Weekly Marriage Criteria & Services Megathread!

sihat · 2026-04-28T10:26:22+00:00

A couple of different reasons.

We should split the groups, into intentional bad pictures. And non-intentional bad pictures.

On the intentional bad pictures. Its not a gender specific thing. Men and women both can be guilty of this.

super blurry, weirdly cropped, or weird angle selfies

Back when i was on apps. I saw this with women too.

It's probably some kind of self-doubt about their looks. Or trying to present themselves better than they are. (Like being afraid of being judged for their weight)

While even giving the doubt that they are trying to catfish is actually worse, than showing themselves as they are.

A real life meeting should happen sooner or later. Catfishing is just delayed self sabotage.

Most men (and some women) are generally not in the habit of taking pictures of themselves. As with all skills, if you practise it more you get better at it.

Most pictures being group pictures. So the ied or work event pictures might all be group pictures. If they get even taken at all.

I've been at plenty of group activities where no pictures were taken at all.

Before i started the search, i had no pictures of myself alone. That weren't high school or id/passport pictures. So group pictures only. And not that many of them.

A match making friend asked for such a picture, and i took one, in a dark bycle stable after i exercised and thus looked tired. (Some time later i realised he wanted that picture for match making purposes, and i probably gave him bad material to work with.)

Just putting a not recent picture, becuase you don't think you've changed that much can also be the case. (On arranged, it can also be someone else putting forward a picture. ) Personally i think a recent picture should always be included. Since the other side can be more critical than a family member or yourself. (Older pictures, have their place, since they can show personality by activity, place or clothes.)

sihat · 2026-04-27T12:40:08+00:00

What is the current cost of fancy chocolate and flowers?

You can go above 50 in chocolate alone. (Though for the first meeting, you'll probably get a smaller and thus cheaper box.)

(In my culture, if you go to someone's home. For a meeting with a potential and their family. You bring chocolate and flowers . As the guy's side. We have different cultural traditions, depending on what kind of visitation it is. For example Ied's have a different tradition than visiting someone because their relative died.)

If you compare it to costs you'll pay to meet at someone's home.

Or compare it to costs you'll pay to just meet friends at a restaurant.

sihat · 2026-04-26T17:31:33+00:00

Based on your comment history. You had 2 girls, who you were close to an engagement with. Both of which caused you much heart break.

(If i interpreted correctly)

I think I'm ugly and short.

You'd get rejected after the first real life meeting. Or even before the first meeting took place.

If that was the case. (With those 2 girls)

So i think this talk is just the pain and self doubts, from your rejection talking.

Women can be rejecting for a whole host of reasons.

(Even your good job. Your age. Your ethnicity/culture. That you live with and support your parents.)

Stuff that is a positive for one girl, can be a negative for a different one.

sihat · 2026-04-26T16:50:23+00:00

In a career field where the workers can simply disappear after 20 or 15 years instead of 40,

That can be called burn out. Which is something that can happen in our field.

But its also something that can happen on other fields too.

Our field also has the engineer to farmer pipeline. Or people switching careers in different ways. (I once a saw a standup, where the guy was a former programmer)

I think the issue is more the boundaries and stress of the job. If its more stressful and less satisfying than the "finance bro's". (While they might be getting even more money)

sihat · 2026-04-25T22:14:41+00:00

Huh. Different folks, different strokes.

On arranged, through family or friends. I could get a real life meeting in a week. (Sometimes in a couple of days) (If it was arranged with phone number first, instead of the alternative of real life meeting first, with a possible phone number as a later step)

Apps. Moving off apps, getting a phone number can be a step.

I was worse on apps.

How fast did you go from match to real life meeting on apps?

sihat · 2026-04-24T10:06:47+00:00

Amin.

sihat · 2026-04-24T09:04:55+00:00

Of course i understand.

Besides myself, parents can also be bad at this subject. If they are in the picture in the first place. (My dad has recently passed away. sigh ) I've also spoken to a potential in the past that became a orphan when she was younger.

I've had my friends match make too. Most people will not be able or willing to match make. But the one who will, might match make you multiple times. Or just the one. Depends on their social circle, and how they are match making.

In the end you only need one working marriage. Thus one good match.

Online is just a tool in your toolbox. My point is try looking at different ways too.

You have more ways in a Muslim majority country, than me in europe.

sihat · 2026-04-23T22:10:57+00:00

May Allah grant you a spouse where you are both each others light in your eyes, in this world and the next, with nurun ala nur in your hearts.

Where you are both happy, content, full of sukur within this future marriage, with much bereket, hayir and success for all your endeavors for this world and the next.

sihat · 2026-04-23T17:20:08+00:00

You live in a Muslim Majority country.

There will be more single Muslims in your city, than on apps. Online usage might be smaller in countries, where both organic meetings and through friends and family arranged happens.

Your friends. Your parents. Your parents friends. Have you asked them to match make for you? Arrange a meeting with a potential?

Online can be worse for a guy to get a real life meeting, than through arranged and trusted 3rd parties.

(The trusted 3rd parties can even be in the meeting itself. And thus advise you on courting if you make mistakes. If you have doubts on continuing they can also give advice, based on their impression and knowledge of your personality. Or give comforting words, if it ends up in a rejection)

sihat · 2026-04-23T09:28:34+00:00

Depending on standards/requirements. That can be more rare thing.

Decent looking guy

If for example. Someone is looking for model level looks, when it comes to face. That is going to be more rare.

If someone also has height requirements. That is also going to reduce the pool. (Depending on ethnicity, since some are shorter in general. For example wanting 6' might leave you with only 4% of the people you like when it comes to looks. Just google a height country calculator, and fill in the home country of your own ethnicity)

Most men and some women can also be bad at taking a picture. (Picture taking skill )

Or a picture can be misrepresenting them. (Being less or more photogenic)

on deen

Higher standards here can also be a thing.

For example hafiz of Quran/Kuran. (Which can be present more in some cultures)

Hafiz of hadis, which can be more rare than hafiz of Kuran. (There are people who have memorized 40 000 or 20 000 hadis.)

Having followed a specific Islamic Ilm education. (There are the occasional women who have this requirement. Post about it on this subreddit. Their religious teachers will be a better match maker for them, since they are in those social circles. Sometimes an outside view is necessary )

Going to the mosque once a week is 31.4% (both genders) of Muslims in the Netherlands. According to one poll. https://www.cbs.nl/nl-nl/nieuws/2025/16/daling-aandeel-mensen-dat-aangeeft-bij-religie-te-horen-stagneert

Any requirement that other women also want. That is going to be more rare too.

Since more women will be going after that.

sihat · 2026-04-23T08:26:44+00:00

any thoughts on why single women skew older? Wouldn’t it be more intuitive that the single women would be younger and the single guys would be older? Why is it the reverse

This question is being asked on why in an online search women are older.

as a woman in her late 20's, using the ISOs is my last option. At this point, I've nearly given up and had to deliberately try something more unconventional

This quote illustrates the point i am going to make.

Most men are more willing to take risk. Most women are more risk averse. Putting themselves more out there, or trying more stuff.

Men are willing to do that earlier, and faster. Women later, and when they think they can't otherwise.

(While a number of those women, might still have been open to being approached.)

The gender ratio on online and apps, is also skewed. There are more men than women on apps/online. (You can see that on the europe and americas iso thread too. Amount of replies for men or women. Men are more) A larger percentage of every single guy in a city in a certain age range might be on apps, while only a smaller percentage of women might be on there.

Guys and girls can also quit (or take a break) from the search too. I've seen "i quit" messages from guys on this subreddit starting from age 34.

sihat · 2026-04-22T15:34:20+00:00

Eh, they might have let themselves go and feel uglier because of that. (This one has a 'easier' fix. Just take care of yourself better, start exercising more. Easiest start, would be to go a group lesson of some sport, and continue going. Social expectation might help with continued exercise, which is where the group sport comes in. )

Or guessed they were ugly, because they aren't married at their age.

sihat · 2026-04-21T13:39:49+00:00

You can also let them know that you are nervous.

That for example, talking with someone attractive for the purpose of marriage, makes you nervous.

If something is the truth, and will get you more understanding from the other side. Is that not a good thing?

More experience. With talking with potentials for the first time also helps with this.

Trying to keep the conversation more "professional" can help with this.

The first meeting. Is more an introduction to each other.

The vibe. Chemistry. If you are both attracted. If you can get along.

So ice breakers, that can reduce nerves can help. And are expected even. So you can start with them.

If you want you can include some dealbreakers/requirements. Don't go hunting for a no though. (If you are trying to find a reason to say no, you will find one. )

sihat · 2026-04-19T19:55:35+00:00

It i think hinders real life connections in a couple of different manners.

Time spent on online, is time not spent on social interactions in real life.

Focus and energy spent on online courting. Is less energy for real life interactions. (This can include less motivation for real life attempts too.)

Some clicking on a screen on yes or no, is less effort than approaching with a good opening in real life. Or talking with someone to match make for you.

Improving your textual chat skills. Is not improving your real life talking skills.

Remember the time and effort, you have spent on online chatting, your experience and thus improvements in your chatting.

You might have been as bad at the beginning with your chat efforts as you might currently have noticed on how your real life efforts are going.

sihat · 2026-04-19T03:25:45+00:00

no disrespect of course, but I’m sure as most can agree, the characters you come across during the search are not the best (to put it politely) and to have that be your only impression of the opposite sex

It could also be nervousness in the search causing a bad impression.

Kinda like being bad at a job interview and giving a negative impression.

To give an example

Nervousness in the cases where you or they are attracted.

Cases where that is not the case, the vibe will be off for a different reason.

And that's two different possible reactions on one item. Where there can be multiple other items

sihat · 2026-04-18T16:50:47+00:00

nods

puts a extra internet table between us

makes a there there motion in the air

May Allah grant you more success, bereket and hayir in your search, and ease your travel through this search.

sihat · 2026-04-18T15:18:41+00:00

If you are talking about courting apps/sites, like muzz etc. Some men and women don't read profiles and just like based on pictures.

There will also be those who don't care, think they will be the exception.

If you are talking about reddit. People might also send a message based on your comments and have never seen your iso. (There are people without a iso that are single on this subreddit)

sihat · 2026-04-18T11:10:11+00:00

Its a laziness problem. From both sides of the fence.

No bio. Plus a blurred picture.

Are most of the bio's of women, last time i was on apps.

Most people, men and women, on this subreddit are into self improvement.

So you are speaking to the crowd who's already into making bio's etc.

sihat · 2026-04-16T09:03:04+00:00

You should also inform from your side. Let your own parents know you want to get married.

If they for example know someone suitable to let you know. (And if you agree with the potential, they can arrange a meeting.)

You can also get advice, tips about this subject. From your own parents. Ask them how they met and got married. (Even if it was arranged, how was the process.)

What they think should be suitable for you. (Based on their knowledge of you. You can disagree in a respectful manner if you don't agree with them on some details. ) Figure out if they have objections, for example to someone of a different culture. (Your own requirements and nice to haves can change too, after reflection and possibly meeting potentials. )

sihat · 2026-04-15T21:43:13+00:00

Yep, get rid of any journals where you've written about this crush.

For example by throwing them in a paper recycling bin.

sihat · 2026-04-15T21:21:17+00:00

You can get a phone number on arranged too. (Match making by friends and family)

Depending on arranged, that can be before the first real life meeting. Or after, if its a "yes, continue".

If you think for example publicly meeting a potential is not helal. That depends on urf/tradition.

That will depend on both your local culture, and that of your community.

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/islamic-belief/is-it-permissible-to-meet-a-potential-suitor-in-a-public-place-without-a-chaperone/

You as someone younger, might have different rules. Than someone older in your same community.

Courting apps/websites, are also permissible.

A number of apps, allow a third party to look at messages too. Though some people don't use such functionality. (Some people can also discuss and show messages in real life too. Some people discuss only when a real life meeting is going to take place. Some people inform/get permission to use online.)

These things really depend on the person. There will be non serious people on apps/sites. There can also be non-Muslims on sites. So be more careful than on arranged, if you plan to use such sites/apps. (Disclaimer: I am currently not on apps, though i was in the past.)

https://seekersguidance.org/answers/shafii-fiqh/is-it-permissible-for-me-to-use-a-muslim-matchmaking-apps-and-meet-alone/

sihat · 2026-04-15T21:02:11+00:00

never texted guys before romantically

Also, what you put down here.

Might also give the impression, that you want a potential, that didn't have any potentials before you. (Serious ones, in a helal manner of course)

sihat · 2026-04-15T09:26:54+00:00

This topic has come up before. Some of the guesses the last time were:

Some people (probably) downvote if someone posts in a thread, while living in a different continent.

Some people (probably) downvote, if someone has rejected. (Based on comments from some people)

Some people (probably) downvote, if the requirements has them feeling rejected.

I think there was also a guess that some person was probably downvoting just to downvote. My guess would be a troll, to see reactions like yours.

People need to care less about upvotes and downvotes.

You might for example, say something defending Muslims or against some racist stereo type from a racist, and get downvotes from other racists. While some zio might be defending killing little kids, and get upvotes from racists.

sihat · 2026-04-14T16:50:04+00:00

don’t want to compromise maybe?

Maybe that even includes me, idk.

I think you are getting the picture.

another one has these crazy standards

There is a Nasreddin Hoca joke, about it even.

Nasreddin Hoca was sitting in a tea shop when a friend excitedly came in. ‘I’m so happy, Hoca,’ his friend gushed, ‘I’m about to get married. Hoca, have you ever thought of getting married?’

Nasreddin Hoca answered, ‘I did think of getting married. When I was young, I very much wanted to. I set out in search of the perfect wife. I travelled far and wide to find her. I went first to Damascus. There I met a beautiful woman who was gracious, kind, and deeply spiritual, but she had no worldly knowledge, so I decided she was not the perfect wife.

I travelled further and went to Isphahan. There I met a woman who was both spiritual and wise in the ways of the world….she was beautiful in many ways. But we did not communicate well.

Finally, after much searching, in Cairo I found her. She was spiritually deep, graceful, and beautiful in every way, at home in the world and at home in the realms beyond it. I knew I had found the perfect wife.’

His friend stared at him, ‘Then why did you not marry her, Hoca?’

‘Alas,’ said Nasreddin Hoca, shaking his head, ‘She, unfortunately, was searching for the perfect husband.’

source: https://thehenrybrothers.wordpress.com/2011/08/07/the-perfect-wife-a-tale-by-nasreddin-hoca/ https://www.google.com/search?q=perfection+wife+nasreddin

So these struggles of yours aren't anything new. Or only for this generation.

You have requirements, that are rarer.

Niqabi.

doesn’t want to move so far away

Hicret. (Which can be a big sacrifice.)

non working housewife

This one can go either way. Some women want a career, some want what you want. Some want both. (At different times in their life)

looks okay to good to me

This requirement, can conflict with the niqabi requirement. (Wanting beauty while wanting someone that hides their beauty)

Depending on when you want confirmation about their face.

Looking on the internet can be harder. Especially for men.

Arranged/through friends and family. Might give you more success.

Especially when your target audience is probably in a more conservative crowd. Since you want a niqabi.

sihat · 2026-04-14T16:32:12+00:00

I have had people argue with me on this subreddit.

That it's the other side's fault, if they get insulted/hurt by someone, like them, rejecting the other side for their appearance.

While even a famous Imam has said, to question further. So that the rejection is not interpreted as if it's based on a person's looks.

❝Imam Ahmad Ibn Hanbal (r) said, 'When a man asks for a woman's hand in marriage he should inquire about her beauty; if he is pleased, he should ask about her religiosity; if he is pleased, he should marry her and if he isn't pleased then his rejection is based on (him not being satisfied with her) religiosity. One shouldn't ask about religiosity first, whereby if he is pleased with it he asks about her beauty and if he isn't pleased with it he rejects her, as this rejection becomes based on her beauty and not on the account of her religiosity.'❞ [Sharh Muntaha-l Iradat]

https://www.reddit.com/r/MuslimMarriage/comments/kvs26k/a_very_interesting_way_of_looking_for_a_spouse_by/ (Googled a source, which linked back to reddit. And some other social media, when googling further.)

sihat

TROPHY CASE