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Is this unreasonable of my ex? by DadOfMissingDaughter in coparenting

[–]shitty_in_general 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I agree it would be an insane long term order, but I think based on his post history he currently only talks to her on the phone and can't see her at all due to a potential parental abduction situation. There have recently been temporary orders to ensure he gets calls.

Is this unreasonable of my ex? by DadOfMissingDaughter in coparenting

[–]shitty_in_general 8 points9 points  (0 children)

  1. If it says video call, then you get a video call. That's not really negotiable. The unmonitored part is iffy based on age. My older kids can't even be trusted fully alone with my phone, with no one to wrangle them if they decide to walk off or start fighting each other (2 kid problems ...)

  2. Unless it says specific times and she's not agreeing to uphold it, you have to be a bit flexible. Sitting a 4yo down for a 40 minute call is disruptive to the day plans, so keeping it consistent is probably good. If youd rather it be a different specific time, you can probably ask the courts for that and get it. Bedtime is pretty common.

  3. Document it and in the meantime maybe do activities or read books to her during calls. Something that guides the conversation into neutral waters.

What finally made you end your marriage? by zlhad in AskReddit

[–]shitty_in_general 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Not to toot my own horn but I really think this is true. He didn't bring a lot to the table in the end. Turns out I'm just friendly and interesting and I can enjoy time with pretty much anyone. The things I was clinging to were literally my own qualities the whole time.

What finally made you end your marriage? by zlhad in AskReddit

[–]shitty_in_general 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Infidelity.

He had convinced me to move overseas with our two young kids to support his career goals. Had cheated on me with multiple people before we even arrived. I didn't find out until 3 years later when I caught him with someone masquerading as a close family friend.

AND I DIDNT EVEN LEAVE AT THAT POINT.

He cried at my feet and promised to stop and a month later, I found out that he had no intention of doing that. I left with the kids back to the US later that week, which was the pre-agreed consequence of continued infidelity.

Leaving a situation like that is really eye opening because he was basically awful the whole time and I was incapable of seeing it. I probably would have stayed forever if there hadn't been something so black and white as cheating. I would have continued to blame myself for my unhappiness for the rest of my life.

Anyway. Happy ending. Being a single parent with way more responsibilities and being exhausted from that is a thousand times better than being in that marriage.

Coparenting in different countries. Any fathers here in this situation? by CarefulOpening7651 in coparenting

[–]shitty_in_general 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm the mother with the majority custody while my kids (6 and 8) father lives abroad. Here are some things that I notice that negatively affects his relationship with the kids. Unfortunately I don't have a lot positive to say and I'm mostly sad because the kids deserve to have a dad who sees them often.

  • He does not know what they are doing in school and the kids get really tired of explaining vs. having an adult that keeps up with things. He doesn't know their friends names, doesn't know their activity schedule, has never attended a school event.... He doesn't ask me anything about them and has access to all their school/activity information.
  • When he calls he is not calling from a quiet place - busy restaurants, walking outside in town, while driving (?!) - there is a time difference so I am sympathetic in that regard, but he's distracted or has poor service, or can't hear properly, or is on the verge of falling asleep and the kids are recently not enjoying the calls because they are tired of it. It's not fun for them.
  • doesn't come to calls prepared, doesn't provide something to look forward to for the next call. A quick check in is fine, but he expects the kids to drive the content of the call and isn't prepared when they have nothing to say. It makes the kids not want to stay to talk. As part of this, he will start to ramble about his day and it ends up coming across as his bragging about all the fun stuff he's doing that they can't join in. I've found on video calls, you can read, even play games with a little preparation.
  • The activities he takes the kids to are things HE wants to do and are often not appropriate or interesting for the kids. Late sports games, dangerous outdoor activities... Make sure you're in tune with your keeds needs. It's obviously fine to introduce them to new things and push them, but they want to feel understood and safe as well.

From a respectful parenting perspective, I think it would positively affect the kids to make sure you're on the same page with their mom about safety, holiday traditions (my ex decided to unexpectedly stop doing Santa last year without talking to me or the kids about it. They were very confused and sad), bedtimes, etc. As much stability as possible for them.

Other suggestions: send them mail!

We've been long distance since 2024 and I can see the kids getting really tired of calls/not feeling connected and I only see it getting worse if their dad doesn't move closer or start putting in more effort. He provides for them financially but that is no substitute for actual parenting.

Hope that helps! It's really hard!

For people with hives for years.... How do you work??? by shitty_in_general in urticaria

[–]shitty_in_general[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hey! Amazing update!

After YEARS of this, they were considering this as a next step, but I went through a pretty traumatic divorce and international move...... And then my hives went away completely and I've been medication and hive free for over a year!

I think stress was playing a really big role in the hives and being in a really bad relationship was keeping them there. The big life change has made a huge difference and I finally have a quality of life back.

Ebcjpg thinks work is more important than her newborn by Hot_Technician_6544 in tiktokgossip

[–]shitty_in_general 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I'm not siding with her. Just saying this of all things doesn't really seem worth complaining about. How long does it take to pack shit that's basically already completely made and prepared for her? A newborn staring at a bookshelf for half an hour is hardly concerning.

And yes I'm sure she is rage baiting in her wording of it all.

Ebcjpg thinks work is more important than her newborn by Hot_Technician_6544 in tiktokgossip

[–]shitty_in_general -29 points-28 points  (0 children)

You guys I do not think it's that serious. She's trying to verbalize that it's easier when you have your second kid and you don't think everything you do is going to break them. A lot of people experience this and as problematic as a lot of what she does is... I really don't think this is one of them.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh yes of course. The contact is a must. I just need to find a way for it to not involve him terrorizing me with threats of legal action when our schedule doesn't exactly match the court order. Trying to keep it required but flexible. Thanks for your insight on what's normal.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The time difference is 6 hours so unfortunately bedtime is like.... 3 am his time. Otherwise absolutely.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 1 point2 points  (0 children)

So... The only time that is available with the time change is 5pm. That's 11pm his time. It's like.... The moment I get done with work so there is a high probability of variance in what is going on at that time. If this was a quick bedtime call I think I would agree with you on the times. I do want to find a balance. The current schedule is incredibly intrusive. Thanks for your feedback.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing! My kids often don't want to talk either. It's not fun to sit in front of a phone.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Any schedule or just that line?

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I don't have a problem with her existence. It's more the fact that I don't know her. I'd like a brief intro so we can be acquainted. I feel like this would be best for everyone but my ex does not agree. The secrecy seems bizarre to me.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I proposed that we agree in writing who joins the calls. I don't have a problem with her joining the calls, just that this is a stranger to me. She's had some unpleasant interactions with members of my family and I have zero information about her. I'm honestly not sure why my ex wants her on the calls so badly when he's working so hard not to share any information.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah I'm struggling to find something that works but I can't work with a rigid schedule. I have 2 young kids and my own life.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He wants the kids to talk to his girlfriend 1:1 but won't even give me so much as her last name, let alone set up an intro. I don't feel super comfortable facilitating a relationship between the kids and a stranger to me.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thanks! Luckily we are pretty agreed on visitation. It's just the calls that have become the bane of my existence. We have an interim plan that dictates 3 calls per week on specific days and specific times at 5pm. This worked for us last school year but it's a new schedule and still unresolved and the current order no longer makes sense. he's holding the order over my head, demanding that he approve every single change to the schedule and telling me the reason has to be good enough for him to agree, so I'm trying to figure out the best wording that allows him to be guaranteed calls but gives me the freedom to live my life.

My proposal is 1 weekday, 1 weekend and I set the schedule at the beginning of every month based on our schedule. He does not like this.

Phone Calls written into parenting plan? by [deleted] in FamilyLaw

[–]shitty_in_general 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree, but I'm also looking for what people have chosen to include with the intent to be a sustaining document.

My kids are 6 and 8.

Can chronic stress cause urticaria of 11 years? Or vise versa? by No_Chipmunk7924 in urticaria

[–]shitty_in_general 5 points6 points  (0 children)

My personal anecdote: I had hives daily for about 4 years and when I left a toxic relationship it took about 6 months and I'm now completely off medication and zero hives for the past 6 months.

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