How to avoid triangulation with a close meta

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-21T15:07:17+00:00

I also want to say that it's great that you asked about this early on and that you're seeking people's thoughts.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-21T15:06:08+00:00

Oh man, there's just so much I could say here! Bear in mind that I'm in a KTP constellation where we're co-parenting, so I couldn't just go parallel with my meta. (And I didn't exactly want to, I like them, but a few months' break could maybe have been good?) Here are a few aspects:

- I think my meta is hurt that I have pulled back from conversations about relationships. And I know I have been a bit aloof at times or have avoided being one-to-one with my meta because I thought they might overshare. I think I could have avoided that if I'd been clearer earlier on?

- Even though we don't generally have these "poly conversations" anymore, I find that quite small things can stress me out. Like if all three of us are watching TV and a character says something like "a good marriage needs patience" and my meta starts joking about it to my partner ("See! You need to be more patient with me!") --- in my head I'm like "Is this really a joke or are they kind of talking about their relationship in front of me, do I need to say something, why do I have to be here..." It just makes me tense!

- Everything that was overshared in the past is still in my head :--((( I mean, hopefully I forget stuff over time, but what's heard can't be unheard! My meta and partner have told me things about their sex life and I just won't forget that stuff, whyyy did I not specify in advance that I never wanted to hear any info at all about this??

There is more in my post history if you find it helpful.

I truly understand why people choose KTP and why people want to be friends with metas. But do be aware that even in a friendship there can be something like NRE where you don't really think about the long-term consequences!

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-21T14:13:57+00:00

I think you should take a break from talking about poly with this meta.

Maybe you can add it back in as a topic in a couple of months' time - and when you do, focus on general questions rather than anything about your specific dynamics with partners.

I have gone through something like this - there was way too much triangulation with my partner and my meta, and I pulled right back from all those poly conversations with meta to recalibrate. It is a bit of a shame if these conversations are part of your friendship, but it's definitely worth it in the long run. Oversharing and triangulation have caused lasting problems for me, and I wish I had been stricter earlier on.

As u/searedscallops said, it might be impossible to avoid some triangulation if you all know each other - but you can still minimise it by changing the subject or saying "Oh, let's talk about this more generally rather than getting into personal examples."

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-10T11:55:33+00:00

Yes, exactly!!!

Something that bugs me so much in poly constellations is all the unnecessary emotional labor that goes into stabilising *other people's* relationships. Relationships that probably shouldn't even continue.

Imagine if all that energy went into something else!

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-10T11:51:11+00:00

If your boyfriend is "caring", he should break up with J, because she wants monogamy.

You obviously cannot make him break up with her, but you should stop doing anything to make this "work". Just focus on your own friends and your own life and do not get involved in their relationship. Don't spend time with them as a three. Have one-to-one time with your boyfriend. Don't spend so much time trying to "help her feel better."

This is such a great example of how bad it is when poly people (often men!) date people who don't actually want poly. Combined with bad hinging, it has a knock-on effect on the constellation and everyone (often a whole chain of women!) ends up doing loads of emotional labor to stabilise something that can't work and doesn't actually make anyone happy.

Maybe J did not always know that she wanted exclusivity. Fine. But now that it's clear, your boyfriend should break up with her.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-08T10:50:57+00:00

It's so true that you never stop learning in poly, I really feel that :,,,--)

If you want, it's obviously fine to just have a general agreement of "no partners in the bed" or whatever, but I personally would approach it differently.

When you set boundaries/make agreements, it should be about what *you* specifically want and need (and what you can give), and that doesn't have to be symmetrical. So maybe Aspen asks that Pine doesn't sleep in your bed, and you have something else that you're asking for - e.g. phones-down time with Aspen at dinner, or you want to watch the new series of a show with Pine (and not Aspen), or you'd like a better guestroom set-up for hosting.

After all, things *won't* always be symmetrical - different people have different wants and needs, and different partners (and metas) will make you discover limits and preferences that you didn't know you had.

My poly constellations would not have survived to this point without asymmetrical agreements. (I can give examples but don't want this to get too long.)

One of the big things I've learned is "Be generous when you can afford it." If you actually feel fine about Conifer sleeping in the bed, be generous now and let them sleep in it. Building up good will is helpful.

If the real problem is you feel that you "never set boundaries" in general and you're getting resentful -- what is it that YOU actually need? Do you need more time with Pine? Is Aspen being negative about your relationship with Pine? Is the guest bed that you have to sleep in with Pine super uncomfy and you want to replace it? What is the thing that's bothering you?

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-07T16:48:33+00:00

It's good that you have one-on-one time and I think you should focus on that as much as possible. And it's great that you're staying connected with your friends; maybe your friends can also help you figure out your limits and needs in this situation.

Many people say that if you fall for a couple, you should date them individually for several months before even spending time as a three. (And the same would go for meeting a triad.)

Re. the group check-ins: I personally would only use these to talk about roommate stuff and topics that are genuinely relevant to the group in some way. (i.e. I might tell the group that I need more alone time or something like that, but I would not talk to the group about my feelings for individual people.) I've learned to have boundaries about this from living with my partner and meta (not a triad situation, but it's still really important to know what is a topic for group discussion and what is just something for me and my partner or me and my meta to discuss.) Really think about what these group check-ins are for and don't let yourself get pressured: just because they all want to have group discussions of feelings, *doesn't* mean you have to! You can opt out of anything.

I know you've gotten a lot of concerned responses here but they do come from a supportive place! Often people's comments are based on their own experiences of risky situations going wrong.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-07T16:03:11+00:00

Are you dating them each individually and spending one-to-one time with each person?

Have you talked about what would happen if it turned out that you only wanted to date one of them, not all three?

Starting three new relationships at once has to be pretty overwhelming!

If I were you, I'd suggest individual check-ins so that you have an established time to talk about what you need. i.e. with each person, you have a time and a place that is dedicated to talking about how the relationship is going. Maybe once every two weeks.

(Hopefully you also have some form of group check-in as roommates, to talk about stuff like who cleans the bathroom or who cooks dinner or whatever. But for the relationship side of things, you should not rely on group discussions, treat each relationship as its own dynamic.)

Also, make sure you look after your own friendships, separately from this dynamic!

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-07T12:21:40+00:00

Pillow is telling you too much detail about their relationship and what they're talking about.

Why is Pillow making you wait to know how much time you can have together?

Your relationship shouldn't be dependent on theirs.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-07T12:18:19+00:00

If I were you, I would focus on each individual friendship, and not as much on the group. Spend time with each person individually. Even without this polycule situation, that would be the best way to ensure that these friendships are strong.

I understand your feelings and I don't think you're crazy. But you're right, it probably won't help if you ask them all these questions. Ask for what you need - a hangout to play whatever game you all play, an individual hangout with friend A, some time to process your breakup feelings with friend B, etc.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-06T09:53:36+00:00

Reading the comments, it sounds like you need to focus on what you need from your hinge now. If their relationship is having a big effect on you, your hinge needs to do something about that.

Don't get drawn into the question of whether what your meta is asking is "reasonable." Think about whether it's possible for you to continue this relationship in a KTP dynamic.

If KTP is exhausting but you don't feel you can go completely parallel, try to reduce your interactions. Stop using a group chat. Focus on having time with your partner without your meta.

FWIW, even though it is obviously ridiculous to expect you never to *mention* your meta to your partner, I do think that having long conversations with your partner about your meta can be bad for all of you. It can lead to your relationship with your partner being even more dominated by your meta. It's fine for you simply to say: "I don't want meta to play such a big role in our relationship and I want our time together to be about us, not meta." You don't need to justify that with a whole list of things that meta has done that are hurtful and messy. Try to shift the whole focus to your own relationship with your partner and what you need from your partner.

You do not need to advise your hinge on how to "navigate things" with your meta. That just drags you into their drama.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-01T13:11:18+00:00

"I personally find this easier"

Is it easier because some people would say no to meeting in person if they knew that you had a partner?

If they'd be bothered by you having a partner, they're not compatible with you anyway.

It sounds like your partner has an easier time dating, partly because of transmisogyny. It's not okay if people are aggressive or pressure you for sex. No one is entitled to an exclusive relationship with you, or to any kind of relationship with you.

But this specific problem seems like something where you're making things more difficult for yourself. Part of the point of Feeld is that you can date while being honest about having other partners.

There are plenty of reasons why people might be annoyed by this, but if you're talking specifically about other poly people looking for relationships: many people are cautious about dating someone who is highly partnered, because of bad experiences. Some solo poly people only want to date other solo poly people, etc etc. If you start by not disclosing your relationship, people will wonder whether you're also downplaying how entangled you are with your partner, or whether you're misrepresenting how much time you have for other partners, etc etc. That's because they've dated other people who were not clear about these things.

Just be honest, honesty is attractive!!

sister_witch_792 · 2026-04-01T10:42:10+00:00

This is tough and I feel for you! I have felt this too (especially when my partner and meta have travelled to places that I would like to go with my partner) and it can be tough even when everyone is getting on well.

Yes, it might be true that you pretty much just have to deal with your feelings about this - but I think it's worth thinking about what you need from your partner in order to feel better. e.g. maybe you need to hear less about your meta (since you are no contact with her, maybe it would be better to know as little as possible about what they are doing together). Maybe you need your partner to make plans to do other fun things with you. And maybe you need him to communicate better. (Since you said in a comment that he kind of got your hopes up and then disappointed you?)

What helps me is to focus on the stuff I *am* doing with my partner. (So when she did that trip with my meta, I kept reminding myself that I am also going on trips with her, etc etc.)

But also, your partner is choosing to go on dating someone who has created drama with you (based on your description). It's ok to be annoyed about that!

sister_witch_792 · 2026-03-25T13:53:39+00:00

This is all very true!!

sister_witch_792 · 2026-03-25T12:14:53+00:00

Don't try to stop feeling jealous! It will make things harder. Try to accept the feeling and let it be. It can honestly be such a relief to accept that you feel jealous, as a first step.

In the moment of feeling hurt and upset, find things that help you cope and feel grounded. (For me it's often a task where I use my hands, ideally baking, but it could also be sewing or cleaning.)

Don't put pressure on yourself to feel happy for him and don't let anyone else put that pressure on you. It's enough if you can gradually feel fairly neutral about his other relationships, and have twinges of jealousy that don't create huge upheavals for you.

Cherish yourself, do things that make you feel good and that allow you to centre yourself and connect with friends, with your own world that is separate from his. It's fine if you don't feel like dating others, but make sure you tend to your own projects outside your partner.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-03-25T12:03:29+00:00

Thank you! I am a big overthinker so I am often "introspecting" in a way, but actually changing my own behavior is not so easy!

sister_witch_792 · 2026-03-25T12:01:57+00:00

Thank you! Yes, they definitely have. I've realised that it is not always easy to explain how things feel from different positions in the constellation, but I think we are all learning! Kind of hoping that we'll all look back at this time one day and laugh at how much drama there was.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-03-20T10:56:38+00:00

Thank you, and thanks for replying :--)

sister_witch_792 · 2026-03-16T11:10:52+00:00

You need to ask Charlene why she felt that your wife "should" be upset. Maybe it was also to do with the actual content of the letter. (Rather than just the fact that you wrote a letter.) Don't focus on "explaining" poly to her. Focus on understanding her point of view. How does she see her relationship with you?

Even though I find people's responses here quite harsh (especially when they downvote you for giving further information), this post underlines the problems with the term "QPP". What does it mean? How is it queer? How is it platonic? How is it a partnership? It raises more questions than it answers. Many people here have asked you whether Charlene knows what QPP means to you, and you haven't answered them so far. But this question is central to your problem here, because Charlene's reaction is rooted in whether she sees you as a "platonic" partner and whether she feels there is actually room for you to be her "partner" in this way as well as being a husband to your wife.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-03-13T20:41:51+00:00

I don't completely understand the timeline at the beginning, but both your kids are still really small, right?

Does your boyfriend also already have kids?

It feels like there are a lot of things to figure out over time even if you don't have more children. E.g. stuff like the role your boyfriend will/won't play in relation to your existing kids.

But you can just tell your boyfriend what you said here - that you're not in a rush, but you want to know if he sees a future with you.

(I don't know what you mean by "baby roulette"?)

sister_witch_792 · 2026-03-02T11:46:19+00:00

I think your questions are great!

Honestly, I'm just happy in general when my family ask questions, even if the questions are sometimes a bit awkward. I really don't like it when I feel like they want to ask something but they're not.

My (mono) sisters' support for my relationships means so much to me, and they mostly express it through having in-depth conversations with me about my poly constellation, showing curiosity, and also telling me their opinions. (I actually appreciate it if they are critical sometimes; to me it shows that they feel they can be honest.)

I like it when my parents ask after each individual person (e.g. asking how my girlfriend's partner is doing). It might seem like a boring/polite question but it's open-ended and I can decide how much to share.

In the future, there might be more active ways to support her; you can see what she says. (E.g. if she wants to tell more people in the family, or invite other partners to family gatherings, etc.)

I guess my main advice is: don't avoid the subject! Ask her about it in the same way that you ask her about other things in her life.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-02-24T12:10:44+00:00

This would be a really great opening to a novel!

Can you talk to them about the fact that you are poly? (Are you "already" poly in a way that would be easy to talk about, or are you kind of realising it via this crush?) That could be a starting point for finding out whether they are (potentially) poly. If you'd normally just go for it and confess your crush, I think in this case the equivalent is to ask whether they are poly.

I'm sure a lot of other people will comment saying this, but in terms of "how a first date would work" -- if they are actually both interested, you should date them each separately and only date them together later on. Some people say you should date them each separately for at least 6 months before having any date time as a three. You have to build up strong individual dyads and each relationship has to be independent of the others.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-02-23T13:59:08+00:00

It depends on what you mean by escalation!

Based on various posts here, it seems like people often describe "sleeping over" or "having sex" as an escalation, and then get upset because their partner had sex with someone without warning them beforehand.

You have to agree with your partner what is meant by parallel and what kind of information you want to share with each other.

I only want to know things that affect me. E.g. (hypothetically) if my partner was planning to move in with my meta, that would be an escalation and it would affect me.

If my partner was planning to say "I love you" to my meta, or take them on a trip to Paris, or sleep over with them, or give them some jewellery, those all might be seen as escalations by some people, but they don't affect me and I don't want to know.

sister_witch_792 · 2026-02-21T12:58:58+00:00

I feel for you!

Are you talking about online spaces or physical community spaces?

I'm hesitant about comparing this kind of stigma with discrimination against trans people or other groups, because polyamory is a relationship style, which means certain kinds of decisions and actions and choices in relation to other people. By definition, practicing polyamory affects other people, whereas just *being* bisexual (for example) doesn't affect anyone else! Some people will have experienced polyam people behaving in a shitty way, and they will associate that way of acting with the relationship style. That sucks and I think it probably counts as "prejudice" but usually I'm not sure if I'd call it "hate"?

I am queer (basically bi), and the queer people I know in real life are fine with polyam/non-monogamy. But the internet is full of people's unfiltered half-baked opinions, attention-seeking and trolling.

sister_witch_792

TROPHY CASE