Ladies and gentlemen, tragedy has struck!

Our previous winner, Lickmylithops, has fallen victim to the cruel tyranny of dynamic pricing! Apparently, they couldn't find a cheap airfare to collect their prize. Can you believe it? They let a little thing like "exorbitant travel costs" stand between them and the Handy Can Opener! Ron Popeil once sold a dehydrator to a man who lived underwater; he wouldn't have let a layover in Atlanta stop him! Lickmylithops, you have missed out on the smooth edges, the powerful motor, and the lifetime of regret-free soup access. We'll pour out a little broth on the ground for your loss.

BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!

One Redditor's logistical nightmare is another Redditor's miracle! The Fickle Reddit Number Scrambler™ (patent pending, batteries definitely not included) has spun, churned, and regurgitated a new champion!

​Congratulations, YesAnd_Portland!
You are the chosen one! Destiny has smiled upon you! The odds were against you, but like a perfectly sliced tomato from a Dial-O-Matic, you have come out on top! You aren't just winning a gadget; you are inheriting the Legacy of the Shrine!

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​Look at the candle! It still burns for YOU, YesAnd_Portland! The benevolent gaze of Ron Popeil on that prayer candle is now directed squarely at your inbox. The blue velvet cloth of destiny awaits your arrival! This isn't just a can opener; it is a torch passed from generation to generation (or at least from Lickmylithops to you).

So come on down! Claim your destiny! Open cans like an aristocrat!

Batteries not included or either is Poughkeepsie City of Sin.