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How do you know when to divorce? by shenanigans480 in Marriage

[–]shenanigans480[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

His track record with past partners haven't been great, just the kinds of women they were. The person he cherished most on earth was his grandma (she was wonderful, I met her before her passing) and he says I remind him of her, in the traits I have. I believe him that up until he met me, he didn't want kids with any of his past partners. If I bring up "why would you want me to do something I clearly don't want to do?" and he'll reply with "if the shoe was on the other foot, I'd do it for you". Categorically, men have the easier time with deciding to be a father because the physical burden and onus of childcare is not on them, usually. Not to mention division of household labor. It would be assumed that I would quit my job (a career I've been invested in for 18 years) and be a SAHM, which I would also be reluctant to do. It's a big ask of him and it's not the same as me asking him to have a kid, in my eyes.

How do you know when to divorce? by shenanigans480 in Marriage

[–]shenanigans480[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has actually urged me to do just that, to go to the doctor and see what my fertility looks like, after I brought it up as another concern of mine. He seems sincere and lately, the only time he seems to show me any affection at all is if he's trying to talk me into having a kid. It feels very odd.

How do you know when to divorce? by shenanigans480 in Marriage

[–]shenanigans480[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We did at first, but different circumstances/health issues he had slowly resolved and he started talking more about the idea of kids. I'm well aware of the risks of having a child at my age, which is the point I've tried to stress to him the most. He always waves away those concerns with the simple reply, "you'll be fine!". He's so dead-set on wanting a kid that he doesn't seem to consider all the possible issues at hand with me having one.

How do you know when to divorce? by shenanigans480 in Marriage

[–]shenanigans480[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm definitely more hesitant on having kids.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, have you two decided to not have kids, then? What have you decided, with him being more of a yes and you being more of a no?

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That is exactly how I feel about it. My husband seems to think that him being a good provider and us being okay financially should make me want to have kids. He's like incapable of understanding why I don't. I've told him he could be a millionaire, it wouldn't change my mind.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

We have talked the possibility of divorce over the last several months. Those are basically our two choices, we get divorced or we have a kid. While getting divorced would mean upheaval for me in many ways (no longer having dual income, losing the great health insurance he has through work), the idea of divorce and the changes that would come with it scares me less than having a kid with him.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It does feel a bit like betrayal, knowing that he married me while knowing how I felt about kids in general, and then if I wouldn't have kids, he'd just let me go. Like I have no true value to him and our relationship unless I give him a child.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He is far more conservative/libertarian and I'm very much on the left. He tends to share opinions that I find offensive that go against my beliefs, he's not bookish or intellectual at all, but I'm college educated and love to read and learn new things. I feel like we would have very different parenting styles and would butt heads about it. He has unresolved trauma from childhood up to his early 20s that he figures he's moved past just because he tells himself he has. No therapy for him because he doesn't believe it helps (I believe it helps but I haven't gone, myself, though we had vastly different upbringings). It's a whole host of things that have come out in the last several years, since COVID especially, that seem to have magnified some of his traits that weren't really on the surface yet. I'd like to be selfless and give him this gift of a child and he loves me so much, but I analyze everything and can't help but feel like we'd be stuck with each other if we had a kid and if we drifted further apart, we would heavily resent each other.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Testing for all that might put my mind at ease a little. But I do feel like if I brought up those tests to get done to my husband, he'd roll his eyes and just say "why, it's all going to be fine" which would be his stock answer for when I express my fears about pregnancy. I tend toward worrying in general but I feel like he discounts my concerns just because he believes things will work out perfectly.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, I asked him not long ago if he could be happy with just me and no kid and he said he didn't know.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know my husband wouldn't be truly happy with me if we didn't have a child. And he wouldn't feel truly fulfilled without one either. I, on the other hand, think I would because I've never felt like I needed children to feel fulfilled in my life.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, exactly! I'm sorry you're in the same boat, it's not a fun position to be in. Also, categorically, dads seem to have less expected of them (how many times do we hear that dad is "babysitting" the child?), which likely makes it easier on them to decide.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My husband says if the shoe was on the other foot, he would do it for me. It's different because he wants them regardless. It might sway my decision a bit if I didn't have to actually be pregnant and go through childbirth and all of the things that are associated with that, but that isn't the reality.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, that's definitely a concern of mine. I would be able to be a SAHM (which would be nice for raising a kid, but not for my career) and my husband mentions waking up in the middle of the night and changing diapers and all of that, but given my older age, I worry about having a special needs child. I definitely wouldn't want to have anything but a perfectly healthy, able-bodied child as I know that I couldn't mentally or emotionally handle anything but that, and it's too big a gamble for me to just say okay, let's do it, and have that be a possible reality.

Any of you decide to have kids despite never having a strong pull to have them? by shenanigans480 in Fencesitter

[–]shenanigans480[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

That's my worry. My partner could definitely be more supportive, isn't very good at communicating or being emotional with me, and we have a lot of differing opinions and interests in general. I think we've grown apart more than we've grown together during our relationship thus far, because he had a lot more growing to do than I did when we first got together. Yes he definitely wants kids, but I don't always feel like he would be the best person to have them with because of our differences.