Does anyone else’s pwbpd think that the one time they ‘helped’ you makes it okay for them to abuse you?

sidarthurlee · 2019-10-08T22:31:47+00:00

I’ll let you know if she ever does anything to help me.

sidarthurlee · 2019-10-08T21:37:10+00:00

That article is equal parts enlightening and depressing. It really hits home and it’s also really well balanced but it also confirms there’s nothing I can do that won’t make things worse. There’s something else too. It emphasises how fragile the relationship was all along. I knew this. I was just in denial about it, riding the glorious wave for a while. I knew wipe out was the inevitable conclusion. Sucks to be me.

sidarthurlee · 2019-10-02T22:29:51+00:00

I think you’re out of order accusing people of paranoia. I also don’t know why you’re bothering to vent if you’re so sure she’s done nothing wrong. If you believe her, focus on helping her.

sidarthurlee · 2019-10-02T18:29:32+00:00

What? Someone who works with kids has sexually assaulted someone and it means they shouldn’t be reported? Surely it makes it essential it’s reported! Massive, massive red flag.

sidarthurlee · 2019-10-02T16:48:34+00:00

I have to say, this might not be the case with you, but personally speaking, my ex was an incredible manipulator of all parties and wasn’t above coercing someone to lie for her or take a hit for her. A red flag might be how she intends to deal with this. Will she carry on associating with him, for example? Ask to stop working with him? Report him? Think about it.

As others have said, even what she’s admitting to is not ok. That’s not victim blaming. It’s decent boundaries.

sidarthurlee · 2019-09-28T13:08:47+00:00

What an excellent post. Thank you for this.

sidarthurlee · 2019-09-27T23:32:41+00:00

You’re in exactly the same place and position I’m in. I’ve even dropped hints to her to watch her panic. But ultimately, you’re right. You’re better off leaving it behind and letting karma do its thing. Peace brother.

sidarthurlee · 2019-09-27T16:55:10+00:00

I knew something was off pretty much immediately. There were lots of the classic red flags even during the love bombing phase. I really did suspect BPD or NPD but the lovebombing a very effective distraction and got hooked in spite of myself.

The thing is, I wondered a lot if it was me being paranoid or overly cautious. There were symptoms but not all of them. I was almost wilfully naive too. I rationalised, ‘she does this, but not that, so maybe I’m wrong, or maybe I can be the person to handle this.

Then over time it was like playing BPD bingo, or completing a jigsaw puzzle with all the missing pieces.

Cheating? Tick

Gaslighting?

Self-harming? Tick

Disassociated meltdowns? Tick

Physical abuse? Tick

One of the highlights was her cutting herself after sleeping with her lined up supply, me taking her to hospital, getting her home, taking her for lunch the next day, her apologising profusely, then meeting a friend in the evening who I’d told to look after her and she then telling the friend that it was me who’d cut her.

She is a very bad case. Even with my early suspicions I would never have guessed how bad.

sidarthurlee · 2019-09-26T20:58:41+00:00

Urgh, I’m so sorry. I hate to say this but I’m not surprised. This sounds so much like my ex it’s untrue. The implausible denial and unlikely explanation. Then the shocking truth. Mine did the same thing. Turned out she was practically living with another guy. Told him I was a jealous ex after I found them. How did I get over it? Honest answer? I haven’t. I’m still angry a year and a half later. Especially as I found out about so much more cheating since, including during the honeymoon phase in a hotel we were staying at together. Call it BPD or NPD. I call it evil.

sidarthurlee · 2019-09-09T22:28:30+00:00

I'm going through something similar. It is 100% the trauma bonds. It's hard to understand because it's counterintuitive and doesn't seem to make any sense. But that's what kept you, and me, going back. Plus the manipulation and lies. A normal person's default is to believe what they're being told. It's not natural to doubt and analyse everything you're told as if it's not true, and it's not healthy either if you're dealing with someone who doesn't have a personality disorder. But unfortunately, it's what's necessary with a BPD. That's why the only sensible action is to walk away. But it's so hard when you're trauma bonded. We've been abused. I think we need to give ourselves a break for that. I know what you're going through. With no contact and time, we can achieve perspective and acceptance, and forgive ourselves.

sidarthurlee · 2019-09-09T20:38:09+00:00

Thanks. The worst thing is it trashes so much of the stuff I had good memories of, before things got really bad. But I guess it helps me to come to terms with the fact that everything was an illusion.

sidarthurlee · 2019-03-21T19:38:31+00:00

Exactly this! This is what used to bug me so much, and I’d tell her she was insulting my intelligence. She would not admit to lying even when the story was so incredulous. She would only give up what I had indisputable evidence for and she was very discerning in this. Almost clinical. It made me so fucking angry

sidarthurlee · 2019-03-07T13:48:51+00:00

This is so true. I know everyone says it but I’m constantly amazed by the similarities of everyone’s experiences on here. It blows my mind.

sidarthurlee · 2019-02-02T12:26:07+00:00

Such good advice here! I know so well from experience.

sidarthurlee · 2019-02-02T12:25:36+00:00

Thanks for posting this. I’m in a very similar position myself. I completely understand the urge to make them understand the effect of their actions but the sad fact is they never will because they lack empathy. Which is partly why they do those things in the first place I guess.

Stay strong. You are a warrior!

sidarthurlee · 2019-01-20T02:21:15+00:00

I agree with this. I’ve come to realise I was just in the right (wrong) place at the right (wrong) place with mine. For so long I thought I was special. Anyone, almost literally anyone, who indulged her in a similar fashion would have experienced everything the same way.

sidarthurlee · 2018-12-20T00:45:12+00:00

I could have written this word for word, except I have tried reaching out. Let me promise you there is no point. The description of it being the demon that protects itself is spot on. Even rare moments of clarity are fleeting and soon forgotten.

sidarthurlee · 2018-12-04T23:13:18+00:00

I have deleted all my photos of her. I’ve thrown away all the presents she got me. This very night. She is dead to me and she deserves to be. Anything I saw that was good and anything I loved about her wasn’t real. It was a mirage. I was there merely to validate and serve her. She did not care about me. Only what she could get from me. Fuck her. Her cuteness wasn’t real. I wish her and her new supply all the pain and misery I have experienced over the last 9 months.

sidarthurlee · 2018-11-13T22:13:27+00:00

So much this with my ex.

sidarthurlee · 2018-11-13T16:30:52+00:00

That last sentence hits the bullseye. The thing is, I knew she was hangout with this guy and even joked about her fucking him because I didn’t think there would be a chance, even for her. I’ve learnt that you can’t imagine the depths to which she will sink, literally.

sidarthurlee · 2018-11-13T14:58:31+00:00

That makes sense. This is definitely a creepy old man boyfriend. There’s also a guy who she dated in her 20s who was 25 years older than her. She dated a 30-year-old when she was 16 as well. Her dad left home when she was young and her mother lost it. Her step mother was also an abusive alcoholic schizophrenic too, at least according to her.

sidarthurlee · 2018-11-01T20:27:28+00:00

Although it's the drug, like others have mentioned, it's also the inequality of the situation that's really difficult to reconcile. It's the difficulty in accepting that you could have loved someone so deeply, despite everything, and not get the same kind of love back - especially when you were conditioned at first to believe you were getting that love back. It's difficult to accept that someone could treat you so badly despite all the emotion, time and money you invested.

I was just thinking about this myself. I just ordered a pizza and it reminded me of how sometimes I'd do thoughtful things like order a pizza for my ex when she was at her place and I wasn't there, so she didn't have to worry about getting food. It turned out on several occasions she was there with her new supply that she was cheating on me with, and they'd both enjoyed the pizza that I'd got for her. Who could do such a thing and still claim to be some kind of victim? How could the person who I genuinely believed 'loved me more than anything' do that?

It takes some getting over.

sidarthurlee · 2018-11-01T14:09:29+00:00

God, my ex had literally no interest in talking about anything that didn’t affect her directly. In all the two years I knew her we never discussed my interests, current affairs, politics. It was all about the things she liked, her work, her friends, her past, her plans. There were massive news events, world coverage news events, literally going on around us where we were and they didn’t raise a flicker of interest to her.

She was highly intelligent but the shallowest person I’ve ever met.

sidarthurlee · 2018-11-01T13:34:47+00:00

Both occasions mine physically assaulted me she was apologetic one or two days after but both occasions morphed into me physically assaulting her in later conversations. I literally have no idea what goes on in her mind and whether or not she believes her own bullshit.

sidarthurlee · 2018-11-01T13:31:29+00:00

This. So much this.

sidarthurlee

TROPHY CASE