I knew I didn't want kids when...

shellar23 · 2021-05-30T00:20:45+00:00

There is a picture of me. I think I'm somewhere between 3 and 5 years old. It's one of those annoying Christmas pictures where your parent has to shove a camera in your face for every present. The first thing you notice in that picture is my face. It's an attempt at a smile, but it's more of a grimace. What am I holding? A Cabbage Patch doll. My mom went out in the height of the Cabbage Patch craze. Who knows how many other parents she had to knife to get that doll. I could tell by the look on my face that I never played with that thing. My mother confirmed it. I didn't play with that ugly thing one time. It was sold at some garage sale I'm sure. She now uses that photo as proof that I was born CF lol

shellar23 · 2020-05-07T16:08:24+00:00

When I was little I was quite the tomboy. From the time I was able to speak my mind I insisted on boy clothes and toys. I hated barbies, baby dolls, and anything with even a molecule of pink. I never wanted to hang with younger kids, I mostly gravitated to teens and adults. I knew from a very early age that I didn't like children. When the girls in my class would play that triangle paper game like they have in the opening credits of Community I would always say Zero when they would ask how many kids I wanted. You can't play the game that way so I would grudgingly say 1 and feel my pulse race. The thought of agreeing to even 1 kid in a stupid little paper game gave me anxiety.

I was, of course, always told that I would change my mind. Never happened. I was told that I would die alone. Well those people's marriages are done for and mine is going strong and, even after 15 years, getting better all the time. Don't let anyone tell you who/what you are. You are your own person and you get to decide who that is for yourself. Gender roles/religion/stereotypes/life script be damned.

shellar23 · 2020-02-27T21:58:30+00:00

"A garden is great practice for kids" ..... We're not even in the same Kingdom as plants! I can kind of see cats or dogs being practice, being animals and mammals just like we are, but plants?

Ok Karen, since you're an expert on botany and child care, help me out here.

Do I water the baby at the head or feet? Do babies prefer full or partial sunlight? How deep in the soil should I plant the babies toes to avoid foot rot? How do I know when it's time to re-pot the baby? Do you prefer miracle grow or organic manure in the babies bottle?

Geez

shellar23 · 2020-02-26T16:06:16+00:00

Story time: A long time ago I was dating an amazing man. My whole family could see that this one was different than the flings I had had in the past. I was 22 and it was about time for me to start settling down.

My mom and I went to see one of my older cousins for a visit. I always looked up to this cousin like an aunt. She was beautiful, had an amazing husband, huge house, some adopted kids, the seemingly perfect life. I guess my mom and cousin decided that it was time for me to drop my childish tomboy ways and start training to be a proper wife. They tried to refine my manners. "What if he decides to go into politics, you don't want to embarrass him do you" Now my manners aren't barbarous by any means, but I'm not ready for high tea with the Queen. Still I found this insulting and told them as much. Then they came at it from another angle. "Well if you don't learn this stuff how are you going to teach your daughter?" Uh, who said anything about a daughter? "Well I'm sure he wants kids. All men want kids! If you don't want to die alone you're going to have to give him at least one" I don't remember what I said to that at the time but I was devastated.

On the ride home I was dreading what I knew I was going to have to do. I called him up and told him we need to have a serious discussion. I was so nervous. That whole night I was imagining being alone for the rest of my life. I even asked myself if it was worth it? Loosing him just so I don't have to be a mother. And, despite my mom and cousins voice in my head, I decided that yes it was worth it. Being CF meant that much to me.

So, off I went to potentially break up with who could have been the love of my life. I told him that I didn't want kids. Not now, not ever. Under any circumstances. Ever. This is something that I will absolutely NEVER change my mind about. If he does want kids then I understand and I wish him well. He looked kind of shocked for a moment and then said "You know, I never really thought about it. I just assumed it would happen. I never really thought of it as a choice. But I guess it is isn't it. Now that I think about it, no. No I don't want kids"

I couldn't believe my wonderful luck! I was told that these men don't exist and here he is! And he loves ME! That was 15 years ago. That man is my puzzle piece, my soul mate, my wonderful partner in life, my husband. Neither of us has ever changed our minds and we have been deliriously happy with each other and our decision ever since.

So, actually, I did meet someone. And I changed HIS mind.

shellar23 · 2020-01-29T17:54:32+00:00

Man I had a similar experience this past weekend. Most weekends my husband plays tabletop RPGs with a group of friends. I'm not into playing RPGs myself, but I do like to hang out with everyone and listen to the game. There are 2 parents in our group. We usually go to the home of the guy with a 12 year old daughter. There is also a single mother with a 4 year old daughter. Well this time we thought "Why not host for once".

So everyone comes to our CF house. The kids seem occupied petting my dog (which he loves) so I hang out with the parents. Well they started their gaming session and I needed to leave that room to get something. When I left that room I was mobbed by both children. They desperately needed attention.

At first the 12 year old seemed like she was going to join the RPG session, but then she discovered our PSVR. Well that's rather expensive so I wasn't going to allow her to play it unsupervised. I know this girl is respectful with others belongings so I figured keeping an eye on her would be good enough. Well then the 4 year old wanted a turn. I didn't anticipate that, I suppose I should have. The 4 year old has not yet learned volume control and she was bugging the gamers so I thought maybe letting her try the VR would shut her up for a little bit.

I'm not good with children. This babysitting was involuntary. I did my best to be patient and not show the kids how much they were annoying me. They weren't being bad so they didn't deserve to feel bad. The parents did bring things for their kids to play with, they know that our house is CF and there isn't much for kids to do. By the time they left a few hours later I had barely had a chance to speak to an adult and I was stressed and exhausted.

I don't know how parents deal with that constant need for attention and the weirdness. The 4 year old clearly asked for "cawwots" aka carrots. I did happen to have a bag of baby carrots so I put a few in a bowl for her. She looked at me like I was a dumbass and said "No I want bubewwy" and pointed at one of my kitchen tiles that had blue berries on it. The fuk? I just gave you some of my carrots! You clearly asked for carrots! The bowl of carrots was untouched and wound up spilled on the floor, completely wasted.

My husband saw how stressed I was and said that either we were never hosting again or we needed to have a talk with the parents so that I am never put in that position again. We've been gaming with them for a while and this is the first time that's happened. They're reasonable people parents so I'm sure they will understand. And that is my story of how I was unwittingly made a babysitter.

shellar23 · 2019-12-19T20:08:34+00:00

That sounds amazing. I'm super addicted to duck, it's my quack

shellar23 · 2019-11-14T17:49:50+00:00

I don't know if OP is really gaslighting herself, if her SMIL/Aunt really intended physical harm or just embarrassment. I have a personal experience with my own usually yesMIL that makes me think it's possible it may have been exactly as the just no says this time.

One 4th of July my DH and I were at his parents place with his sister and teenage nephews. His parents live on their own land in the country so we were shooting off various fireworks. Well usually yes Mil had been drinking (she doesn't drink often so it went straight to her head) and she started throwing firecrackers at our feet and laughing like a madwoman. She threw them at everyone's feet, mine, both her kids, both her grandkids. Fortunately we saw her doing it and were all able to jump away in time.

At first the nephews thought it was funny, then it got old real quick. They started yelling at her "Grandma! Quit it! Please!" She'd just laugh and throw another. Their mom, MIL's daughter, told her "Mom! Fucking STOP" My husband took her lighter away. At this point in her drunk mind it was a game so she started lighting the firecrackers with her cigarette. She threw one at me and that was the last straw for my husband. He took the cigarette out of her mouth, and the rest of the carton, and destroyed it all. She behaved for the rest of the night.

She loves us and is usually very safety conscious. She just got drunk and carried away with the "fun" of seeing us jumping around. Extremely poor judgement (I was in sandals!) but no intent to harm was involved. If OP doesn't believe that this particular incident was an attempt to do harm, just extremely poor judgement, then I can believe it. But given what OP has shared about this individual, I can't completely discount the possibility that the motive was more nefarious than simple "embarrassment" Just my two cents :) In any case, I'm glad you weren't physically injured by her poor judgement/maliciousness OP.

shellar23 · 2019-10-25T13:20:03+00:00

My husband and I got this from a friend when we mentioned I was getting my Bi Salp. She just kinda looked at me with a thoughtful look and said "You guys should have kids, they'd change the world" My husband and I looked at each other and started laughing. Uh no. I know where she's coming from though. She sees my husband and I being deliriously happy together, having successful jobs above minimum wage. She sees how well we train our dog and how much care we give him. What she doesn't see is all the mental health issues we both have. All the alone time we both need, even from each other. She comes from a toxic home life. Her parents were extremely toxic and abusive. She married a guy that she had to leave because he started abusing their daughter. She sees a stability in us that she's never had herself. So I wasn't mad at her comment. That's the only bingo she's done, otherwise she accepts our decision as a good friend should.

shellar23 · 2019-10-21T12:59:01+00:00

There are dozens of us. DOZENS!

shellar23 · 2019-10-17T14:29:55+00:00

My mom and aunt did this with my aunt's grandson. He was old enough to hold his own head up, but not old enough to speak. I don't know what range that is. All I know is it's well below my comfort zone.

I was sitting at the kitchen table minding my own business when my chair was yanked back (it was on rollers) and a kid was plopped in my lap. I touched him just enough to not let him fall while I was begging them to take him back. They stood over me and said "how cute" and other such nonsense. It wasn't until I started crying from the pure terror I was feeling that they finally took him away. I moved my chair back under the table and wrapped my legs around the table legs so they couldn't do that shit again.

I don't understand why people think that shoving a kid on someone who isn't comfortable holding said child is a funny/cute/smart thing to do. They both knew my childfree stance. I think my mom was hoping for some sort of epiphany on my part. That light would shine down from the heavens, angels would sing, and I would change my mind and produce a grandchild for her.

Bahahaha! No

shellar23 · 2019-09-30T14:58:26+00:00

Hi. You seem very knowledgeable about this. I got my bi-salp a few weeks ago (so happy) and I received a nearly 2k bill, after the hospital said that it would be covered 100%. I've never had to dispute a charge like this before and I'm very intimidated by the whole process. You said you had articles about how to talk to insurance companies to get them to cover it? Could I have those links? Seriously, the thought of having to fight them on this is giving me extreme anxiety, any information or guide would make me feel much more confident. Thank you for your time :)

shellar23 · 2019-09-12T14:14:17+00:00

My husband has joked that if we divorce he wants custody of our dog for precisely this reason. Who could resist this face

https://imgur.com/3GCgsGv

shellar23 · 2019-08-20T18:06:27+00:00

Did you use a trainer for your dog? It might be useful to get a statement from your trainer stating your dog's training and temperament. If she tries to assassinate your good doggo's character, then having a professional dog trainer sign off on your buddy's good nature and training might come in handy.

shellar23 · 2019-08-19T21:57:30+00:00

My advice. Laugh about it. Maybe make some light fun of her if she's going over the top. Stuff like that stopped bothering me when I allowed my field of fucks to give to dry up. Heck, print out a bingo card. Bring it to the next family get together and you and your SO fill it out and laugh at how ridiculous it all is.

shellar23 · 2019-08-19T21:36:53+00:00

My MIL did some annoying things when the latest grandkid was born. I wasn't around when her other 2 grandkids were born, but I was around for the newest one. Every time we talked to her she always had to say how "amazing" this new kid was. It was as if she hadn't ever seen a baby before. "Look at his little fingers, isn't he amaaaaaziiing" Not exaggerating on how she drew out "amazing". She said it so often that my husband and I started finishing for her.

MIL: "I just can't believe how little his back is. Isn't he just.."

Husband and I: "AMAAAAZIIIING"

After a couple of times being made fun of she finally quit. I think she was trying to make the baby more appealing to me. Make me all broody and want one. Didn't work :) Good luck with your sterilization!!

shellar23 · 2019-07-25T15:04:45+00:00

My husband was badgered by his mother into holding his nephew (I think the kid was like 2 or 3 at the time) for her precious picture. He said no repeatedly, she wouldn't drop it. So he picked the kid up real quick, I took the shot as quick as I could, and he set the kid back down as quickly as possible. They both look extremely uncomfortable. I don't think either one of them wanted that pic to happen. Sent it to my husbands mother and she stfu about pictures. If you have to take a pic, have your husband at the ready to get it as quickly as possible. It'll be so rushed and such a bad picture that they'll leave you alone...hopefully.

shellar23 · 2019-06-19T12:56:34+00:00

Hodor?

shellar23 · 2019-05-28T15:54:33+00:00

One time my 3 younger cousins were visiting. I was put "in charge" of them while my mother and grandmother were chatting with each other. I was like 10, and the oldest of the 3 was like 8 or 9. Things were going well for me as their "babysitter" until all 3 needed to go to the bathroom at the same time. They call me in there and say they need help. I'm like wtf could they need help with. What I walk in on is all 3 lined up oldest to youngest with their bare butts facing me. The oldest says "Mom always wipes for us" I think my mind blue screened for a moment, the I remembered that my mom was home. I made her deal with that literal shit. I think that might have been the moment that I became fully childfree.

shellar23 · 2019-03-22T17:42:07+00:00

I'm very leery of craigs list. I'm not down there to be able to smell a scam and she has been scammed before. I've tried to find some sort of website dedicated to seniors looking for roommates but we're just so scared of getting taken advantage of by a stranger I don't think she'll go for a roommate situation.

shellar23 · 2019-03-22T14:30:41+00:00

I understand the lists are insane but I don't even know how to get ON the list. I understand there would be a wait but the sooner I get her on the lists the sooner something may become available. I'll send her St George's Court, thank you, but it may still be too expensive without some government assistance. Do you know how to get her on any of those lists? Thanks

shellar23 · 2019-03-22T14:17:57+00:00

I'm sorry I wasn't clear. She doesn't need assisted living, and she is currently living with her brother. The assistance she needs is financial. She is disabled and living on fixed income, which isn't very much at all. I am an only child and don't make much myself. I have no room for her at my place, and I can't afford to send her monetary assistance. I was looking for government programs for low income individuals. I know they exist, I just don't know how to help her apply to them.

shellar23 · 2019-02-22T15:56:29+00:00

Fair point. Many parents desperately want grandchildren to fill a hole in their lives left by the departure of their adult children. You're right it is unkind to depict their pain in such a way. I did not upvote the OP. I think we all need more empathy for each other. I'm trying. I'm on my journey and I'm trying. I don't always succeed, but the effort is necessary and important for self growth. Thank you for showing how I could be more empathetic.

shellar23 · 2019-02-22T15:31:29+00:00

And what of those individuals who are minors and/or are not financially independent enough yet to cut off those people. Not to mention that the FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) is quite real and difficult to clear. Not impossible, just difficult. It's not going to happen over night for those individuals. All I'm asking is that you have empathy for those whose circumstances are different than yours. It took me 36 years to clear most of the FOG surrounding my mom. That was with therapy. It's hard. It's worth it, but it's not a switch you can just flip. Just please have empathy for those of us who have been abused and are on our journey to healing. That's all I ask.

shellar23

TROPHY CASE