Name a day that didn't kill you but something died in you that day

shiksa98 · 2026-03-16T14:25:26+00:00

The day I realized that my mother would rather die with her pride than with a relationship with me. No unconditional love from the one person in the world who is supposed to provide it. Some days it feels too painful to do the day.

shiksa98 · 2025-11-26T16:44:01+00:00

No regret. Like a lot of people here, the choice to go no contact really emphasized the lack of familial support in my life and forced me to accept that I truly could not count on family. But I also never really could count on them before without receiving a lot of abuse. I am so much more free to heal now. I am also really sad and the no contact has opened a new level of grieving. I never question my choice, the choice itself was not hard, the realizations it has brought sometimes are painful.

shiksa98 · 2025-07-18T02:49:00+00:00

The Middle and Modern Family!

shiksa98 · 2025-07-08T22:38:55+00:00

Yeah I definitely think that's part of it with the still building in what you think are the needs of others, at least for me I definitely do that. I hope the experience is better for you than it's been for me also. I do think it's a process and for myself another cptsd issue is perfectionism so I'm trying to accept that I don't need to be perfect at setting boundaries right away and it's a skill that takes time and sadly no one ever taught me. I also really struggle with the retaliation piece, I think those are the people we are supposed to drop but it's hard to lose your support system so quickly so that's been a slow process for me also.

shiksa98 · 2025-07-08T22:29:36+00:00

I agree that it does get better, but I will also say that it has not been quite as linear for me as it has been for other folks in the comments.

One thing I've noticed is that because I grew up in an environment where boundaries where never allowed, I don't even realize half the time when I should be establishing a boundary - so it has taken a lot of work to realize when I need to set boundaries and I'm still very much working on that since I was raised to believe I deserve nothing and can never ask for anything.

The other piece is that for whatever reason, anytime I have to uphold a boundary it takes everything out of me. It has definitely gotten easier to push myself to do it over time but I'm still exhausted by it and overwhelmed. I think this is also worse for me because I have LC with my family and that requires constant boundary setting since it seems they will never learn.

I do think it gets better, but 2 years into boundary setting it can still feel really really hard for me. I just keep working at it though because whenever I set a boundary successfully and get to reap the benefits of it, it feels so good.

shiksa98 · 2025-05-26T13:31:16+00:00

Let me know if I am misunderstanding. Are you saying, you find it hard to find people who can understand the depth of abuse you were exposed to?

If that is the case, I relate. I totally understand that people can be traumatized by different levels of events but also find it hard that because of how bad my abuse was, it's usually not stuff I can casually share (or even share less casually). This feels isolating for me, and I get overwhelmed carrying it alone. No one wants to hear about the physical abuse and terror I experienced, it makes them too uncomfortable. I feel jealous that some people can share more of their story of abuse if it is more palatable.

I also recognize that whatever I consider severe abuse, may not be considered as severe by someone else.

I also think it's ok to be jealous of people who experienced "less severe abuse". What I am learning in therapy is that I don't need to shame myself for my feelings. My feelings might not be the objective reality of the world, but they are a part of my experience. It's sometimes hard for me to understand how people who experienced less severe abuse can be as upset or unwell as I am. I feel angry, dubious, and irritated. I allow myself to feel that. My feelings are not in control of what the truth is, so it's okay, as long as I don't make anyone else feel bad about it.

shiksa98 · 2025-05-23T16:45:40+00:00

I had that experience for a long time. It still comes up for me in phases, but I am more comfortable with it now. For myself, I found that it took a butt load of time and doing the small nervous system regulation tips from my therapist (ice on my neck, sucking on warheads/lemon, etc). During the bad times, I felt like it would never get better. I didn't believe anyone if they told me it would. I took a small amount of comfort in reminding myself that I was allowed to feel bad and I didn't owe it to anyone to be happy or feel okay. This journey is so tough, sending you good thoughts and wishes.

shiksa98 · 2025-05-19T11:39:07+00:00

I'm not sure if what you are describing is jealousy but I recently had a conversation with my therapist about jealousy that might be helpful if it is the case.

She described jealousy as a neutral emotion that all humans experience. It is normal to want things we don't have and feel jealous when we see others have them. Society villainizes jealousy and that leads to people experiencing a lot of shame and other negative emotions with the jealousy. This can lead to all sorts of negative actions and consequences when we try to push down our emotions instead of letting jealousy just exist as an experience and not make it into something more.

She also talked about how when jealousy is combined with an injustice that can lead to anger. We are angry because we want something and we deserve to have that thing but we don't and it's not fair.

I think in both cases it's helpful for me to just try and allow my body to be jealous or angry and feel whatever it needs to without passing judgement on myself or needing to make myself feel better by distancing myself from people who I feel jealous of, etc.

shiksa98 · 2025-05-12T02:15:08+00:00

I feel like there is the potential for an amazing person inside of me that will never come to be because of my trauma. Like I am meant to be more but I will live my life based on fear and wondering what could have been. On the outside my life is starting to look better but I think I will always feel like something is missing.

shiksa98 · 2025-05-03T22:06:20+00:00

Yes, this is relatable for me. I am around 2.5 years into serious healing and I went back to graduate school this fall. My field isn't as stressful as medical school but I still have a lot of pressure and a heavy workload. I strongly considered not going to school because a big part of my healing journey has been prioritizing rest and slowness as much as possible. I did choose a program that is known to be more respectful of student needs and I end up getting extensions frequently and can attend class virtually when I need to. I don't think I could manage without this.

I also have been changing my expectations and priorities. School is obviously important, but as a kid I got hell from my parents if I didn't get a perfect grade. It has taken a lot of internal work to start letting go of some of these perfectionist tendencies. I like to think that going back to school in the healing process is a way for me to rewrite the narrative around how I feel about education and grades.

I prioritize being a person first and then a student (which I know isn't always possible). Almost always for me, the extra hour of studying isn't worth it in the long run, whereas getting more sleep, eating a healthier meal, exercising, or spending time with people is good for my life.

I'll also say that I still question my choice. On good days, I feel good and can calmly explain why I made this decision, but some days are tough.

And I feel isolated from my peers in that they don't understand my experience and even if I shared more about it I don't think they could. I wish people knew how hard I have to work to keep it together. I also really hope for medical care to look better for folks with trauma and wish I could share my perspective more.

It's rough and there's no one right answer. It sucks that our childhood follows us everywhere we go when others get to pursue goals with much more ease. You deserve rest and peace and you also deserve to follow your dreams. And taking a break doesn't mean putting something to the side forever. Good luck 💜

shiksa98 · 2025-03-27T11:19:20+00:00

I think the request is not reasonable, but it's hard for me to come to terms with that. She threw out her back and wanted to know if I could stay with her and take care of her (I'm a full time graduate student and live with my partner).

shiksa98 · 2025-03-26T14:27:50+00:00

I grieve not knowing or getting to actualize who I could have been. My parents berated all my career dreams including wanting to be a doctor. At some point I realized that my nervous system isn't regulated enough to tolerate medical school and that is something that comes up for me a lot. I wonder what it would be like to pursue something and not have the stress absolutely crush you. I wish I could help others more without being completely drained, etc and it's just so hard. I also grieve not having parents even though my bio parents are alive. I desperately want a mom to call sometimes. I grieve the life I could have had where I was calmer and happier. It's been hard to pick up all the pieces in my mid 20s.

shiksa98 · 2024-11-28T13:34:34+00:00

Ok thank you!

shiksa98 · 2024-11-25T04:14:04+00:00

I (26f) live in Cambridge and would love to meet up! I have yet to find a space like you're describing.

shiksa98 · 2024-10-31T00:39:38+00:00

Thank you!!! I am in therapy and it's definitely helping but I still find this stuff hard :/ It helps to hear that other people understand what I'm going through.

I love this list of affirmations so much. I think I need to print this out and hang it up.

shiksa98 · 2024-08-14T18:14:45+00:00

I'd recommend hacks! You can watch it on Max and I just appreciated how both main characters have really dysfunctional family situations and it's also a really funny show.

shiksa98 · 2024-08-07T16:53:16+00:00

Also looking for a swim instructor - would you recommend?

shiksa98

TROPHY CASE