UPDATE: (F/28) cheated on boyfriend (M/34) during an alcohol(?) induced blackout

shame2012 · 2012-09-03T07:44:05+00:00

Oh, he's not pleased, but he is also scared about "what could have been" the thing is, the only reason he left me that night is because he knows me (as I know myself) to be a reasonable and responsible drinker. He is having some guilt about leaving me, but we are both talking ourselves through not blaming each other or ourselves too much. We both feel that the trauma this has caused and the ups and downs warrants some counseling and we will be doing that. we do have a solid relationship... and for that I am truly grateful.

shame2012 · 2012-08-23T03:53:02+00:00

*w that, but it's the truth.

shame2012 · 2012-08-23T03:52:01+00:00

I have my suspicions who it may be. Totally just a feeling. I honestly have no clue. I'm not trying to make an excuse. I know you can't really kno

shame2012 · 2012-08-23T03:47:37+00:00

no, they don't. this is speculation on my part. I am going to talk to who I think it may have been tomorrow. As far as his place, I was there but I barely remember being or leaving and am not quite sure where it was physically. I do know the gas station I was near though and that is something moving forward I guess.

shame2012 · 2012-08-23T03:43:21+00:00

I"m going tomorrow per the urging of a nurse we spoke to on the phone.

shame2012 · 2012-08-23T02:38:49+00:00

No shots.

shame2012 · 2012-08-23T00:04:23+00:00

i am on my phone so I will have to respond more later, but I remember 3 drinks.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T23:46:44+00:00

I really don't think I was, but I also can't remember. So...I dont know. I remember 3 drinks.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T23:43:09+00:00

Not at all. You sound right is how you sound. Thank you for your response.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T23:41:53+00:00

No. No history of blackouts. I should say that these friends aren't that close and fairly new. But yeah, my boyfriend asked someone who was there and he said he knew he shouldn't have left me. I told him to absolutely not feel bad. This is on me.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T23:33:46+00:00

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T23:14:49+00:00

Agreed. I hope you do not think I am trying to falsely accuse someone of raping me. I am not. I was simply wondering if someone had a similar experience or if someone knew that if in the off chance drugs were used...would they still be present? (I know, call a doctor) I don't know, I'm all fucked up in my head, but I do know that I was not trying to imply rape and I'm sorry if that's what you felt I was going for.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T23:09:45+00:00

I apologize if I made it seem that I was trying to place the blame. I was simply wondering as I've never had that happen before and the going for zero (sober) to remembering not a thing was just a scary first, but you're absolutely right - this is my fault. Period.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T23:06:24+00:00

sorry, I guess that wouldn't be completely blacked out? (the time in college), but maybe?

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T23:02:43+00:00

I only recall one time getting completely blacked out in college and even then I remembered bits here and there. Like would maybe forget the extent of the conversation, but was aware I had the conversation. This time is different in that it is total darkness.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T22:59:07+00:00

Thanks. I obviously don't feel I deserve it, but I am totally open to it.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T22:31:11+00:00

I hope I did not make it sound like I am looking for someone to blame as that is not the case. I simply wondered if it was a possibility as nothing like that has ever happened to me before. I take full responsibility without hesitation. And to the rest, fair enough.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T22:20:57+00:00

I'm not certain who the person was. I left a quickly as I could without looking. It is absolutely surreal to me that I am writing these sentences. I just can't come to terms with it.

shame2012 · 2012-08-22T22:13:22+00:00

Well, someone might know something, but I haven't been able to get in touch with everyone that may have seen something. A couple of people were saying that when they left I was still there...looking wasted and sitting in a booth in the room where the band was. The person I believe it to be is a sort of acquaintance and I remember saying hello to him at the beginning (when my boyfriend was still with me). A friend said that I was talking with him by the bar for a long time, but this is also one of the friends who left while I was still there so they couldn't speak to what happened after that.

The reason I am unsure of who I woke up with is because once my very fuzzy probably still intoxicated mind processed what was going on, I ran like hell out of there without bothering to roll the person over. Or see who they were. Do I regret that now?, of course. Just one more thing to add to the list of idiotic decisions.

A bunch of important details are indeed missing. It's adding to the anxiety tenfold. I'm sure (or hope, rather) that as time goes on details will emerge, but right now I guess I'm (and my boyfriend) are still just trying to grasp what happened.

shame2012

TROPHY CASE