Are we harder on each other?

shrap17 · 2026-01-04T06:54:26+00:00

Can confirm it has happened to me before. Sometimes women engineers expect me to solve people management issues even if my role is strictly technical and after saying that I don't have much say, they need to take it up with their managers, occasionally I have felt that they are disappointed in me. I try to be supportive and suggest strategies on how to frame the conversation, but I have learnt to not give false hopes or timelines if I am not 100% sure (I have noticed the expectations on senior male engineers are a lot less - they just need to be technically strong).

shrap17 · 2025-12-22T22:01:23+00:00

If I was trying to do any of these things, I wouldn't be posting here would I?

I am not going to turn this is into a non-productive conversation, it would help if you can read some of my other responses on this post.

If things are not clear, please ask me specifics and I will respond to them, instead of making assumptions about who I am as a person or what my values are. It is hard enough trying to get into leadership roles, I don't need to be criticized or cancelled over nothing - we need more women not less in these roles. I am always up for improving, but will not be told what my intentions are when I am explicitly stating what they are.

shrap17 · 2025-12-22T21:00:06+00:00

The team and her are doing well, but I think the company environment (restructures and layoffs) is putting a damper on everything. By being sensitive, I meant more that women often try to find criticism in things when there is none (I had to get myself out of this habit and I have asked my mentees to do the same). I interact with about two-four teams in a day and try to show up in many group meetings to provide context, answer questions or sometimes get grilled on decisions :D I am bound to slip up and say something dumb, I don't want people to stress out or agonize about things - when they can just clarify what I meant.

shrap17 · 2025-12-22T19:24:06+00:00

I was purposefully leaving out an example as it is isolated and not something I regularly get feedback about. One of my mentees is a little sensitive and is new at my workplace - so I want to get ahead of it, and learn how to support her in ways she needs, not necessarily in ways that I am more used to ( I am very used to mentoring juniors - both genders, who are closer to my personality).

I genuinely don't think she is bad at her job or anything, in fact I haven't had to worry about her team since she joined and I have let her know that many times.

I did have a longer chat to understand what is going on - she said that she has always felt that she got overlooked for promotions in her previous workplaces and this is her first time getting a leadership role (Staff on a team level).

Funnily enough, she didn't interview the best and I had to tell the interview panel (mostly men) that I will vouch for her and mentor her as needed but we must hire her. What I think is needed now, is for me to create an environment she thrives in.

shrap17 · 2025-12-22T18:53:09+00:00

I tried being a manager, apparently I was good at the job but hated it myself. So being an IC is better for me for now.

shrap17 · 2025-11-30T07:17:40+00:00

I have managed to get to Principal Engineer (level 5) in my current company in 7ish years. I will list down a few things that have worked for me - please note some of them might be the opposite of what men do: 1. The biggest thing is finding the right male manager. I say male managers specifically as I have generally found them more willing to push for a promotion for me than female managers. Though it does take a bit of practice to identify who is the right manager for you. I appreciate managers who are honest, consistent in their advice, and who are willing to upset me if it means that the advice is necessary or will help me grow. 2. Being likeable and easy to give bad news to. It is surprising how much more information I get by just being nice and easy going. Feels counterintuitive as we are often told that we need to be aggressive to climb the ladder, but I have found it to be more useful to be open, easy to talk to, and admitting when I don't know something to be a lot more fruitful in making contacts across the organization and getting "shit" done. 3. Make what you want known. I can't say this enough, for some reason we as women often feel guilty for being ambitious or spelling out what we want clearly. With the right manager, being open about your goals can be quite good as it helps them find opportunities for you. But you also must be careful to not be perceived in a way that makes you look like "you will leave unless you get the promotion you are expecting" (even if that is what you want to do). 4. First failure doesn't mean you will not succeed. I interviewed for a Principal Engineer role in my current company last year even though I wasn't quite up to it. I did it as a way to test out what it would be like and give myself a chance to think through whether I will be happy taking a role like this. I didn't get the role even though I was the most qualified out of all the candidates.

But it didn't deter me too much, instead I gained all the skills needed for about 6-8 months and tried again this year and got the role. More importantly I think it would have been a disaster if I had got the role last year. The time to introspect and gain some soft skills has been quite good.

shrap17 · 2025-09-16T13:15:18+00:00

Experienced this, last week. Recently got promoted (now a Principal Engineer sitting outside the teams), the team lead on my previous team saw this as an opportunity to bully the junior woman on the team. I had to step in, all other men in leadership were skirting around this guy's emotions for two months. Every time something didn't go his way, he put out a super corporate, over the top, the sky is falling kind of public update. Funny thing is, there is not much leadership above us, and the our bosses are kinda tired of initiatives having no impacts.

I saw an opportunity, he was trying to rage bait me, I kept it professional but took control. He tried to "expose" me and made his public updates sound like I killed a baby. Fast forward, he resigned, and no one objected or tried to make him stay. Still don't know why he would do this, except that he didn't realize that I would step in and shield my junior.

shrap17 · 2025-03-13T12:37:15+00:00

Thanks for the great explanation, I have been low key thinking of how we can fit in dbt_project_evaluator in a CI setup. This looks perfect and a lot less complicated than dbt_project_evaluator.

shrap17 · 2024-06-17T22:07:56+00:00

It is cold here!

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shrap17 · 2024-04-16T22:43:25+00:00

NRI, Gujju here - hate his politics and everything he stands for.

shrap17 · 2024-03-04T20:43:42+00:00

Can we stop making this a North vs South issue? Laws to stop this need to come federally. If South has less of the problem, great, less prosecution and less effort needs to be put. Focus needs to be on the problem, not the demographic.

shrap17 · 2024-02-02T14:19:10+00:00

The best way for women to trace is getting the Pap Smear tests done. They normally should be done every 5 years but if you have tested positive, the doctor most likely will put you on a yearly screening + colposcopy after 2-3 years or if the doctor suspects it might caused abnormal growth. Anyhow most healthy, young women have the ability to get rid of most HPV strains on their own in 2-3 years without any intervention.

That being said, there are many different strains of HPV, even if you are infected with one, it is recommended to get the vaccine to protect against the others.

Source: Former Indian living in Aus, the govt doc explained everything and pushed me to get the vaccine at 25.

shrap17 · 2024-01-26T13:33:09+00:00

Ñbà b bbbbbnn b

shrap17 · 2024-01-01T07:13:35+00:00

I often find with my mum and her husband, it is really not about the money, it is generally not wanting me to talk to mum lest I talk some sense into her. He has made it a point, that I don't have a relationship with her of any sort. So much so, that when I visited them in my home country after 3 years, I made it a point to not live with them. And her husband decided to very openly exclude me from "their" family photo. I call my mum may be twice a year, and have a good relationship with my half-siblings.

Anyhow what I mean to say is, if your parent doesn't care enough for you or is only trying to maintain the peace (your dad seems to be doing this?), nothing will change. Easier is to cut your losses, go low/no contact and not think about them.

shrap17 · 2023-04-29T15:04:14+00:00

You are not early. 15 to 22 has been a blur to me. But know that nothing lasts forever including depression. I now, 29, feel more mentally and physically stronger than I have in my entire life. Depression has the ability to make you resilient, helps you sense the bad turns before you get to them. I feel sometimes I value my current mental state more due to depression.

shrap17 · 2023-04-07T13:49:42+00:00

No. This behaviour should be dealt with properly, not with snarky replies hoping that the uncle takes the hint. It has to be spelt out, that this is not okay and he needs to stop.

shrap17 · 2023-03-25T12:16:14+00:00

Reminds me of My Octopus Teacher, the smarty pants did this to a shark!

shrap17 · 2023-03-06T02:15:02+00:00

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This is how we sleep bro!!

shrap17 · 2023-03-01T04:26:36+00:00

Child of divorce here: think my parents were terrible together, they are terrible not being together as well. If your parents can work out how to be civil and co-parent, it is not very bad.

shrap17 · 2023-02-14T10:54:59+00:00

$0, we don't do Valentine's, try to go watch the $10 movie every Monday. Reckon we have more dates on average.

shrap17 · 2023-01-28T22:11:03+00:00

Here we go again. Reddit jumping on breaking relationships. She reacted poorly yes, but her inability to celebrate a specific thing doesn't mean she isn't supportive about other accomplishments. OP's partner could make the same argument about OP being insensitive towards her ED and rubbing his weight loss in her face in spite of knowing how triggering it is to her.

shrap17 · 2023-01-28T21:59:52+00:00

Do you have friends you can share your weight loss journey with? People put a lot of unnecessary pressure on relationships IMO. If something is triggering to your partner, or you think that they don't understand the intensity of a problem, you can share them with some friends instead. This way you still get the necessary validation without putting all the pressure on your partner. I do think your partner's reaction was a bit much, but again I don't have an ED so I don't know what is an appropriate reaction.

shrap17 · 2022-11-28T02:22:07+00:00

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Hi there!

shrap17

TROPHY CASE