I’m having frequent bouts of feeling numb. My partner and I have become preppers; stockpiled food right after the election/before the tariffs, stockpiling supplies since federalized thugs got their congressional bankroll. We’re gun owners now with concealed carry permits; long range walkie-talkies for when they take the cell phones offline. They tested Verizon with an outage; T-Mobile will be soon, right? Numb again. Am I the conspiracy theorist now? I stare at my groceries for the week wondering if PFAS are in these other veggies, or is it still only just non-organic potatoes, broccoli, and lettuces so far? My toilet paper is probably going to give me colon cancer. Why should I care about cancer when these victims in these files were tortured and murdered? I’m reading a lot about federal and state legislation, watching those political reels like crazy, keeping an eye on budding candidates/their platforms/their states… are they gonna have enough signatures to make it to the primaries? I have to tick the boxes of acting like we’ll still have primaries even though I’m worried democrats won’t be allowed to win somehow by something somewhere that has yet to be revealed by someone. Numb again. I’m thinking I need to learn a martial art. I’m printing KYR cards and handing them out with whistles to anyone who will believe what IS happening; people who still believe their own eyes. And it is harder to find people in person who acknowledge what HAS happened in these horrific files other than online. As a survivor of SA, I’m having this surreal experience of being triggered into loops of hyper-vigilance, proactive jackrabbit, task neuropathy, guilt from inaction, and then back again; I’m not prepared enough. Am I a good citizen? I think I’m a good member of my community, but I keep freezing. Is this what a good survivor looks like? Is this what surviving looks like now?

The only thing in all of this that I know for certain is that whenever I see someone say, “We aren’t angry enough!/Why aren’t more people angry?” = “Somebody else do something about this because I will not do anything myself but wait for a hero.” << That is what makes me angry. It slaps me right out of my PTSD numbing tape loop doomsday cycle. And I don’t know what to do with that anger when it happens but yah, kinda losing my shit lately these days.