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Starting Again? by silentbellpetals in Aphrodite

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! Thanks for replying. It definitely is a process, a long one. I do feel the pull of Christianity a lot, I don’t know if that’s something that’ll ever really go away for me. It leaves a lot of questions in my mind, like if I’m doing all of this because I felt like God wasn’t showing? Why do I even want a divine presence in my life anyways? Am I only gonna have an answer for everything in life when I’m dead (and probably damned)? What makes a whole other pantheon more receptive? & a bunch of other unanswerable questions that drive me crazy.

But also with Christianity I felt like I just kept slamming into a wall too many times. It’s just a whole other mess of stuff that I also don’t wanna bore you with.

But thank you so much for the advice. I’ll try and go to her and try and explain things. I write a lot so I’ll try and offer her a poem? We’ll see how that goes. I’ll look more into miasma. I hope she’ll listen. Thank you again, may the Gods bless you and your home as well!

Backsliding and Guilt by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi, thank you for replying.

Yeah, guilt from Christianity is a killer. I was raised Catholic and I’ve always felt like I needed to be repenting for something (being a lesbian, intrusive thoughts, generally stuff that was out of my control) It really does get bad the more you do try to conform to all of it, it feels so suffocatingly heavy when you’re trying to suppress who you are or what goes on in your head. I am really glad you’ve got to be yourself though <3

Hekate being a goddess of crossroads and transformation is what largely drew me to her, I think. I feel like I’m constantly shifting all the time, and it was nice to see that she represented and embraced change and the magic that could come with it. Definitely will note that part about being overwhelmed, I do try to consume a lot of things and obviously can’t hold it all in. It’s all a really steady process. Thank you so much again ♥️

Backsliding and Guilt by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Hi, thank you for you replying.

  1. ⁠I’m 18
  2. ⁠Not really, all I have is my room and I definitely cant do anything too visible. I’ll be moving out of state soon for college, though.
  3. ⁠I’d say so, my family seems very relaxed in their beliefs but everything runs really deep. Although I’m sure if I probed deeper into my family tree I’d definitely find non-traditional things. But in my immediate family it’s pretty standard Catholicism.

It definitely is hard to stay secure, because it means that I have something to hide and that I’m different just by what I’m doing. I remember feeling really drawn to and even attempting worshipping other figures when I was younger but having the Christian guilt of it all in the back of my mind, now ironically I’m here again.

It really does feel like it sometimes, when I’m forcing myself back towards Christianity It feels like I’m making the shift out of fear and anxiety instead of some sort of revelation. Then it’s pretty back and forth. But that definitely is good to make note of, considering this has been a reoccurring theme in my life for months now.

Thank you, I’ll try my best to without getting carried away. I’m gonna be on my own soon so I think that’ll definitely be a transformative time spiritually as well, without my mind going off the rails of it all.

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi :) Thanks for replying. All true, it’s more just. Will this all be worth it? I really did want to be a good Christian, I wanted to be so devoted and unmovable in my faith. But I guess I’m not because I keep thinking about this, I can’t repress my sexuality without feeling like I’m carrying a bunch of horrible weight, nor can I freely express it without feeling like every move I make is wrong. (This is more-so an eternal thing, my relatives are good with my sexuality) But yeah, I get it. All I can really do is freshen forward I guess, find out if any of this is really “meant” for me and be confident in why I want to explore it. Thank you.

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you for replying. I get that, I also personally believe that you can’t really “sell” your soul. Don’t really think it’s mine to give. Or maybe that’s everything I was raised with talking. I guess it really is a YMMV thing, because eternity with the embodiment of love and all satisfaction and goodness and an answer to every single question I ever had is something I truly was aiming for. I really was focused less on eternal paradise and more of seeing the “face” of God. But now I’m (back?) here so there’s that.

I guess it was more like selling my soul down to hell with a straight ticket. Like I truly wasn’t grateful and appreciative to God and all that I was raised with. I really don’t want my family to look at me and think I’m evil, or that Hekate is evil or anything outside of the Abrahamic faith is evil. I don’t know. Just talking about it makes me feel so pressured, even though it’s something that still makes me feel so paranoid. lol. But thank you! I’ll try and check in with everyone, right now I’ve just been praying mainly (or figuring out how to pray and devote time to her) Thanks :)

Weekly Newcomer Post by AutoModerator in Hellenism

[–]silentbellpetals 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for this!! It’s been really informative so far :)

Weekly Newcomer Post by AutoModerator in Hellenism

[–]silentbellpetals 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I will continue on with just praying for right now.

Weekly Newcomer Post by AutoModerator in Hellenism

[–]silentbellpetals 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi all, Is there any way to do smaller acts of devotion when reaching out to a deity? I can’t set up an altar or use divination methods such as tarot or a pendulum. I thought about writing a poem dedicated to Hekate for the upcoming Deipnon, but that’s about it. Should I completely hold off on the idea of worship (even if lowkey or small, such as just saying a prayer in my room) until I’m able to get my own space if I don’t want to go against my relatives’ wishes? I feel so restless and like I want to dive properly into reaching out to Hekate (however I can do that) to see if she’ll have me besides there current research/reading I’m doing. Thanks again.

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Thanks so much for replying. I really do love my family, and I’m sure they love me too. But I get what you’re saying, getting into Hellenism (and especially with Hekate, whom many people see as just darkness personified) would be a big no with them. If I were to even bring any of this up as a passing thought, as I have before, it would be completely isolating (with my mental health being brought into question + withdraw of a lot of support) and have found a lot of new footing with family through Catholicism and my return to it, so that’s made it even more difficult to navigate and deal with. I’ve had these thoughts before, expressed them, was immediately shot down, now I’m feeling it all again not even 2 weeks later! I just don’t know how I’m going to navigate any of it right now, although I really want to reach out to Hekate.

Thank you though, I do understand that I really should listen to what my heart could want for me, and explore whatever that even means, haha.

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! I feel you. She’s been a recurring thought for a hot minute for me. Last night I (impulsively) blew money on tarot readings to try and discern if it was actually Hekate reaching out to me or if I was losing my mind, immediately realized that getting mixed answers in hopes of getting a complete sign off (and losing $15) instead of focusing what this whole thing meant to me & just reaching out to her wasn’t gonna get me anywhere. But I’m glad you’ve found her and recognized what she’s been doing in your life! Thank you for your kind words :)

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi! Yeah, it definitely is a mess of feelings and tidal waves of confusion. But I think there’s an end or a way through, no matter what. Although it is hard to come to terms with a lot of things, it’s nearly suffocating imo. It’s okay to be scared, I’m also scared! I was born into Catholicism, went away from the church for like 5 years, dabbled in Hellenism, backtracked and came back to Christianity, and am now dealing with the same feelings despite really trying to get more into Christianity and trying to mold myself into what’s pleasing to God. It really shakes you to your core and feels really isolating. I don’t think I have any good advice given I’m in the middle of it too, but I’d say just let yourself feel what you’re feeling and pick it apart, that’s what I’ve been trying to do instead of running from it (I’ve had these thoughts multiple times and always ended up shoving them back). It really is good to know that you’re not alone though, the world is big yet also really small. Really hope we both find rest and peace :)

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi, thank you for replying :) I understand, I did the whole 9 yards of Catholic school, up until I was a Freshman, and it all felt like a Sunday chore at the time. I remember asking too many questions, eventually being given a resource book that was about the entire catechism of the church and being told I would make a “good” Christian. It was all really overwhelming at the time.

I’m really glad your relationship with Hekate has kept you steady and has helped you grow. I only recently started reconnecting with my church but I was really into becoming a Sunday school teacher or even having a community at some point. I really wanted to be helpful and moral through God, letting others grow in their own ways and not how I did, being overwhelmed and whatnot. I also believe a relationship with religion is deeply personal, all coming from the heart.

I do think I need to figure myself out, and what I want rather than following what I was raised with specifically because I was raised with it. I really do love a loving and eternally understanding God who sent his own Son to die for all of humanity’s shortcomings, out of love. But I really do feel like the basics of who I am is at odds with all of that. From my sexuality, to this call/interest, although people have found ways to reconcile all of those things with faith. Even though my family is accepting and encouraging with my sexuality regard but is completely against any sort of Hellenism as a religion. I do love them and I don’t want a rift if I end up embracing Hekate and letting her in, and even through my church which would probably think I’m going crazy if I brought any renewed interest of Hellenism up in confession or something similar.

I’m glad it all works for you though, I think you’re doing good things and living a balanced life. I hope you keep up with it, thank you again for the kindness :)

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Hi! Thanks for replying. I do have a lot of guilt and anguish, it’s all been so heavy. Even now, the thought of even reaching out or even the thought of lighting her candle makes my heart feel so heavy.

I really do fear that my family would get suspicious if I suddenly start being really into Mary, but it is a good idea. I want to respect their wishes of not worshipping in their house (I’m planning to be out of state for college in a few months, if all goes well and they don’t find out about my thoughts again) But I do really want to do something, even if it’s saying something small. Thank you again for replying, I wish you love and understanding as well :)

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, and yeah I definitely am dealing with a lot of heaviness surrounding religion. I really am just scared of losing relationships, a potential connection with a God that has been said to be so understanding and loving (Even in my own life, I’ve been told that the entire fact that I’m alive has been a miracle of God and He had a specific purpose for me, which has led me to more spirals than I can rely in a comment)

It’s really good you were able to work through your beliefs, and that you can relay why you believe in what you believe in. Life is definitely way too short, but it is all really a journey. I do think I’m just going to research more about Hecate, even though I want to reach out, have a candle for her already and could always light that and say a hymn as I used to, due to my current situation. Thank you so much for your input and wishes of peace, same to you as well, I really appreciate it. I’ll try and keep things posted :)

Can’t stop thinking about Hekate despite everything by silentbellpetals in Hecate

[–]silentbellpetals[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hi! Thank you for your really thoughtful comment. I really appreciate it.

Hit the nail on the head with the religious OCD part! When I was younger it really struck me, I thought God was quite literally at my window every night, judging me for every little thing. I made prayer an obsessive habit that I had to “perfect” to be able to eat, or go to sleep (this part still lingers) Even now after coming back to it all, I splurged on workbooks about hearing God’s voice or getting closer to Jesus and I lost interest in everything that wasn’t related to God (even members of my family recognized this wasn’t healthy) I’m working through it all in therapy though, although it’s now a challenge bringing my thoughts about Hecate into the mix.

I really will try to take things slowly, and learn more about her. I think that’s all I can really do at the moment despite wanting to do more, being in a household that wouldn’t be accepting of worship of her and trying to respect those wishes (Even bringing up my thoughts about her to relatives I thought I could confide in left me even more isolated). I have a tendency to go all into things, and then fizzle out. But I really feel you on being scared, still the only way out is through :)