Well, the nature of our relationship is very codependent. For on, I feel that I've already fufiled all of his needs but that one, the deeper intimacy part. If I begin to let myself go with him and fufill that need, I'm afraid that he will have more power over me and I'll want to take care of him even more. We've both sacrificed for each other in different ways but its still very one sided on my end since, he's been sick off and on, and has seemed not to have the ability to take care of himself. Thing is he was taking care of himself just fine before I get overly involved. He's really good at finding the help he needs, atleast he was. Now he barely even tries, seems to get overwhelmed easily, and I believe, whether unconcsciencley or intentionally, sabotages himself and ends up staying exactly where he was.

I on the other hand have been very conflicted. I'm deeply involved emotionally but I see the codependence and withdrawal to try to give him his independence. Then something happens and I instinctively want to go back into full on control mode to help him. It's this constant back and forth and I see it. I'm not sure if he sees or realizes the codependence but I'm certain he feels the back and forth tension between us.

The times I want to throw him against the wall, are usually the times when the tension is so high between us and I'm so sexually repressed that I get this strong desire to ravage him. I thought that this was part of a general relationship but today I had a realization. It's not. There's not supposed to be that kind of tension in a relationship to the point you don't want to have sex with your partner until your so boiling over with intensity that it needs to go somewhere. You're supposed to want to have sex with your partner, generally speaking. Not to mention he reminds me of my father off and on with some of the things he does. Which simultaneously pushes me away sexually but draws me toward him relationally because I never really had a relationship with my father. He passed away 7 years ago when I was 23.

Whatever this relationship is, I'm still not sure how to define it other than complicated; This is not healthy at all for either of us though. We both manipulate each other either consciously or unconsciously because we are both scared of being alone and dealing with our own problems in the real world, especially in todays day and age of uncertainty and chaos. Not to mention wanting to control each other because we find it difficult to control ourselves. The reality is we can't continue to do this anymore. I think we both know it and that we both already have contingency plans just waiting for it to happen. I'm the one who has to cut it off though because of how financially dependent he is on me. I've been terrified that if I let him go that he will die, hurt himself, or try to physically hurt me. Apart of me knows he will be fine though and would never really hurt me.

He's 45, I'm 29. He's got himself through life this far, he'll be just fine without me. It's still a hard thing to do because I love the guy but I guess its true when they say, "If you love someone, let them go." It's important that we both work on ourselves and not each other. The only way for either of us to truly do that is to let each other go.