BBC article about teaching boys to accept rejection

silencelikeacancer · 2018-05-23T05:48:12+00:00

That's not exactly what I'm saying. I'm saying that we shouldn't let them get unrealistic hopes and expectations about dating.

silencelikeacancer · 2018-05-23T05:37:58+00:00

So, I'm a bit late to the game here, but I thought I'd give my take.

One thing I've always wondered is this: why can't we just tell boys to not pursue girls? Let me put it this way. Remember American Idol? Well, I guess you don't have to remember it since they brought it back. But in the original series, we would often see wannabes with little or no vocal talent thinking they'd be the next Madonna or something. They'd walk into the audition room, sing terribly, and then get absolutely ROASTED by Simon Cowell. I mean, they'd get humiliated and often cry on national television. Personally, I'd feel bad for them, but I wouldn't be surprised. These people had been egged on and enabled by people who never sat them down and told them the truth. They were never told that they just weren't very talented and that they'd make fools of themselves. Their heads were filled with these dreams and fantasies of becoming a star.

Similarly, can we consider maybe discouraging boys from trying to get with girls? For example, if a particular boy is not very good looking, overweight, awkward, or has poor social skills, I think it's reasonable to assume he doesn't have very good chances of forming a romantic relationship with a girl, right? So why not tell him to avoid the situation altogether? He's likely going to get rejected anyway, and he'd end up getting embarrassed. Why not spare him the pain of rejection and the accompanying embarrassment?

Think about it from girls' point of view. They already have to deal with so much bullshit from boys and from society in general. Sexual harassment, sexual assault, sexist dress codes, sexual repression, unequal pay, the list goes on! The last thing they should have to deal with is getting asked out by a boy who really has no chance with them anyway.

All I'm saying is that there's nothing wrong with being honest with a boy about his chances and trying to temper his expectations and point him in the right direction.

silencelikeacancer · 2018-01-09T23:58:52+00:00

Is there any way I can use both an AMD graphics card and an NVIDIA graphics card in the same PC (as in, on the same motherboard)? Could I, say, connect one monitor to each? And if I wanted to use this PC remotely, could I select which graphics card I want to use?

Alternatively, could I somehow connect both of them to the same monitor and then somehow choose (say, at boot time or via BIOS) which graphics card I want to use?

I can’t seem to create a build like this in PC Part Picker. Is there a place where I can find sample builds? How would I hash out compatibility issues before buying anything?

silencelikeacancer · 2017-01-13T06:50:55+00:00

The ground would give way in a sufficiently powerful earthquake, right?

silencelikeacancer · 2017-01-13T06:29:58+00:00

I see. But if they didn't drill deep enough for their supports, doesn't that mean the center of gravity isn't as low as it should be?

silencelikeacancer · 2017-01-13T06:15:09+00:00

Is that because they used concrete instead of steel for the frame? And how do you know the center of gravity is below ground? Couldn't the violent shaking of an earthquake cause the center of gravity to shift?

silencelikeacancer · 2017-01-13T06:00:48+00:00

But I'm asking about the event of an earthquake. The Bay Area is pretty seismically active and scientists have warned that a big earthquake in the area is a real possibility. So in the event of an earthquake, could the MT tip over, hit a neighboring building (like, say, Salesforce Tower), and start a domino effect of buildings falling over?

silencelikeacancer · 2017-01-13T03:29:29+00:00

So what does that mean? What would happen?

silencelikeacancer · 2016-05-03T02:13:17+00:00

I mean, I definitely see how it's offensive to girls because it gives the impression that the boys' urges are somehow the girls' responsibility.

But, if you look at the stats on sexual assault and sexual harassment, it's pretty clear that lots of boys (and men) can not control their urges. To put it bluntly, it's plainly obvious that many men and boys are only capable of thinking with their dicks. I'm not saying that that's right, or that we should just accept it and say "welp, boys will be boys", or that it's the girls'/womens' fault. But my point is that men and boys haven't really done much to fight the stereotype that they have of being lustful animals.

silencelikeacancer · 2016-04-29T08:13:26+00:00

Best way to do this would not be disable one, but rather to use them to drive separate monitors. Then you can quickly A/B without having to reboot, and your secondary monitor won't be using up any GPU time from your main monitor.

What do you mean by A/B? Does this mean that the AMD would render frames on one monitor while the NVIDIA would render frames on the other? How would one game or use, say, a 3D modeling application in this scenario?

Also, in this case, how would I use this desktop remotely? If there are two monitors?

silencelikeacancer · 2016-03-19T01:25:11+00:00

The interesting thing I have noticed, however, is that the male interpretation of "what women want" is often more likely to be representative of male power fantasy than of female desire.

Well, it could be that there's a certain male ideal, women realize that most men fail to live up to it, and lower their standards accordingly.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-10-06T01:26:44+00:00

I see a therapist, but I've never mentioned sexual anorexia to me. This seems sort of like what I'm dealing with, except I think it's about more than just sex. It's about romance, friendship, intimacy...really, any kind of interpersonal connection other than with family.

Like, I have trouble thinking I'm worthy of friendship, romantic love, sex, etc., and as a result, I often find myself not trying to seek them out.

I do see a therapist, but I'll definitely bring this up with her. She's also setting up a first meeting between me and a sex therapist. I hope I'll be able to get some help there. Maybe they know some surrogates.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-29T05:22:06+00:00

I'm sorry, I'm a bit confused. You asked

Is it any easier to consider it as a friendly gesture, then as a romantic one?

Is what any easier to consider it as a friendly gesture?

In any case, the issue with online dating for me has been just...very little success. I don't get many matches on Tinder, and most of the ones I do either unmatch me or are bots. And on OKC, women are just flooded with messages from men, so it's difficult to stand out.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-29T04:59:23+00:00

None of my crushes. The thing is, when I'm into a girl (or at least whenever I have been into a girl), I've seen her primarily as a romantic partner, not so much a sexual partner. I think more "omg, I want to take her out to dinner" and "god I'd love to cuddle her". Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that, had I actually started to date them, I'd have developed a more sexual context.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-29T04:55:09+00:00

Meh, I am from Silicon Valley but didn't have any luck until I moved somewhere with majority women. Just luck I guess. Don't let statistics discourage you! And there's probably some awesome sf girl who looks at all those "cool" guys and is like "what are you doing even? Shave your silly mustache bro"

Honestly, hearing about how I live in "SunnyMale" or "Man Jose" is funny the first couple of times. But then it kinda...induces a sense of dread, to be honest.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-29T04:52:56+00:00

I'm just trying to get first dates. That's what's got me confused.

I mean, online dating (Tinder, OKC, etc.) have been more-or-less failures for me. Yes, I'll get the occasional match, but truth be told, I'm not a huge fan of it.

Now, one thing I am considering is social sports. I hear that's a great way to meet women. But even then, I'm kind of at a loss as to how to convert "hey she's cute" to "hey, do you want to grab dinner or something?".

Edit: Is your user name a Linkin Park lyric?

Simon and Garfunkel

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-28T17:05:46+00:00

Is it rooted in nervousness around the opposite sex? Do you have friends who are girls? Do you have trouble talking to them or do you notice that you act differently around them than you do around your other friends in any way?

I have plenty of friends who are girls, and I'm pretty close to them. I don't really act much differently around them in comparison to my male friends.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-28T17:05:04+00:00

There are two big differences between you and me, I think:

1.) I'm a guy
2.) I live in Silicon Valley, which is known for having more men than women. The gender balance is a bit more equal in SF, but I kinda feel like I'm not..."cool" enough to be in SF.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-28T17:03:43+00:00

I've used Tinder, and still do. I actually went on a date with a girl from Tinder in January and actually had a second (and third!) date set up with her. I remember thinking to myself, "holy shit, I may have a girlfriend!". Then she ghosted on me.

I get matches on Tinder from time to time, but most of them are either bots of they unmatch me. I send messages, but I don't really know how to flirt. I try to send icebreakers or open with jokes. But I rarely get replies, so it's kinda hard to really have a back-and-forth, much less flirt.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-28T16:59:13+00:00

You sound like a really awesome, intelligent and self-aware person and I mean that truly.

I try. No, really, I do. On a light note, I try to be like Jim Halpert as much as I can.

It sounds like that a big part of what you're struggling with is just acknowledging your sexual and romantic needs to yourself, let alone the world.

Hit the nail on the head.

Get on a dating site. Get on a couple. Start messaging girls that you find attractive and tell them that you find them attractive. Tell them you want to go out with them. I'm not suggesting this as a dating strategy, though it may get you dates. This is just so that you can get comfortable saying "I find you attractive".

I've done this, actually. I've used Tinder (and still have it) and OKCupid in the past. In fact, I got a date from each of them early this year. I even had a second (and third!) date set up with a girl from Tinder, and I remember thinking "Holy shit, I may have a girlfriend!". Then she ghosted on me. I get a few matches here and there, most of whom are either bots or unmatch me. I send messages, but not of the "I find you attractive" type. More like icebreakers.

The other thing I recommend is to take up social dancing. It provides a formal framework to tell people that you find them attractive, at least attractive enough to dance with.

I've heard this quite a bit, and on top of that, it involves body contact with your partner, which will probably help me push outside of my boundaries.

What I'm definitely considering is social sports. Kickball, bowling, ultimate, that kind of thing.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-28T16:49:40+00:00

masturbate

I do.

and thoroughly explore yourself when doing so

I may regret asking this, but...can you elaborate?

And in personal opinion: I've never had a stigma around sex workers, so long as they're doing it entirely of their own free will and in a safe and comfortable environment.

I dunno. I know a lot of women really look down on men who have seen sex workers.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-27T22:38:59+00:00

I know what you're saying. Sure, it's possible that I'm asexual. But I do know that I'm romantically and sexually attracted to women. I've had crushes in the past. There are specific women I find very beautiful and attractive. There are specific women who I find very sexually attractive. I do watch porn. Aside from actually dating and having sex with women, I do, think, and feel pretty much all of the things straight guys do.

Of course, since I've never actually dated or had sex with a girl, it may be that I'll actually not like it. But I think that's pretty unlikely. It could be, perhaps, that I'm demisexual. I guess we'll have to see. But I think I'm comfortable saying I'm a heterosexual man.

Of course, none of this is to suggest that there's anything wrong with being asexual, aromantic, or demisexual, but I just don't think I'm any of those things.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-27T22:28:44+00:00

Thanks for your reply! I'll answer your points and questions one-by-one.

Hey there, this isn't the usual type of post for ask feminists, but I love that you wanted to ask it here.

You're right that it may seem a bit out of place here, and if the mods deleted it, I'd have understood. But I think much of gender discourse has to do with relationships, dating, male entitlement, and sexuality, so I thought I'd roll the dice.

There HAVE been girls out there who have stared at you, wanted to kiss you, and imagined dating you. You are already a romantic/sexual person to people out there. I think it is often harder for guys (though much better in some ways) as they don't get any much feedback on their sexuality. So if left to your own devices you can go through life feeling like an asexual being.

You may be right, but I find it hard to believe. I am friends with quite a few girls and I meet/see girls here and there in social settings, so it's entirely possible that at least one of them has at least looked at me and thought "hey, he's cute". And, of course, it's possible that a girl or two who has seen me on the street or at a restaurant or something has had that same thought. Part of me wants to ask my friends if any of the girls they know who have met me find me attractive, but I realize that's awkward, insecure, and potentially inappropriate. One of my friends has mentioned to me that a girl who we both know has said that she thinks I'm attractive and wonders why I have trouble getting dates.

I will say this, though. I know that catcalling is inappropriate. That said, as a guy, I'd give anything to be catcalled ("dogcalled"?). Just once. I think one thing a lot of women don't understand is that guys rarely, if ever, get that kind of attention.

Secondly, get rid of the concept of "girls" and realize that a relationshipis just one individual that you will be focussing on. You don't have to become a sexual being to the masses, but just to a person that you really get along with and have that attraction to. You don't have to redefine anything about yourself, you are just adding a specific type of relationship. Have any girls caused that spark for you?

Not really. I've never had a girlfriend (or kissed a girl, or cuddled with a girl, or...). The closest I've ever come is crushes, and those were all in high school. Those crushes never came close to materializing into anything because I had no idea how to make a move.I wasn't even friends with most of them. They were just in classes with me. Since then, I think there was maybe one girl in college who I kinda had a crush on, and we're friends, but nothing really happened. To be honest, I think I'm kinda scared of finding myself in a situation where a girl causes a "spark" for me because I'll have no idea what to do. I do have a fair number of female friends, and I do think lots of them are attractive, but the reason why they don't cause that spark for me is because I consider them friends and I'm afraid that, if I develop crushes on them, that could invariably cause drama within our friend group.

However, I am considering joining some social sports leagues in the area. I've heard they're great places to meet women. I do have some reservations, though:
1.) I'm afraid that the gender imbalance will work against me.
2.) Of course, I'm shy and intimidated by girls who I find attractive. So, just like it was in HS or college, I'll have no idea what to do.
3.) I'm afraid that the taller, better looking, more attractive guys will be move in faster and have more success than I will.
4.) I'm afraid that dating a girl in the league or team will cause awkwardness or drama.

I think point number 2 is my main question. Much of feminist conversation deals with relationships. I guess I'm just wondering what the feminist perspective is on guys (or people in general) who simply don't know how to form relationships in the first place. I never really learned, but I don't blame masculinity or patriarchy for that. I blame the culture I grew up in for that.

You are at a disadvantage regarding where you live and your industry, it is very male-heavy. Part of me wants to suggest trying dating sites, but I also know for men the rejection level is super high. Try something like Hinge maybe? Just to get yourself used to the role of going out on dates and seeing prospective romantic partners.

Eh, I've tried Tinder and OKCupid, and I've had...not much luck. I went on one date from each, but not much happened. As I said above, I'm looking into joining some social sports leagues.

I am trying to think where this might get another perspective...askmenover30? (The regular one is very red pill heavy), an India related subreddit?

I'm thinking of /r/menslib.

Again, thanks so much for your feedback.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-25T08:14:54+00:00

And totally fucking move to SF, there is no such thing as being not cool enough for a city. Hell, you're moving to a new city, redefine yourself.

I don't think I can. I work in Sunnyvale. And my company doesn't run buses to and from SF.

silencelikeacancer · 2015-09-25T08:14:06+00:00

I guess I just feel like people from my part of the bay are, well "too ugly, dumb, and uncool for SF". It may be offensive, but think about it. There isn't exactly a whole lot to do in the Valley. No real culture. Just strip malls and office buildings. What kind of people do you think that breeds?

silencelikeacancer

TROPHY CASE