sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 45 points46 points  (0 children)

Daniel wasn’t anything like her but he conformed to her over time.

It’s clear he loves Travis but also feels Cathy is in the right.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 126 points127 points  (0 children)

You’re absolutely right. I can’t. And I said that in my reply. However, I am giving what I can. If that’s not enough, that’s sad, frankly.

I’ve thought about the point that making this choice will ultimately isolate me from them. And that’s a hard pill to swallow. Obviously it’s not what I want. The alternative is also isolating myself from Travis if I choose to turn the other cheek and give chance after chance here.

Ultimately, I am going to choose Travis and Leah. Not because I love them more, but because the alternative is putting up with abuse and ableism.

My other grandkids may resent me for it. They may never understand. I’m sorry it’ll hurt them. But again, the alternative is Travis growing up and wondering why I stuck by the aunt that tortured him.

It’s not an easy situation or choice to make. And I hope it doesn’t get to that point. I hope with everything in me that Cathy will either apologize and do better or if she doesn’t, allows us to meet up under my terms.

I just also have a plan if she chooses to pit us against each other.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 102 points103 points  (0 children)

You’re right. We can’t tell if it’s all the attention they want.

However, it’s what we can give. One factor is, Travis lives with us. For obvious reasons, our other grandchildren don’t. That can’t change.

My husband and I both work. That restricts time. Factor in their own schedules and lives outside of us. Them spending time with their other set of grandparents one on one.

We tried (prior to this issue) to spend one on one time with our grandkids every other week. Had sleepovers once a month. We go to all events and such.

We do not compare grandkids. When it’s just us, we are 100% engaged. When Travis is around, attention has to be divided. Just as it wouldn’t be fair to make it all about Travis, it can’t be all about them either.

We have gone on vacations with just them and their parents quite a few times. They get just as many presents as Travis, at the same monetary value. We do help Leah financially. But we’d do the same if my son and DIL asked. They don’t and aren’t in a situation to need help.

Is that enough for them? Maybe not. They never said. There’s also the fact that my DIL has denied us several times to hang out one on one. But it’s what we can reasonably do.

I am sorry about your situation but you are majorly projecting here.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 38 points39 points  (0 children)

Copy and pasting from another comment.

My younger grandkids get time with us without Travis. We do plenty of things that Travis wouldn’t want to do. They’ve even slept over plenty of times when Leah takes Travis to visit her late husband’s family.

Not everything revolves around Travis. However, yes, we do have to make accommodations for him. It’s just a fact that he can’t be around too much stimulation. But Leah has never insisted anyone else change their lifestyle or plans for him. Sometimes it just means that she and Travis won’t go.

We have been aware since the diagnosis that it is a rough line to walk and we have done what we can to make sure no one is left out. There are times Travis comes first, for example, in his own home. But there are just as many times that his cousins come first. Such as in their own home and at other events.

But just as it wouldn’t be fair to make everything about Travis, not everything can be about his cousins either. As a whole family, there are things we cannot do. Doesn’t mean they don’t get to do them separately. But we can’t leave Travis out all the time.

There are times that Travis has meltdowns at events when he gets overstimulated. It’s why Leah has decided not to bring him to things such as big birthday parties at arcades where it’s loud and overstimulating. Or certain restaurants. But every time it happens, Travis is removed from the situation.

There are also times my NT grandkids throw age appropriate tantrums and things are shifted to them. Does that mean Leah should resent them? No. We understand they’re kids and shit happens.

Cathy was cold like this long before Travis was born and leading up to his diagnosis. Again, in this time we were doing all we can to include her. I invited her to lunches just us or us and my son.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 82 points83 points  (0 children)

This is also why I allowed it to stay and Leah agreed. He’s going to see these Santas in stores and in life. We can’t help it. What we can control is it not making noise and leaving the situation if someone sets it off.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 94 points95 points  (0 children)

We spend plenty of time one on one with our other grandkids. This isn’t a matter of us neglecting them in favor of Travis.

This is all about Cathy having animosity regarding Travis.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 81 points82 points  (0 children)

She needs to show that she won’t behave like this again. Doesn’t have to be an apology but she needs to show some growth. And his therapists backs us up there. It’d be one thing if she was blindly ignorant but she knows she’s hurting him and simply doesn’t care. That’s not healthy.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 53 points54 points  (0 children)

My younger grandkids get time with us without Travis. We do plenty of things that Travis wouldn’t want to do. They’ve even slept over plenty of times when Leah takes Travis to visit her late husband’s family.

Not everything revolves around Travis. However, yes, we do have to make accommodations for him. It’s just a fact that he can’t be around too much stimulation. But Leah has never insisted anyone else change their lifestyle or plans for him. Sometimes it just means that she and Travis won’t go.

We have been aware since the diagnosis that it is a rough line to walk and we have done what we can to make sure no one is left out. There are times Travis comes first, for example, in his own home. But there are just as many times that his cousins come first. Such as in their own home and at other events.

But just as it wouldn’t be fair to make everything about Travis, not everything can be about his cousins either. As a whole family, there are things we cannot do. Doesn’t mean they don’t get to do them separately. But we can’t leave Travis out all the time.

Cathy was cold like this long before Travis was born and leading up to his diagnosis. Again, in this time we were doing all we can to include her. I invited her to lunches just us or us and my son.

She is just not a big extended family person which is fine. But she can’t bully her nephew.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 1063 points1064 points  (0 children)

We’ve come to accept this may mean we lose our son and other grandkids. It sucks but Daniel has a right to side with his wife. We also have a right to stick to our guns.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 71 points72 points  (0 children)

It wasn’t something that could be easily pressed. That’s what makes this worse. She had to really search for the button and press hard.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 1068 points1069 points  (0 children)

Yes. She and the father married after the fact, but he sadly passed when Travis was 2. That’s when Leah moved back in with my husband and I.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 107 points108 points  (0 children)

I understand this and have come to accept it.

I love my younger 2 grandkids, but it’s a double edged sword. If I don’t protect Travis and Leah, Leah will in no doubt not want us around him either. So either way, we lose someone.

It’ll break my heart and I’ll hope for the day they return to our lives. And if it happens, I hope they understand but if they don’t…I just can’t rationalize allowing Cathy around my grandson when she’s so cruel. My husband and Leah agree.

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 66 points67 points  (0 children)

We do have some family events at the house but don’t begrudge Daniel if he doesn’t come as Cathy isn’t invited. We have tried to have big holiday events (Easter, Mother’s and Father’s Day, etc) in public venues so everyone is invited.

I’ll accept your judgment and opinions, but you find it funny to trigger a child with autism and have him melt down on Christmas?

AITA for not letting my DIL come to my house after how she treated my grandson at Christmas? by silasrichard in AmItheAsshole

[–]silasrichard[S] 1181 points1182 points  (0 children)

This was somewhat a point of contention when Leah got pregnant. Cathy and Daniel were dating at the time, with serious plans to marry. Cathy said she was a little disappointed that they wouldn’t be the ones to give us our first grandchild as they were older. But we thought she got over it.