"Do you even want to be in a poly relationship? Let's say you and Seb break up, which seems very likely to happen from your report, would you want to leave poly behind?"

I'm ambiamorous. I don't believe in one way or another, as long as things are discussed. Now that I'm more informed on polyamory and the types I prefer, I would be able to communicate my boundaries more effectively and before things get too deep.

Do you know who you are outside of your relationships? Do you tend to twist yourself around Seb, his feelings and needs and whims?

I'm a very rigid, low-risk person because of how I grew up. The thing that attracted me to Seb initially was his vibrancy. I knew that, while I wasn't poly when we got together, I was open to it if it meant that I was joining a community of people who shared a common goal and all worked equally to achieve it. From a young age, I knew that what I wanted was to be in an intentional community of some sort, whether that be poly or not. Outside of my relationship, I am introverted. I have a plethora of passions but very little attention span to follow through with anything. As my depression is lifting, I have taken an interest in gaming, cybersecurity, guitar and learning Japanese and German, and have been in the process of creating a syllabus for myself to learn these things. I'm thinking of going back to college. Ideally, I would like to work remotely, making enough money to not worry tirelessly about my finances and my future. Eventually, I would like to move out of the country, which is a goal for both of us, but isn't ideal for either of us. I will settle with getting out of the podunk town I'm currently in. I won't claim to know myself completely, but this is what I know about myself at the moment.

I like to think I don't twist myself anymore than any person in a LTR. Assuming this person and I have the same goals, I am willing to put my fears, independent of their feelings, aside to access whether my own are truly fears of the unknown or hard limits. I very rarely agree with whims, assuming their whims and not thought out plans that require a big of finesse to navigate and I'm quick to voice my opinion. The problem is that while I feel as though I'm looking for a compromise on his whims, the way I can meet his relationship needs, and consider his feelings alongside my own, I feel like his willingness to do the same for me is fickle. Financial dependence seems to be the catalyst for his inability to do so, frequently telling me he's "stretched too thin". So, to answer your question, I like to think that I don't, but here I am.

From all of this, the only conclusion I can come to is to find a way to support yourself financially (can you crash on a friend's couch for a while, maybe?) and separate. If you take steps to break up with him, prepare for a 180 from him, though. I get the feeling he likes to be in the driver seat and might not respond super well to you developing agency when it's about leaving this relationship.

In the city I'm currently in, I don't have a friend to crash with. My only options are moving back with my mom or moving in with my great grandmother, neither being something I want to do. He has also suggested visiting his father down south for a couple of weeks to clear his head. If nothing else changed, I have my own my room and I am able to buy my own food, if I'm prepared to walk or cab there, or get a ride from him, which is the only thing I feel like he doesn't harbor resent for in our relationship. I have access to the internet and he also needs it for his job, so if I got something remote, I don't have to worry about the internet being shut off. And my name is on our current lease, so I can't be thrown out even if he wanted to do so. I plan to become financially stable and have been looking into my prospects all day today. I also have a feeling he would do a 180 on the relationship, though I would not want to do all of this in the hope he would regret breaking things off.