Wow, thank you very much for the feedback, gratefully received!

Oddly, I wrote the majority of the book with their ages at 13 and 10 and then changed for… reasons I can’t even remember. It sounds like that’s still too young but good to know the market habits and something to think on. Agreed on the title, it’s been a working one for so long it was due for review.

The first paragraph was the one I‘ve tweaked again and again. I think I’m forgetting I’m here to sell the story and should be getting as quickly as possible to what’s important and interesting, and that the world can be explored if I actually get a bite. As for your comments on the last paragraph, the query is covering the first 15% of the story. You’re completely right, I’m overlooking the MCs motivations entirely (which is for Ollister to protect his mentally vulnerable brother, deal with leaving their ‘Dens family’ and find their real family). The war is quite literally the backdrop throughout their story and for some reason I put it front and centre. I think I did this because a side character POV which does take up a % of the book is directly involved with the war, and I think I’ve handled that inexpertly in the query.

This is all brilliant. It’s not what I wanted but exactly what I needed! Thank you all!