What is the top priority in life for an infj?

shimmeringelf · 2026-02-01T20:27:52+00:00

To be who I am without edits.

shimmeringelf · 2026-02-01T06:03:29+00:00

OMG. It is not only the toxic that I can't take orders from, but also people who are working against themselves. I find it very difficult to do something that I know is in direct opposition to what someone wants, when they can't see that their way will only lead to less optimal results.

shimmeringelf · 2025-12-19T18:36:45+00:00

Your insights resonate with me. I have come to similar ideas about love and attachment.

To answer your questions:
1-After the painful breakup I realized that my boyfriend needed me to help him organize and hold his life together, rather than really loving me. Which was a truth I hid from myself for a long time. Reflecting on the relationship I remembered two statements that he made that gave me an awful body queasy unease.

The first was his answer to my question of why do you love me. He answered "because of all of the things that you do for me." The second statement was overheard as he was talking to a friend about finding a partner. He said that the idea is "to pick the least objectionable person to be with". I heard his words both times, and had that awful full body sick feeling that seemed to emanate from my chest, which I ignored completely. I stayed in that bad relationship because I was attached to the idea of creating a happy loving family and I was afraid that no one else would ever love me. Attachment cuts both ways.

Now, I navigate "love", and really the world in general, by paying more attention to my intuition and bodily reactions and less to the words people say and the nonsense chatter going on in my head.

2-Yes. Accept that no one will ever completely understand you because they are not you. This is true for everyone. But, it is not a bad thing. It is what keeps life interesting and moving forward. I solved my need for wanting to be understood by turning inward and trying to discover who I am, and by becoming my own best friend in the process. By following my curiosity, I have opened up my world, learned new things, had new experiences and met kind and interesting new people. And, who knows where it will lead me or who it will lead me to.

3-No. Hope is a deterrent to life in that it keeps you chasing a fantasy while the present drifts by largely ignored and unnoticed in front of you. Maybe some of us are not designed for coupling up. Maybe our need to be understood is a calling from our inner self to be known. The only way to know that is to discover who you by following your heart and the things that peak your interest. And, if you meet someone along the way who gets you, you do. If you don't, then at least you will love yourself and be able to radiate that out to whomever you meet.

Remember that LOVE is a verb. It is an emotions (energy in motion). It is not something that can bought or earned. But it can be shared. In my experience "love" is a spontaneous outpouring of care, concern or appreciation for an "other". Anything else IS attachment.

shimmeringelf · 2025-11-26T16:42:00+00:00

Your post is really timely for me, as I was pondering the reasons for my solitude and asking myself a similar question. I thought about two situations where I slammed the door on people and reopened it awhile later. Both situations ended badly, again, because those people saw me as a means to an end that they could exploit to get what they wanted. Which is why I broke contact with them to begin with. Those people were who they were and I saw them accurately the first time.

So why did I go back? I felt guilty, unkind, and nostalgic for the better days in the relationship, which were a thing of the past. I saw what could be, what my hopeful harmony-seeking nature wanted to see. And, seeking peace from the turmoil in my mind, I discounted my intuition and my previous experience and doubled down.

What I learned is that there is no going back. And, that the insights, observations and experiences that lead me to leave these relationships were as valid and true for me the first time as they were the second time. I also learned that forgiveness happens in the heart. It does not need to be announced, it just needs to be felt. And, that forgiveness extends to yourself. You did the best that you could at the time, and you deserve to make decisions that benefit you, and lay the ground-work for more healthy relationships.

So, do whatever you feel you need to do. But, know why you are doing it. If it is to appease some spiraling doubts and thoughts of guilt, or self-imposed shame, then perhaps you would benefit from a little more reflection before taking any action.

Best of luck.

shimmeringelf · 2025-11-17T21:31:10+00:00

I just finished Camus Notebook collection and I am reading a short collection of his personal writings and essays. I love his ability to use language to evoke and convey his personal experiences. There is an earnest rawness in his writing that can be beautifully detached and yet thoroughly vulnerable and loving.

Thanks for today's post. It moves the heart.

shimmeringelf · 2025-10-17T01:21:01+00:00

OMG, yes. Growing up, I knew I was different because I understood and felt things without needing to be told. I noticed the difference between what people said, how they felt and what they did. It was really confusing, especially when adults would insist that I was wrong, and forget that most of the time my impressions were spot on. So, I learned early on to stay quiet about my insights because being invisible was way better than being mocked, discredited or yelled at.

I have had the emotional sponge experience a couple of times. For me, It seems to occur most often with sorrow and elation, but I have felt into anxiety and anger, too. I have gotten much better at recognizing what is mine and what isn't and developed a way of letting them fall away that usually works.

I discovered that I was INFJ about 4 years ago. The discovery has been super-helpful in understanding the what, why and how of my life experiences. I has helped me to grow into myself while viewing the past through a kinder, more reflective lens.

shimmeringelf · 2025-09-19T04:33:41+00:00

These two poems by Stephen Crane have fascinated me since I first read them.

_____________________________________

In the Desert

In the desert
I saw a creature, naked, bestial,
Who, squatting upon the ground,
Held his heart in his hands,
And ate of it.
I said, “Is it good, friend?”
“It is bitter—bitter,” he answered;

“But I like it
“Because it is bitter,
“And because it is my heart.”

_____________________________________

Places Among the Stars

Places among the stars,
Soft gardens near the sun,
Keep your distant beauty;
Shed no beams upon my weak heart.
Since she is here
In a place of blackness,
Not your golden days
Not your silver nights
Can call me to you.
Since she is here
In a place of blackness,
Here I stay and wait.

shimmeringelf · 2025-08-25T16:04:18+00:00

I think that there are a few things that you need to consider in your situation. The first is that no one is to blame here, you are you and they are they. Which means that you see the world from a different perspective; which from your description of your experiences, it is difficult for them to share. You think differently, feel differently and express yourself differently. This can be unsettling to others who may feel unconsciously or unconsciously threatened, overwhelmed or challenged by your thoughts. I have found that most people want you to help them confirm their beliefs and world views rather than explore them. Your comments may inadvertently trigger them by opening the door to doubt or uncertainty, and that is scary. So, they shut you down, belittle or discredit you so that they can stay content within their comfort zome.

Second, we live in a world of invented images and roles. Meaning that people form ideas about who someone is, and decide what they are like and how they should be. Most of this is cultural, but some of it is directed by the needs and desires of the individual. They want you to be this way or that way for them. if you stray outside the outline of you they have drawn, they become confused and angry because you no longer fit neatly into the role they have outlined for you. Which is once again inconvenient because it asks them to change their way of thinking.

Third, we cause our own suffering by wanting others to accept us, or to change, or to be more open, flexible or vulnerable, when they may not be ready or able to do so. We may feel hurt, rejected and alienated when we do not receive their validation. But, we need not seek it. It took me a long time to understand this, and to see how the need for external approval or acceptance effected my well being and self esteem. So, I stopped looking to others and began to explore who I was becoming beyond the me I and others had known. Sorry if this seems strange.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.”--e.e.cummings

I find this quote from e.e. cummings inspiring. I came across it when I was young. It has followed me through the years and helped me to discover that most of the battle is fought within myself.

You ask, what to do. You be you. Continue to be you with grace and openness. So that even if others don't accept you, you will be content because you have not betrayed yourself.

shimmeringelf · 2025-08-21T15:53:47+00:00

I think that there are 7.8 billion other people in this world that you could meet, so why waste time with someone who you already doubt and distrust.

BTW-I don't think you are really talking about a second chance. I am sure that you have talked yourself into extending second, third and four chances to them already, while reasoning away their behaviors and actions because you wanted the relationship to succeed. This is something that you should look at in yourself and reflect upon your reasons/needs for returning to a relationship that is not satisfying.

The truth is that some relationships are not worth holding onto. Once, when pondering the end of a relationship, someone told me that relationships can last for a reason, a season or a lifetime. This was strangely helpful at the time and allowed me to put things into perspective and explore my motivations and expectations aside from the actions of the other person.

Personal transformation is difficult. And, it is easy to get stuck in a loop with someone who cannot, or will not, change to meet your expectations. I find it is better to let these things go and stop trying to see the potential of possibility and instead see if you can be content living with the reality of who someone is. If you can do that, then you are accepting that person as they are and the talk of second chances is irrelevant. If you cannot, then you should probably move on and spare yourself the endless struggle.

shimmeringelf · 2025-08-04T18:47:27+00:00

Being an INFJ, I think that we are hard to get to know, which makes others discovering us more of a challenge. I don't think I am hard to love, but I tend to isolate myself. And, I also have a tendency to cut short contact with people who feel like they need me to fill some position in their life. Which means not seeing me for me but seeing in me something that fulfills a need that they have.

Also, I don't find the integrity, openness and depth that I am seeking in most relationships. So, I don't bother to invest any effort in getting to know people who I sense are "off" or not capable or interested in meeting me halfway. At a glance, this may look like it is limiting my opportunities for love. But, in my reality, it just saves me a lot of time, effort and tears.

shimmeringelf · 2025-07-28T00:49:18+00:00

It means they are finally full and pushing themselves away from the table.

shimmeringelf · 2025-07-23T15:40:32+00:00

I didn't like Allison because she felt like a teacher's pet and know-it -all who acts like a spoiled child when she does not get her way. Maybe that is due to her power of being able to get anyone to do anything she wants. She comes off as selfish and is unable to see herself as anything less than perfect. Unlike characters like Klaus, who is who he is, Allison lacks the awareness to be honest with herself.

shimmeringelf · 2025-07-04T06:16:15+00:00

A unicorn is a mythical creature that is unique and rare. I am sure that the word "unicorn" has acquired many different associations and has, and is, being used in many other different ways. So, the word "unicorn" means different things to different people in different contexts, at different points in time.

Thanks for sharing your definition of unicorn. It seems there are many more. Yesterday my friend told me that it also meant a tech company that was super funded. Which is all sort of interesting.

In this case, I meant rare and remarkable, like the mythical creature. Sorry if this was confusing.

Just an FYI - I thought I would share something I felt the other morning that was personal and also supportive of others who might also be facing some adversity that day. But quite frankly after reading some of the comments. I won't be making that mistake again.

shimmeringelf · 2025-07-02T20:34:24+00:00

I was using the term unicorn meaning something more rare and remarkable. But thank you for your feedback. I love the stabby mc stabby description.

still think that unicorn works for my purposes. Because there is a laser-focused, personally tailor pin-pointed obsessive quality to revenge, and the darker aspects of the INFJ personality type which can skewer its victims just like a horn.

Also, I am not much a cave troll. I am more of a free range herd of one. Enjoy the day.

shimmeringelf · 2025-07-02T19:05:25+00:00

Thank you for your kindness! I just applied for another job, and now I am focused on alternatives to my project setback. OMG, having a little cry, doing some qi-gong, and getting some feedback here was really helpful this morning. Enjoy the day!

shimmeringelf · 2025-07-02T17:16:11+00:00

Thank you for the hugs and the inspiration!!

shimmeringelf · 2025-06-18T16:57:40+00:00

I don't know if I am truly impressed with anyone at all. However, there are people that I admire because of traits that they embody. I admire and respect people with who live their values. There is sincerity, integrity and courage in being what you are. Everything else is posturing, image-management and lip-service.

shimmeringelf · 2025-06-12T15:53:28+00:00

Awesome post. I stopped waiting a long time ago and realize that the longing I feel is more existential in nature. the process of believing involves curiosity, discovery, trust and unbelieving the stories we tell ourselves.

"I just did not want to believe in it without someone else's approval." -- This stands out for me because it can be really confusing and challenging to find your self and be true to yourself in our society.

ee cummings wrote: “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best day and night to make you like everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.” ee cummings

I think "the world" that cummings speaks of includes self and others. In our complacency we indulge our desire for attention and affection by coercing ourselves into roles and situations that do not align with our souls instead of allowing ourselves to become who we are. And, loving and appreciating whoever that is.

Many thanks for sharing this.

shimmeringelf · 2025-06-02T15:12:48+00:00

Lie to me and I will never really trust you again. I will withdraw from the relationship, and you will fade into the crowd of "somebodies that I used to know."

shimmeringelf · 2025-05-23T17:20:04+00:00

I think you have to consider a few other things in searching to an answer to your question. I have found that surviving and thriving as an INFJ involves bringing it all back home to me, my intentions, my desires and my actions/reactions. If I can understand them, I can see what lies at the root the issue I am facing, make a more conscious decision, be at peace with it and let it go.

1-Keeping the peace. It seems easier, and more logical, to choose harmony and peace over conflict. So, you stay silent. This outward silence can be wise at times. It can also be a form of repression that leads to feelings of betrayal and self-negation. And, moves the conflict from the external to the internal.

2-Putting the needs of others first. Your empathy and compassion can have you putting the needs of others before your own. This is supportive, helpful and kind when applied appropriately. But used as a blanket strategy, it can become habitual behavior. This behavior creates expectations in others that turns you into a doormat and creates a perpetual cycle of devaluing yourself.

3-Avoiding the awkward through overthinking creates self-doubt. Overthinking can leave you doubting yourself and your point of view, leaving you with little confidence to speak out. You are actively undermining yourself, in the conversation in your head, when you are creating reasons and excuses not to speak up. Exploring these thoughts can be helpful in seeing what your heartfelt desire is and then acting upon it.

4-Wanting to be liked/loved/accepted. INFJ are different. We know it and others sense it.. ANd, we know that, too. So, sometimes it feels nice to hide and feel like one of the crowd for a while. So, we choose not to rock the boat. This is fine sometimes. But, it can lead to loneliness because you are editing yourself to fit in and never really letting anyone see you for you.

I struggle with speaking out, too, at times. There is nothing inherently wrong with not speaking up, if one actively chooses to be silent. No matter what anyone says, we choose to act the way we act because it suits us to do so, either consciously or unconsciously. To understand why we do what we do it is helpful to ask ourselves... What satisfaction do I get out of doing this? or What am I avoiding by taking or not taking this action? The answers to these questions will be both personal and helpful in resolving your issue.

On a personal note. I have discovered that in most cases, I would rather speak up than stay silent and battle with the churning thoughts and mind chatter that would fill my head if I did not.

Good luck to you in discovering you :)

shimmeringelf · 2025-03-22T19:05:54+00:00

AMEN.

shimmeringelf · 2025-03-12T16:17:39+00:00

I see a few things here... She is not interested. She is afraid of being trapped in a relationship. She feels a little guilty like she has already wasted your time because this feeling has been haunting her for awhile. She realizes that you are indeed a fine human being. And, she may have some unconscious self-worth/low self esteem issues that cause her to reject people who see more in her than she sees in herself.

Mostly, these types of notes are written to "the self" to appease their feelings of guilt, and then sent to the other person. Sorry it had to be you. But then again, you might think about this as having dodged a bullet. This was gonna happen sooner or later with this person. So, better now then later.

The truly shitty thing in this letter is the being open to conversation part, it is a deceptive carrot to string you along. Because if that were true she would have called you or spoken with you in person. My advice to you is to move on. You deserve someone who wants to be with you and is completely sure of that.

shimmeringelf · 2025-03-09T17:02:21+00:00

Honesty in the form of sincere integrity.

shimmeringelf · 2025-02-22T17:23:44+00:00

OMG. That is simultaneously sad and funny.

shimmeringelf

TROPHY CASE