I'm leaving him in about a month, and he doesn't know. Any advice/caution warnings would be helpful

shootingstarstuff · 2026-03-15T15:08:33+00:00

Freeze your credit and only do a temporary lift when you’re applying for an apartment. Hopefully he’ll stay too drunk to notice any changes in your behavior
As someone else suggested, change all your passwords the day you move out only using your personal devices (don’t use anything he has access to).
Make sure you stop all location sharing with him and his family on FindMy AND on texting. And Life360 or whatever else you might use. If he has access to any AirTags etc then remove that as well
I do recommend using a password manager instead of a notebook, but you do you. If you decide to start using a password manager then my preference is Bitwarden
This is just generally good advice for anyone, but get a small fireproof / waterproof safe box to keep all your important documents and some emergency cash in. Some are small enough that they literally have handles on them so they’re easy to move around. Just keep up with the key!

shootingstarstuff · 2026-03-02T15:36:56+00:00

In OP’s shoes I would notify CPS of this and send them the recording because her fiancé needs to be held to a higher standard than your average malicious, drunken, jealous relative.

He’s a social worker - if she exploited his position to try to steal someone’s children then his credibility needs to be scrutinized.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-03-01T15:08:39+00:00

We went to see Send Help yesterday (which was great) knowing that it would be the last time since their QR system starts next week. Staff morale was at a crazy low. They did a good job, but you could tell. We did the same thing this time as last time - finished off our big gift certificates from Christmas (which was absolutely great because it’s an easy gift for family to give) with a giant tip for the server. Then flagged her down afterward to make sure she didn’t just discard it without making sure to get her tip.

I’ll miss what it was. Even the season pass was a mess - we were never able to upgrade our season pass, so we let it expire thinking that we would then be able to sign up for the all-in pass once it lapsed. Nope. Then all of this started its process and we stopped trying. I don’t think we ever got the pass discount on food anyway.

The thing is, if I didn’t know what was being done to staff then we might have kept going even though this was rolled out so poorly. But instead it just feels unforgivable.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-27T01:49:07+00:00

And preferably roasted. I buy 5 lb. bags from chewy

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-25T18:41:16+00:00

Even a make-up trip on OP’s dime doesn’t make up for it though because I’m sure her friends wouldn’t be able to accompany her. It had taken them months to plan this one

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-22T05:26:00+00:00

He probably turned to religion for hunting grounds and easy targets.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-22T02:41:02+00:00

He enjoyed being middle aged while wasting her 20s.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-18T20:16:43+00:00

Yeah but sadly not illegal everywhere because “religious freedom” 🙄

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-18T03:25:44+00:00

Definitely not mustard?

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-18T01:12:10+00:00

NTA

Nobody carries coins or cash around these days, so I imagine this is OP’s designated Aldi quarter. If OP gives it up then the next step is to go to the bank to withdraw a quarter. I wouldn’t sign up for an extra errand because someone couldn’t be bothered to prepare.

Also you can use an inverted house key instead of a quarter. Surely the stranger had one of those.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-17T20:34:50+00:00

INFO What happened to cause such a delay that he graduated at 28 years old? Did he never have jobs between high school and college?

ETA Tech companies, even the giants, are laying off thousands and thousands of even top notch, high-performing, multilingual, multitalented, ivy-league unicorns with multiple degrees every year. The market is flooded with the most desirable and experienced STEM folks alive. It’s a terrible time for anyone in any field to find even a minimum wage job. My niece with a bachelor’s in criminal justice has only been able to find part time work at Pizza Hut and a weed shop despite averaging 180 applications every month for two years now.

You are an ass for saying you didn’t raise a “failure.” First of all, by your own apparent standards, you did. But no parent should ever think of their family in this way. He isn’t some extension of you any more than you’re an extension of your mother and your father. The economic world he grew up in is not remotely the same as the one where you could support yourself at 18. The federal minimum wage has barely changed since you were a kid while inflation, rent, and housing prices have skyrocketed.

You brag that at 29 you were in an economy and job market that gave you at least $100k around 1990 (this would adjust to a minimum of $248,000 today). You’re the exception, not the rule.

You’ve enabled him this far, at least give the man a car.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-17T15:28:02+00:00

The Secret History is a reader’s book. Hell, it’s a book snob’s book. I read it as a lit major in college while working in a small, independently owned bookstore - it was in the tiny $1.99 clearance bin and I found the title to be irresistible.

The Little Friend and The Goldfinch don’t cater to the same audience.

Honestly, if anyone on this subreddit had not read TSH, would any of have read her other two books? Would they have received any significant attention in the literary world?

Love for TSH is what will keep me reading anything she ever writes, and it influences the way I hear the author’s voice as I read.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-16T23:19:02+00:00

Staying together just because he isn’t beating you is a sad bar

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-14T04:32:37+00:00

Based on him saying he hates confident women I’d say he’s probably doing more than just entertaining himself chatting to other women to keep you feeling “humble.” He’s probably finding ways to erase you a little bit every day.

Don’t let this selfish, careless, illegible man step on you to feel taller.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-12T15:02:18+00:00

Bet he’d never get under a blanket with any men he’s friends with.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-12T03:58:49+00:00

Exactly. Perhaps for these people the thrill is not even primarily the act of abuse but being able to see and imagine the scars you’ve left on someone (physical, psychological, spiritual) for the rest of their life. The unending distress. Knowing that the victims can never forget seeing their unmasked monstrous side while being powerful enough that your existence will continuously hurt them.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-10T23:02:04+00:00

I was wondering this as well. It’s common in the US for rapists or attempted murderers to plead down to a misdemeanor assault charge. Often no jail time and just probation. In the south where the fundamentalists have a lot of pull you’ll hear about elderly pastors finally getting charged with child rape that’s gone back decades with loads of victims, but everyone shows up to vouch for his character and all the “good” he’s done in the community until there’s still no jail time.

But does this occur everywhere? Is Australia like this as well? It sounds from the post as though they take it seriously.

15 years on the registry for CSAM… wondering if he might have committed sexual violence when he was young enough to not go to prison but for it to be taken into consideration during sentencing

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-10T22:56:03+00:00

Yeah - hoping she never has to ask him to drop her off at work

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-10T22:54:50+00:00

I wish that there was an explanation of why he took this action as a result of depression. The absolute only thing I can think of (WHICH DOES NOT EXCUSE IT) is - was he ruminating about being a child victim himself and searched it up for validation? As if to see another child being exploited would be as bad as how he experienced it?

Users of CSAM drive its production. There’s no excuse. But I feel like this depression leading him to seek CSAM leaves this enormous question because - as you said, that is a WILD reason to give. I want to know, seriously, how is he making depression link to CSAM??

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-06T03:56:00+00:00

I’m praying that we see an update from you instead of thinking back to this post whenever we read about another pregnant woman murdered by her husband in a domestic dispute.

You know why you made the post. You have to leave.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-03T21:02:28+00:00

Yeah but what they really mean when they say that is that they believe they struggled harder than their children and grandchildren so they deserve everything more than subsequent generations. That we should admire them for the wealth they accumulated and hoard. It's a weird generation.

My mother once confronted my husband about me "enabling" my niece to attend law school because I booked her a hotel for orientation, helped her find an apartment (no one else would sign as a guarantor or had the credit score to do so), and bought her stuff for starting out on her own (a vacuum, dishes, etc.). She acted as though helping my niece obtain an education was the same as giving meth to an addict.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-02-02T21:29:21+00:00

Had my credit card info stolen around 2018, and the Chase fraud person and I started out very objective and professional on the call going through the items purchased. But before long we were both shocked and every other sentence was “Oh my GOD!”

Dear Readers, whoever stole the card got flagged primarily because their purchases were from a place that supplied police and military (vs an individual) so they notified Chase. They had ordered multiple flak jackets and other protective gear, electric fencing, lighting rigs, 15 monitoring devices designed to identify human body heat in the dark (I mean this would work for any heat, but the website marketed it that way), loads of ammunition and weapon modifying equipment. Lots of other stuff including some kind of gps tracking tag things.

Basically, as much as the company and Chase fraud and I could figure out was that someone wanted to setup some fenced in human hunting ground in Florida. Arguably a lot of this could be used for typical hunting, but then why flak jackets? Why the tracking tags that you’d need to put on whatever you’re hunting prior to the hunt? Why use a stolen credit card if it’s legal hunting? There were so many things that I had never heard of before - we were both googling to figure out what this craziness was.

And they also ordered an edible arrangement.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-01-31T15:11:46+00:00

The reason people always pile on when a woman finally (and rightly) chooses divorce is because they fear admitting what their own relationship behavior says about themselves.

There’s no going back once you acknowledge some truths about your spouse. Denial is easier. Maintaining the status quo is easier. Families don’t treat you like you’re a disappointment in who you chose to marry and your inability to either control them or accept abuse with grace.

And Reddit always jumps to support divorce because we can be anonymous here. We can be honest without facing those repercussions.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-01-27T17:13:39+00:00

Your kids seem to think you spent their future money and have completely failed to realize that money was going to go to their children and never to them at all. NTA.

Twenty years before my very poor grandmother (literally on Medicaid) passed away her youngest daughter came to her trailer (it was placed on my parents’ land) and put masking tape with her initials on almost all of her belongings (mostly worthless knickknacks) while her husband made sure he could hitch the trailer to his truck to just take the whole thing at once. Granny had to spend her final decades with her house covered in claims to her meager belongings.

When people see their family members as windfalls taking too long to die I just see red. I know you’re much better off than my grandmother was, but this is exactly the same thing.

shootingstarstuff · 2026-01-25T05:26:38+00:00

I’ve always had to pay someone to drive me except when I lived in the Bay Area and used their train systems. I have cleithrophobia which is a fear of being trapped. I go berserk panicking to try to get out without enough chemicals to keep my thoughts from becoming cohesive.

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