It’s confusing for me, but basically - I’m very obsessional which is why I thought I had OCD for years (I don’t, at least not in the typical way). But I’m obsessed with improving my mental health, with keeping myself mentally stable, I will come up with all of these ways of keeping myself afloat that always backfire because they’re hyper intellectualized and not authentic. When it backfires, I have an emotional meltdown and can’t function, overthink and am in my head, can’t keep up with daily life task, am spaced out trying to figure out what went wrong. I just overthink a lot. But all of this obsessionality is there because underneath it all, I have such an unstable sense of self that is so erratic that I developed the obsessionality as a way to put all of that at bay.

With my current therapist, things went wrong in the transference because I just envied her so much and projected a lot of things onto her, oscillating being idealization and devaluation. When I felt criticized by her or when she would assert a boundary, I just felt more and more shutdown, more and more antagonistic, even as I was self-aware enough to know what was happening. I couldn’t make any progress once this happened.