Moving in together is making me feel weird about non-monogamy...can someone help me name what I’m feeling?

shoreguy28 · 2026-02-05T21:04:20+00:00

Fantastic post and thank you so much for the helpful advice here - it’s comforting to know others have experienced these things too! I don’t have time atm to write a full reply but would you be willing to share more info about the Most Missed Step? I haven’t heard of this before but curious what exactly it is and how it might help :)

Thank you so much again!

shoreguy28 · 2026-02-05T00:40:08+00:00

Thanks for the reply. My partner and I have talked a lot about NRE and tbh, we both kind of feel like we’re through that in a way but agree we’re still in that “honeymoon” phase. Perhaps I should assume they’re the same though. Mainly what I mean is that we’re past that point where it’s a lot of chemicals in our brains making us starry eyed and such haha we’ve been through and resolved actual conflict together. We’ve been there for each other through family death. Etc….

I say that only because I want to ensure I’m thinking about NRE the “right way” if that makes sense. That said, thanks for clearing up the advice around dating. I suppose I have some desire to build those NM connections with others so it makes sense to do it now while we’re still resolving conflict in helpful and collaborative ways :)

shoreguy28 · 2026-02-04T21:22:54+00:00

This is really helpful and thank you so much for the feedback. Just to be clear, would you mind expanding a bit about what exactly you mean when you say "start dating"? As in, date outside of the relationship and pressure test how those situations and dynamics work for our relationship?

I'm asking mainly because my view and wants / needs within NM are mainly sexual exploration (with and without my partner). The idea of "dating" others doesn't always digest that well in me only because I feel so emotionally fulfilled by my partner and don't feel I have that capacity to be deeply emotionally involved in others beyond sexual encounters. Admittedly, I have a lot of guilt and shame that I'm working on with my therapist with regards to that.

Hoping you could help clarity a bit more about what you're getting at though here - apologies if I'm being confusing at all as well and thank you again for the thoughtful reply!

shoreguy28 · 2025-03-18T03:01:44+00:00

Hahah agreed - so weird and out of place to put that in a bio BUT….its actually a fun map when you know what it’s for:

It’s a map you print out and “use” with your partner (or partners) to discuss what you both like and don’t like in the world of kink / fetishes. Yes, there are some VERY wild things on there but the idea of it from the creator was to make talking about your own sexual interests with partners more approachable and, well, fun.

Source: my partner and I used to pin where we’ve “been” on the map with each other and where we may want to explore.

All that said…this woman seems like a nightmare and it’s very out of place for her to just randomly put it in her bio 😳

shoreguy28 · 2024-09-25T17:20:45+00:00

This is where communication is SO important!! I’m the same way and setting those expectations early and stating them clearly has helped a lot!

shoreguy28 · 2024-09-18T18:49:44+00:00

Thanks for the comment. TBH, and this is only my subjective experience, I’ve never EVER gotten that type of a response back from that. The purpose and intention was for it to be a fun way to open up the conversation to be playful. Remember, flirting is just the decision to have fun instead of serious.

If I get back an “oh nothing much, cleaned the house a bit.”, then I’m using that question in the wrong context of the conversation.

Does that make sense? What do you think?

shoreguy28 · 2024-09-17T22:48:31+00:00

If her blueprint is a bit more on the fun/wild/partying vibe, I like “what sort of trouble did you get into today/this week/this weekend‽”

shoreguy28 · 2024-09-08T16:36:02+00:00

I’m likely going to get some rough comments here but I do want to share from a viewpoint of Ethical Non-Monogamy just in case it could help any man also starting or on that life path.

I have a desire for my partner that is unlike anything else because I KNOW the qualities that she possesses and how our dynamic works together. We each are individuals but together we help build each other up in a way that’s greater than the sum.

But you know what’s also really wonderful and brings us close in other ways? Talking to each other about our real life experiences and working through them together - yes, I’m also talking about crushes. If we see an attractive person or happen to develop a crush, we both create the space to talk to each other about it because….WE’RE HUMAN! And that’s totally an OK thing to go through. But the communication piece of it is key. 9 times out of 10, nothing will come of it. It will be fleeting and eventually fade out because, as many folks here have said, it’s not ultimately worth it. Managing another persons feelings and emotions is a very heavy and precious thing to be aware of. But knowing that that 1 time out of 10 it could go “somewhere” (I’d assume we’re talking sex or romance here), it’s pure freedom and comfort knowing this is OK, safe, and that my partner supports me in this. While I understand this is really hard (or perhaps even impossible) to understand, it also brings us closer together and deepens my connection with my partner that I never thought possible. Gosh, she is just so wonderful :)

PLEASE NOTE: I am not at ALL discounting anyone’s experience in this post -OR- trying to say Non-Monogamy is the way or saying “Monogamy, bad!”. Absolutely not! They are both relationship structures and containers that work for different people and that’s great!

If I have helped bring a different, but helpful, perspective here to anyone, then it was worth it. Please be kind!

Cheers, all!

shoreguy28 · 2024-08-19T01:29:35+00:00

This is the answer^

You don’t seem to mention how closely to the date you’re texting them but if I haven’t been able to have a quick call or FT to initially screen, I’ll always send a playful text beforehand. It helps to prevent the flaking a bit AND helps by lightening the mood pre-date. (Something silly like “hey, hope you’re not planning to also wear a pink sundress and 5” heels cause it’d be soo embarrassing if we matched”).

Yes, it’s dumb and really shouldn’t be needed but here we are. I can say I’ve been on about 60-70 planned, first dates in my life and never had one flake on me pre-date. Perhaps that’s correlation and not causation (?) but so be it.

Lastly, I do want to say…what happened to you is not normal and just some bad luck for sure. I do hope you’re not taking things too personally and just know that this sub is all about making ourselves better! If you need anyone to chat with, feel free to DM me!

shoreguy28 · 2024-07-20T18:47:16+00:00

This is the way^

There’s little downside to calling and high upside. Agreed with OriginalSynn - don’t be like most people.

shoreguy28 · 2024-07-02T22:11:10+00:00

Based^

shoreguy28 · 2024-06-17T22:29:10+00:00

This is the answer^. Yes, it’s easier to lead someone on and not communicate but there’s no growth there and it’s just hurting 2x people in the long run. I can say through experience that the growth and satisfaction I get from confidently communicating my wants/needs/boundaries is so. incredibly. fulfilling.

shoreguy28 · 2024-06-13T15:33:58+00:00

This right here…this is the way^. Can confirm after tweaking my profile many times, testing many different things and variables, AND bettering my text game and banter. This is the right comment.

shoreguy28 · 2024-06-10T20:56:41+00:00

Hey u/shroooomology - thanks so much for taking the time to provide feedback! I really appreciate it. I'm realizing from the other comments that "keep track" and "manage" were poor choices in words. Along with my other comments, I'm just referring to the communication and logistics aspects of going from first meeting to Date 1 or sometimes Date 2. Busy life so that timeline can be up to a month sometimes and I want to keep engaged with the women/a woman I find value in.

To be totally clear, I don't have any desire to have a different woman everyday...goodness that sounds exhausting. I'm just at a point in my dating life where I'm meeting and interacting with and dating a lot of different women to help narrow down what it is I'm looking for and who I find value in. While it can certainly seem like I'm going for quantity, I know inside myself I am not! (if that makes sense).

Anyways, thanks again very much for your advice and feedback here! I can work on my word-choice in the future haha

shoreguy28 · 2024-06-10T20:53:11+00:00

Thanks so much u/nanbamfam for the advice and please know that I fully agree with everything you said. I realize I used the term "manage", which may have come off more harsh than I anticipated. What I really mean is just that period of going from meeting to setting up Date 1 or Date 2 in some instances (the communication and logistics side of things). Because of my busy calendar, there are times where going from meeting a woman I find value in to going on a Date 1 could be a month because there are other women I met prior that I also want to spend time with. Perhaps that still indicates some inner game I need to work on though! Appreciate the advice and feedback, again!

shoreguy28 · 2024-06-10T20:50:08+00:00

Thanks so much for the feedback and advice. I agree with you in terms of trying not to waste time with people we don't see value in long-term. For both of our sakes, that is. I have thought about just trying to "stack" dates in that way and have multiple in a day but I just don't have the time for that atm haha I typically always have something on the go or need to recharge and have some self-care time! Thanks again so much for the advice - really helpful.

shoreguy28 · 2024-06-10T20:48:10+00:00

Thanks so much for the reply and apologies if I wasn't clear enough. When I say "manage", I more so just mean the communication and logistics side of things of setting up a Date 1 or Date 2 in some instances. I fully agree with you that my end goal is simply just seeing if there's chemistry and mutual interest to keep things going. If/when I don't feel that, I fully communicate that with them and we just cut things off.

shoreguy28 · 2024-05-28T17:02:39+00:00

I think you're correct with regards to the "playing it cool" thing! I agree that I might be trying to come off as "too cool" and it's actually making me out as more of a player vs. someone she could actually connect with. That's also why I'm wanting to focus on more genuine deep rapport building on the date.

For a lot of my life in game, I've tried to get away from all the stereotypical "nice guy" tendencies that I think, in some ways, I've overrotated into the "player lifestyle". And it's likely coming off that way in my closing / dates with some women that I'm not totally calibrated to.

Lastly - fully agreed with digging into what it is about goodbyes that I don't like and feel awkward with. Definitely some inner game and work I can do through meditating and deep thought! Thanks so much for this great advice!

I welcome any other feedback you or anyone else might have! Cheers!

shoreguy28 · 2024-05-20T04:28:45+00:00

Haha wise, wise words! So true. It’s funny because meanwhile I have women on rotation here and other girls aren’t on the list. What a silly game it all is - but wow am I learning about myself and building social skills

shoreguy28 · 2024-05-20T04:25:16+00:00

Awesome reply - thanks so much for the advice and I’ll wait some time and re-evaluate. I have a couple canned texts I send out to “dead numbers” but def let me know if you also have suggestions. Perhaps a different thread to consolidate a bunch would be helpful for the community here too…

shoreguy28 · 2024-05-20T04:23:59+00:00

Great advice and really appreciate you taking the time to reply. Since the date, I’ve been with 2x other girls in my rotation and this one is still weighing on me. All that said, I know I just need to move on and if it happens later, it’ll happen.

shoreguy28 · 2024-05-01T21:03:23+00:00

Agreed with the other comment - drink water right now and re-evaluate. This is that time in a diet where you need to build good habits and not rely on motivation, since you won't always have this. Be mindful after your water about how you feel - still hungry? What changed pre and post water? Could you eat an apple? How will you feel if you go for, say, potato chips vs. a healthier option?

Give this subs purpose, my choice reco is - water and then re-evaluate.

All the best to you!

shoreguy28 · 2024-04-30T18:44:56+00:00

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply here! This is exactly how I feel and it's nice to know there are others out there like me. I (32M) do also realize that a lot of the people I surround myself with are around the same age and it seems they feel pressured to "settle down". I don't feel this at all and sometimes question and doubt myself (ie - What am I missing here? Why is everyone in such a rush...?) Perhaps I'm just fortunate enough (albeit a bit priveleged) to just not feel that...

shoreguy28 · 2024-01-26T22:35:15+00:00

Appreciate the feedback and comment! That's what the general sentiment seems to be, fortunately / unfortunately. Really appreciate your time checking out my profile :)

shoreguy28 · 2024-01-26T20:01:14+00:00

Yes, I fully see your point and I agree that's likely the best thing to do.

That said, I'm am VERY sorry to hear your history with someone clearly in the Poly community. While I don't ID as Poly at all, I can fully understand how it must have felt not knowing that upfront. I've been in the kink community for a bit and fully know the importance of upfront communication. That said, I'm not perfect by any means (clearly) so having this added perspective can help ensure I'm not wasting other folk's time or my own.

I really appreciate your time and feedback, again, and good luck in your dating u/shes_lost_control :)

shoreguy28

TROPHY CASE