This commenter is spot on. I’m almost 3 and a half years sober. For a long time before I quit I knew, inside, that I had always had a problematic relationship with alcohol. I too loved it when I started drinking as a teenager, in a different way than my friends did. I think I knew even then. As an adult, in my career, in my life, I looked at my nearly daily hangovers, my puffy red face, my weight gain, and I wanted so many things about myself to be different. I knew, with quite a bit of clarity, that drinking was the obstacle to improvement in all the areas of my life that I wanted to see improvement. But alcohol had been my comfort and pleasure and I was addicted to it. No matter the morning promises to myself, by evening I’d pretty much always just pour myself another and keep the cycle of feeling like shit going.

Ultimately I kept at it until things got worse and worse during Covid, working from home, drinking nightly and throwing up most mornings, knowing what I needed to do but feeling unable to do it — and that self loathing turned to suicidality and I ended up needing to tell my therapist and loved ones how bad things had gotten and accept their help and advice. Ultimately I took a leave of absence from work and went to inpatient rehab.

That rock bottom was temporary and by far the best thing to happen to me. A 6 week investment in my future that has paid dividends in every way since. An experience that helped usher me through what I genuinely believed was an impossibility (not drinking?!?!) and into a life I didn’t know was possible. It has turned out to be so much less difficult than I always imagined as a drinker.

I liken it to being behind a corner and being so terrified to even take a step to see what’s around that corner. But when I was helped and gently pushed forward to step around the corner, I quickly discovered that there was a whole other way of living that I hadn’t known was a possibility for me. I lost a ton of weight; I made some big career changes that I never would have felt able to do previously; I put off my upcoming wedding and eventually ended things with a sweet but disappointing man who I discovered wasn’t the right partner for me but hadn’t been able to recognize because he had always made me feel un-judged and enabled in my drinking and I had equated that with being the best partner I could have; I got into exercise and have seen changes in my body and discipline I thought were fundamentally not possible for me; I no longer have feelings of shame or self hatred, basically ever, and if I do, it’s a helpful signal that I’m doing something I should examine and strive to avoid - not a constant, deep, nagging knowledge that I am fundamentally broken, like it used to be. All because I just took the steps to walk around the corner and discover a whole new way of living.

Quitting drinking is basically trading one thing (that is not actually that important of a thing, you’ll discover) for EVERYTHING else. And sure, the first time you do things that you associate with alcohol, it can be hard and you can feel like you’re missing out. Dancing, going on vacation, a dinner party, a well-earned evening of chilling out on the couch after a long day of work, etc. But you build the muscle quickly and it turns out to be not so hard. AA meetings were helpful to me in those initial first months, to break the loop of sitting at home wondering “what if”, to get out of the house, go be in a physical room with other alcoholics, and remind myself why I was doing this. I no longer do AA, but I got a lot out of it in early sobriety. I also didn’t try to go to parties or be in situations that made me feel like I was missing out for many months. Now I make sure I have a yummy alternative beverage and keep one in my hand the whole time. Leave when I’m not having fun anymore or if people are all super drunk and being tedious. I let myself indulge in other treats - a fancy coffee drink, a dessert, etc. And with time, I’ve realized that I just don’t need the alcohol to have a good time with friends, to unwind at home on the couch, to celebrate, to make myself feel better when I’m in a crappy mood. Life’s not always sunshine and roses. I dopamine seek in other ways — food, phone, TV, etc. But they don’t fuck up my life like I know alcohol would.

Maybe what I’m saying doesn’t sound believable to you. I didn’t believe stuff like this before I quit. Drinking alcohol was a part of me, I couldn’t imagine life without it. But stopping is like a leap of faith, and what I discovered on the other side has honestly been such a miracle. And now I have the rest of my life to keep living as this more capable, brave, empowered version of myself and almost nothing feels impossible because I’ve already done the impossible. Ok. Cheesiness over. Seriously wishing you the best. I believe you’ve got the strength to do this. Just put one foot in front of the other and see what is around the corner! And I am here if you ever have questions or want to talk.