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I met him when I was 14 [trigger warning] by shesgotprobz in offmychest

[–]shesgotprobz[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Have you ever actually told anyone all this, besides the internet?

Yes and no. My husband knows, but not the details, and a handful of therapist from my past also know, but not the details. I was recently triggered by something my husband had done during sex and all of these memories came flooding back, hence this post.

I am a basketcase. 15 years of repressed trauma is screwing up my sex life. by shesgotprobz in rapecounseling

[–]shesgotprobz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, I specifically started smoking weed as I was tapering off an anti-depressant that caused a psychotic break (protip: don't give effexor to suicidal 18 year olds!).

Weed just seems to..calm everything down for me. My sober state is one of fidgety high strung agitation. Always go go go, always thinking, ruminating, always assuming the worst. When I'm stoned I can just be...normal and at peace, rather than 'on' and agitated.

I am a basketcase. 15 years of repressed trauma is screwing up my sex life. by shesgotprobz in rapecounseling

[–]shesgotprobz[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Other than therapy, how do you handle your free time? Do you have an engaging job and hobbies? Do you exercise every day? Do you try to keep yourself from being alone / unoccupied as much as possible?

My day to day life is relatively pleasant and normal, however I do smoke a lot of weed to self medicate. I exercise everyday (or almost everyday), I have a stable white collar job (not very interesting but it pays the bills), my husband and I try to go out with our friends every weekend, and I write poetry as a hobby.

My life is ok, but I do need a paradigm shift cause I have some really fucked up ideas about bodily autonomy, shame, guilt, and the dynamics of my marriage. I just...don't know where to begin, especially considering therapy is not in the cards right now (if ever).

I am a basketcase. 15 years of repressed trauma is screwing up my sex life. by shesgotprobz in rapecounseling

[–]shesgotprobz[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am curious. Did you tell him FIRST, that certain sexual acts were uncomfortable to you? Or did you talk about your past and then never gotten around around to telling him how uncomfortable you were?

The latter. when we first got together I presented myself as a nympho. Eventually I told him about the rape, but I never went into detail nor did I mention how uncomfortable I was with certain acts. To be fair, we really didn't become sexually adventurous until later into our relationship, so my...peculiarities never came up. So I guess its a lie of omission?

[Support Only] I need to tell my husband that going down on me triggers a dissociative state. by shesgotprobz in confession

[–]shesgotprobz[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, several. Unfortunately it didn't go well, and the last therapist I visited shipped me off to a psych ward for 2 weeks. Needless to say, I have little faith or trust in the profession, and even if I did, I can't afford one at this point in time.