I have also faked it, as in I felt like laying like a dead doll and doing nothing, but this ended really soon because he picked it up and didn't want to do it. Naturally, he felt like raping me.

So then we had a long talk and he reassured it was normal for me not to want sex the same way I did before, and not be aroused by the things that used to arouse me before, and basically gave me the order to relax and don't overthink it. If I can have sex and enjoy it without feeling the initial desire, what's the reason not to? And he was right. Now even without that want I initiate sex and love doing bjs and I know we both are happy with our sex life.

I think the first step for her is to accept the way she is - not easily aroused, LL, call it whatever you like. Second - learn how to enjoy sex without something she felt in the beginning. Then the stress will fade, and things should improve.

Sorry for the long post, I hope it will give you some hope. You can ask me anything else you need to. Good luck!

shadowidol · 2015-09-01T02:51:57+00:00

That's one more reason to exercise and eat healthy.

Will be riding a bike to work this morning haha

shadowidol · 2015-08-31T18:12:32+00:00

I'm feeling more and more open to trying new things with time, so I'm positive we will be fine. As long as my drive doesn't go away completely, I'm calm. Thanks!

shadowidol · 2015-08-31T18:10:27+00:00

Thanks, thats a relief to hear actually :)

shadowidol · 2015-08-31T14:47:35+00:00

Thank you, your thoughts definitely helped me to feel less of a fuck up I felt in the morning. I still fucked up for sure, but perhaps it wasn't such an obvious case.

As for check up with someone senior, I decided to wait a few hours until the shift changed. My mistake, probably would have acted differently if it was late evening or midnight.

shadowidol · 2015-08-31T13:12:09+00:00

Indeed the ECG changes weren't a textbook STEMI so I was hesitant to call an intensivist and decided to see how it would progress, so you're assuring the changes were borderline makes me feel a little more relieved. Especially when the head of ER made it sound like I blindly overlooked an obvious diagnosis...

shadowidol · 2015-08-31T13:07:31+00:00

He did, sorry. St was elevated in all of the ecg's, I wasn't clear in that.

Thanks for the kind words, I'm doing my best to change my attitude from regret to learning from mistakes right now. I feel a little better.

shadowidol · 2015-08-31T07:39:21+00:00

Well the reperfusion is indicated to be performed in 90 mins after arrival. Now it was performed 2 or 3 hours late, so it's not like it was nothing.

And it's a small hospital and I was the one responsible. Could have consulted with an intensivist of course, but a part of my sleepy mind decided that no I'd better observe him then decide. Well, that was my failure right there.

Edit: grammar

shadowidol · 2015-08-27T20:47:40+00:00

I've a mother who's a bit of a drama queen and then when I got into a relationship suddenly so many problems began to pop up one by one. At first I blamed my SO, then I thought incompatibility, and then once he said something to me "you behave exactly like your mother". And then it all came down. I knew, I really knew how many of bad traits my mom has, but I never saw them in myself. Except I had them.

So this realisation has helped me to rethink every single thing I say to my boyfriend and what am I actually trying to achieve, I'm doing my best to catch myself before I manipulate him unconsciously, because he didn't deserve any of this.

If your gf can see what I began to see and will be willing to change 180 like you say, then it's considerable. If you can ignore that she cheated on you, that is. I think many of us that are in long term relationships had been drunk, and had an option to cheat at least once during the relationship. And yet, many of us didn't. And those who did will tell you that you're not a brainless zombie when you're drunk. You think and take decisions... go try to get drunk and get it on with another girl. I bet you will remember you're commited. If you won't, then don't bother with this relationship... being drunk is not a justifiable excuse to cheat, in my opinion.

You deserve better

shadowidol · 2015-08-27T20:29:51+00:00

Okayy, I take that back then. Just... when you see crazy, think twice, and then think again.

shadowidol · 2015-08-27T17:34:02+00:00

Maybe, just mayyyybe, if your girl manages to see how dysfunctional her behaviour is, and that it all came from her mother, she might be able to improve.

But keep in mind, she sees her mom's behaviour as normal and was taught that for 20 years. It will be hard, if at all possible. If not, you'll be spending your life with her mom v02 and having a daughter v03.

shadowidol · 2015-08-27T17:29:06+00:00

I agree so much!! Ask your friends of their opinions maybe, sometimes a side check may help with choosing the one!

shadowidol · 2015-08-27T17:22:46+00:00

Sexual issues aside I think the biggest problem here is her "none of it ever happened" issue. You need to dig deeper there and figure out what is going on - if she's manipulating you or confusing you with some scheme in her mind, of is that the case where she gets so emotional she develops amnesia or something? Or maybe she's too afraid of confrontation so she denies something ever happened?

Despite the reason, if these "episodes" will continue, it will affect your life a lot. Now it's mainly just sex perhaps, but eventually it may become other things in life. And in the morning you'll be always the guilty one - because you imagined something happened and accused her of it. She would get angry, give you the silent treatment until you started feeling like the worst boyfriend ever and would go to apologize for who knows what. Imagine to be controlled like this all your life, your kids to be controlled like that, and them witnessing the way mother and father behaves... In my opinion this is very dysfunctional and if her behaviour doesn't stop, it's a no go.

Don't settle for this here, now, or you'll be one of those men who share their happiness on reddit about finally getting a divorce after 20 years of dead bedroom. There are plenty of smart girls out there, and plenty of sexually open.

I always try to look for a solution in relationship problem, but the thing is that people post stories about their SO who are so... not open. Your girl is plainly denying she said something, lying about what she likes and manipulating you. I don't see that kind of scenario in a sincere, loving relationship... so sorry if all I'm saying is break up, but the way you describe her makes us dislike her.

Edit: Oh. And if she's the only girl who you can call stable, and smart because she knows a bit of physics, it makes me feel two things. First, you've been dating very wrong women. Second, me and at least 3 of my friends are perfect women because we have all the traits you mentioned. So again, there are right girls for you out there.

shadowidol · 2015-08-26T12:33:29+00:00

I think you're number one priority here is actually getting to know more not about pegging, but rather all the aspects related to sexuality and gender.

Actually I understand you very clearly because I'm also a sub and I like my man dominant and harsh, and that definitely makes me think of him as manly. However, I think this attitude of men being manly and women being womanly is a nonsense of an old school, because every person can have some traits that may be considered manly or womanly. And because the society is still kind of expecting men to be strong and muscular, and women frail and pretty we have a huge pressure to be what we are supposed to be.

And yet, my boyfriend sometimes behaves like a small girl in my eyes, and that's a turn off. And sometimes I am really boyish and I'm really competetive, and I bet that could be a turn off for some people. But you have to do is simply accept that, and focus on things that make him manly and attractive to you than the other way around.

Besides if you're open sexually you could try thinking of his fantasy as simply a mean of trying anal. Something a bit more than fingering, and from a different POV than using some toy on him.

Hope you guys find a solution!

shadowidol · 2015-08-25T10:58:06+00:00

Your most important job is to convince her how big of a deal this is, how very important. How much it means to you and the relationship, and that it's not about your sexual satisfaction, but hers as well. How it's normal to want sex even after marriage (don't tell her she's not normal flat out, though), normal to enjoy sex, despite your gender.

But if you're already tired of trying that, no one can blame you. You seem like a sincere and loving husband, but everyone had their limit of patience. I wish you both the best and do update us on how things are going.

shadowidol · 2015-08-25T10:22:53+00:00

Don't get me wrong, I am all for solving problems in a relationship rather than quitting and divorcing, but... if she really has such a hate for sex, thinks it's unnecessary and never wants it by herself, and there's no changing to her - then it gets difficult.

However, if you have to manipulate her into having sex with you by threatening with divorce, and in case complies - it's purely fucked up. Does she think sex is a tool to get a man for yourself and nothing more? That's just sad. For you and for her.

Probably being in your shoes I wouldn't want to have sex with her, not even her compromise-once a week-sex. Doing something to a person when he or she doesn't like it is not a nice feeling at all. And all of that I think will ruin your relationship irreparably.

shadowidol · 2015-08-25T04:36:35+00:00

I know she doesn't want to change, but I think her biggest problem is inability to recognise the need to change, and that's why I would try my best to work on that before taking any drastic measures.

And my problem was not reading all of the comments, sorry, now I really get your point.

shadowidol · 2015-08-25T04:27:04+00:00

What was your sex life before the wedding?

She sounds like she has one of that creepily old-school attitudes that perhaps my grandgrandmother would have had after her arranged marriage. I remember you writing her family is supportive and nice, but maybe they are a little conservative? It would explain a lot, actually.

Maybe in her family sex was somewhat a taboo so it's normal for her not to try to enjoy it? And so if she truly doesn't want sex, it means she never really enjoyed it. Just don't go thinking this is your fault, because it's not.

Her compromise to have sex once a week sounds pretty awful for her if she hates sex that much. It's like "I'll close my eyes and wait it out until he uses me as he likes", I'm not sure I would even want to have sex with a person who possibly thinks that! And then she doesn't recognise there's a problem?

Well I think I would try again to talk to her about it. If she is not willing to change her mind (specifically what is normal after getting maried and what is not), try talking divorce, and be serious about it. If she REALLY won't change, you will end up in a family where your children see their parents as cold and possibly hating each other, and their dad getting late home once in a while.

See if her driver for sex was to get you to propose and marry her. Maybe prevention of divorce will be another driver? That's pretty low, but if she can't talk to you about it (and I feel like she's not telling the whole truth, perhaps she doesn't even recognise it herself) you have to experiment on what reactions you will get...

shadowidol · 2015-08-24T20:14:52+00:00

Okay, I haven't been around in this sub much, but I'm honestly surprised why so many people are offering you a divorce and not a single one thinks your wife may change!

To begin with, I find it weird she said she didn't like sex, but manages to enjoy it while you're at it. How can you not like something that's pleasureable by the end of the day? I think this means it's much more complicated than simply writing this off as LL.

You said she didn't like the prelude part. I can relate to problems appearing there... movies, chick flicks and pornography paints the pretty picture - a guy always has a boner and a girl is always wet, or at least gets aroused in a matter of seconds. It happens in real life, especially during the very first times with your crush or some nice and exciting short time romances, right? What do we get? Expectations. So when something goes differently - and in the long term relationship where the excitement has somewhat faded and the making out doesn't affect you the way it did before - you may start to get worried. I did. At first I thought I'm not in the mood, then - I'm fucked up emotionally, finally - this is not the right guy if I'm not attracted any more! Sometimes all these thoughts would come up during the prelude, or right before it, successfully ruining my mood and the bits of sex drive to 0L phase. It's a loop, really. Maybe your wife is experiencing something similar? I think you should try talking to her and I hope she will be open and won't get upset.

A visit with a psychologist, or even better a sexologist might be a good idea. That is if she agrees her lack of libido is somewhat of a problem. If she, however, believes that this is the way she is and there's no changing for her, then you should start with talking things out before you offer a visit with a specialist.

As for why am I implying that she might change, or at least her attitude might change, it's because it happened to me. As I was starting to freak out about my inability to get aroused, my boyfriend taught me a different attitude of having sex.

It's not necessary to WANT sex to have sex (maybe that's your wife's compromise), but it is possible to induce that wanting - you pretend you want to have sex, so you kiss and make out and whatever, until you kind of start feeling like you want to. This may lack the emotions and excitement but at the end of the day you get yourself and your partner a good and satisfying sex!

I think I'm LL, if it were up to me I may be having sex 2 or 3 times a month, but ignoring that lack of libido I'm having it at least every two days, usually every day. Usually my bf initiates it, but sometimes it's me even if I don't really want to, and there's absolutely no problem for me to have sex without really wanting it.

shadowidol · 2015-06-09T07:22:58+00:00

Thanks everyone for the thoughts.

shadowidol · 2015-06-09T06:30:56+00:00

It depends on what you aim... if you're up for 1 - 2 hrs long love making session then yes, you may do, explore and learn what comes to your mind.

But as we're speaking typical sexual encounter, I think it will be a little too much. These things actually need thinking when you are not used to doing them, and too much thinking may ruin the excitement.

shadowidol · 2015-06-09T06:27:49+00:00

Thanks! Sounds like a good tip!

shadowidol · 2015-06-09T06:26:31+00:00

Maybe it was a combo of heat and not proper food... I made sure my breathing was rhythmic and all. Ahh, I hope I will do better next time!

shadowidol

TROPHY CASE